Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

There is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with his own children, or with wanting his two children to spend time together alone, he doesn't do it all the time so why get so angry about it? Do something else with your other two girls, this really isn't a big deal

I'm the other parent, mine visit every other weekend and my ex hardly ever spends time alone with them and they miss it. They also grew to resent their step sister a bit due to it. I understand it's tricky, however, as the don't see him much it's nice for them to occasionally have 121time. I did mention it and he has improved their ss also gets a day out with her mum if they do something with their dad. Cant you do something nice with the other two so they get special time with you?

So given you have a 3yo and a 2yo, have split from their dad, got with someone else and now have a baby with them. I'm guessing the baby is very young? In which case, I wouldn't want to be away from my new baby for the whole day, so theres your get out. Tell him he can't take the baby out all day without you.

Can’t you do a day out with the two middle children and go somewhere that they would enjoy too? It doesn’t have to be a huge deal to them unless you let it be one. If you frame it right, there’s no reason this has to hurt them.

I think you're being completely unreasonable. You get days out and in with just your children because his child never actually stays at your house. He wants to spend time with just his two kids. That's fine. Even if they were all both of yours, it would be fine for you to take two out and him to take two out on a day. Not everything always has to be together.

It's absolutely terrible that his own daughter can't sleep at your house, way to exclude her. He needs to sort that out.

YABU, but so was be when he kicked off at you for "excluding" DSD.

Two wrongs don't make a right however, you should both be able to spend time with both your kids and imo you shouldn't be raising your kids to not understand who their parents are so this would be a problem for them.

Hate to say it but after years of reading MN posts about blended families I am beginning to agree with this.

There is a huge amount of research now to back it up. The adults all say it's fine. The children, not so much. It's hell for them. Imagine having people you barely know moved into your home with no say in it. Awful even if they are nice to you. And mostly, it seems, they are not:

My dad left when I was a child and I was always hurt that I never spent time with him on my own. That’s one of my strongest childhood memories…

Of course it’s fine split the dc up over a weekend, in which ever way suits and as long as not all the time. Dh and I are married with 2 dc, no step kids but often one of us will just take one out to spend more time with them.

Personally, I would not enjoy being out with 4 kids on my own I'd just be stressed working, bloody hell it'd be like being at work, herding cats but outside in the big wide world 😱

I think you're being unreasonable OP. Let him spend time with his kids.

You could take your kids out too if you're off work.

And yet most people find it very sad that I remain staunchly single 7 years post divorce, that I’m wasting my prime years (29, now 36), that my kids will grow up, leave home and I’ll be alone.

Baffling.

well, we have a blended family and it works wonderfully!

That's great. But statistically your family is an an anomaly if that's true (you can only really confirm this once the children are adults, if they all agree with your perspective. Are they adults now and have they said so?).

I don't doubt that sometimes it works out. But mostly, for the children it's horrible. Yet people do it anyway and then posts like this are very telling about their motivations, when it's all about them and hardly any acknowledgement at all that they put their children in this situation out of choice.

I think you have blown it out of proportion. Much easier to take out 2 kids than 4 kids and you can give more individual attention. Plus if he takes baby then you only have 2 older ones to manage

And how is this supposed to help op? Or are you just enjoying sticking the boot in?

And yet most people find it very sad that I remain staunchly single 7 years post divorce, that I’m wasting my prime years (29, now 36), that my kids will grow up, leave home and I’ll be alone.

Baffling.

It's not your behaviour that's baffling.

You really don't. Just as most stepmothers don't love their stepchildren in the same way as their biological children. It's a bit ridiculous to expect it.

YABU. You're in a blended family, there's nothing wrong with him wanting some quality time with one or more of his children. That said, I'd definitely make sure he does something with the other two as well, so they also know they're valued as his children.

Same here my only sister is a half sister (mums side) but I’ve never called her so, she’s always been my sister and always will be.

I’ve also found that most people who have divorced then remarried have come from nuclear families themselves, and seem to think they can recreate that post divorce with a new bloke and an extra child or two. Absolutely not the case, and hardly anyone who was a step child has made their own DC a step child post divorce.

Really makes you think.

So yes, then. Op can't go back in time and un have their joint child and to suggest this situation is a fuck up is incredibly rude. If you'd like to target "other readers", perhaps you should start your own thread telling everyone about how they shouldn't blend families instead of targeting somebody that has already done this.

You're not trying to teach lessons, you're telling people not to blend families. It's really done. Maybe read the fucking room, eh?

This is what I mean of course there would be an issue, not that I would do it or ever have done.

Yes it’s done, and she’s making it far more of a shit show by trying to foist her DC into the same position as her DHs DCs because their Dad is an absent prick, and deny her DHs biological children any meaningful relationship with him unless it’s on a par with two children that are not his.

That is exactly how you fuck kids up.

YABU.

DP & I have 4 kids between us: 2 are his but not mine, 1 is mine but not his, and the 4th is our shared child who is a toddler.

DP does all combinations of spending time with each of them. He will spend the day with just his elder 2; on other occasions he will spend time with just our toddler; on other days he will spend time with his 2 eldest plus our toddler. Then other times it will be all 4, so my eldest (not his child) also included.

All of those are fine by me because there's a balance. So unless you're saying your DP never spends time with your 2 who call him daddy, which it doesn't sound like is what you're saying, I don't see an issue.

But does telling her not to blend families help her? No it does not.

Maybe offer advice that might actually fucking help someone and not just purposely make them feel bad.

You are both acting unreasonable.

He isn't unreasonable to love his daughters more than yours. However he is unreasonable to encourage your daughters to call him dad and not his name.

You are unreasonable to expect him to love your dd as much as his. You are not unreasonable to be annoyed at him kicking off about having to drive to your mum's house.

Take it from someone with multiple kids, it's very normal to do things which just one or two kids. You should see it as an opportunity to do something with child 2 and 3 without having yo consider child 1 and 4's likes and dislikes.

If this was a stereotypical post that I was reading on here, he'd be taking 1 and leaving 2,3,4 for you. The youngest is usually not considered in these situations.