Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

How old are the children?

YABU

But I would have suggested he leaves 4 at home and just takes DC 1 out.

I’m quite surprised he doesn’t routinely do this anyway.

Being a blended family can be quite difficult on children and it’s always good to have time alone with your biological parent.

Do you have time alone with your DCs without him?

I'd love for mumsnet to explain why they deleted my post. Perhaps referring to peer reviewed research is not allowed now?

I'm gonna say it's the personal attacks.

This. And I say this as a parent of a child who's dad isn't involved. Parents and their kids do on occasion need 1 on 1 time. If child 1 lives with mum it's even more likely it's needed.

I find it strange that DD1 never sleeps over. What will happen when DD4 is older and notices her sister and dad sleep at grandparents house. Won’t she want to go too.

You’re totally unwilling to get it, aren’t you? You live with all of your children. He does not. All the children that live with you are yours, only one of them are his.

I have a 'blended family' (bloody hate that term) and I think you are being unreasonable. It's okay for him to just want to spend time with his biological kids. Both me and my DH make sure we get dedicated time with our kids. Sometimes we do stuff all together but it doesn't have to be all the time.

Well said. Don’t worry I’m not that easily offended 😂

I think it is okay occasionally.

IME the stepchildren who don't live in the family unit deserves some 1on1 occasionally.

I've know some resentful teenagers who won't see their Dad's now due to his other family and feeling left out over the years.

They visit on birthdays or Christmas.

8, 5, 3 and 4 months

OP is refusing to accept the different dynamics, therefore there is no helping her.

I agree. If he had said "I want to take D1 to (an event) because she is older, isn't here all the time, want some one-to-one time, etc. that would make sense. But to include the Baby D4 just because of genetics? No way does that pass the smell test. Especially since D2 and D3 are encouraged - by him - to call him "Daddy". To paraphrase Spiderman "With that Name comes responsibility."

I’ve also found that most people who have divorced then remarried have come from nuclear families themselves, and seem to think they can recreate that post divorce with a new bloke and an extra child or two. Absolutely not the case, and hardly anyone who was a step child has made their own DC a step child post divorce.

Really makes you think.

This is so true. I'd not considered that before but you're absolutely right in my anecdotal experience. It would be so interesting to see a study on that at a wider, statistical level but I'd bet that those who have lived it do everything possible not to repeat the pattern and while - like with everything - there will be anomalies where they do, and it works (or doesn't), that you're right that most people who've been a step child do not want this for their own children.

Me and DP have 6 kids between us, I had one, he had 2 and then we had 3 together. Before we had our 3 youngest he would often go out with him and his oldest two and I would do something with my son. Then we would all come together and do stuff together. Even now he still does thing with them on his own like dinner when they have time as both in their twenties now working. Then they come here and see the kids and spend time when they can. His daughter stayed last weekend with us and his son weekend before. Our 3 oldest get on great, they refer to each other as brothers and sister and I do think that down to us always making sure they all got there time individually and as a family.

Well if you feel like that, perhaps you could choose to leave the thread instead of spreading the knowledge of how àaaaaaaawful blended families are. It's not the time or the place. Start your own thread and preach there.

Yes he does take 1 out most of the time that he has her as she likes to do “older girl stuff” that the younger ones can’t do

How am I refusing to accept the dynamics 🤦🏽‍♀️

(Same here my only sister is a half sister (mums side) but I’ve never called her so, she’s always been my sister and always will be*

Step is different to half sister. If your relationship with your partner ended would you see his daughter again?

I think you need a conversation with your partner.. he clearly has his own "rules" which include him prioritising his needs and sometimes to the detriment of your daughters. Take from this that he doesn't have the same feelings for your girls. Harsh but the reality. He is showing you where his priorities lie.

Perhaps he wants to create a bond between his daughter and the baby. That might be a reason to exclude your girls but it's a shame he didn't communicate it.

How are finances managed does he treat all the children equally?

I did the step family thing, everyone starts off with best intentions but there are too challenges to make it successful. 2nd & 3rd relationships/marriages have much higher rates of separation and blending is often a major factor

So would I, I do love a good research paper!

Sounds like you know my teens!

🚨 it’s the thread police

Thank you for this.

Bit of background: He has his dd stay with him twice a week but when he has her over night he has to go and stay at his mums (where he was living before he was with me) due to dsd mum being funny about her staying at ours.

What's her mother's issue with her child staying in her father's home? Very odd.