Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

YANBU. I would feel exactly the same. I really don't get his attitude. They are all siblings and should feel that.

If you live with them and raise them then you need to figure out how to. No excuses.

Yes he has.

There was a whole situation that blew up because I was going to visit my mom on the weekend and was also taking my sister and niece in the car.

Bit of background: He has his dd stay with him twice a week but when he has her over night he has to go and stay at his mums (where he was living before he was with me) due to dsd mum being funny about her staying at ours.

So he came back that morning and said literally five minutes before I was due to leave that him and dad were coming along too, to which I responded that’s fine but you will need to drive your car as I’m bringing my sister and there’s no space in the car now you should have told me earlier. He then kicked off about how I was excluding them and that it had better not happen again.

You absolutely do not.

Hate to say it but after years of reading MN posts about blended families I am beginning to agree with this.

Thank you.

This is why I needed some perspective, having four kids is hard enough especially when they’re all girls 😂 trying to navigate and not hurt anyone’s feelings is even harder 🤦🏽‍♀️

I should have that I have a half sister but, to me, she is my sister. Not more or less. Oh, but her mother was a witch and tried to do do the favoritism malarkey. But then she died and all my sister had was us. We are still family.

Me too. The selfishness of adults is so appalling

They are a mix of full, half and step siblings. It’s not a nuclear family. One of them is nonresident too.

The differences do matter.

I never would that’s the thing, every time I go shopping I get them all something. Day trips etc she always gets invited (of course) and comes along. The only occasions she hasn’t come along is because she’s been doing something already with her mum.

That doesn't mean he should feel the same way though. He's a dick being a hypocrite about it, but I think either of you should be able to spend time with just your own children if you want to every now and again.

No I/we don’t. She gets invited everywhere we go and has always come along, apart from the odd occasion probably once or twice when she’s already had plans doing something with her mum.

Yep, clearly to many there is not enough love to go around. It is bullshit.

Wow of course you've blown it out of proportion. Dp often does things separately with each of his children. Grandparents take each child out separately. You cannot insist all children be taken out as a group all of the time. There's nothing wrong with developing relationship dynamics between the different groups or as individuals.

I'm a step parent sometime I too choose a child, sometimes I take both. Sometimes we split them.

You need to relax a little.

Get a grip.

YABVU.

Your DC aren’t his DC, it’s not his fault their bio Dad is a shit, he has every right to take his biological children out for the day, as well as wanting to take just his eldest out for the day.

His eldest child doesn’t see him every day. Your DC and joint child do.

This is exactly why "blending" families for the gratification of adults is so damaging to children and an utterly selfish thing to do.

I agree with this.

I became a solo mum when DS was 6 months. No way would I ever move a man in to my house - I've had relationships of course - because the dynamics could be great but too many pitfalls too.
And there is no way in hell I'm going to be a skivvy running around after a man IN MY OWN HOME!! :-)

Yes they do. I’m not begrudging 1&4 time together at all, I’m just finding it odd he’s actively excluding them from a day out.

Why is he pacifying mum by staying in the old home once a week!? I'd be nipping that in the bud.

In regards to the 1 on 1 stuff, you'll never win being a step parent.

You're contradicting yourself there.

See this all makes a difference.

He and his ex treat their DD as not really a part of your household. She’s literally not allowed to sleep in the house.

He is the one excluding his child from family life - because his ex can’t stop him having his DD in his home unless he lets her. The second example was him throwing a strop because he didn’t want to drive.

There are far bigger problems here. And that’s why there’s any issue with him deciding to have a day out with just his children.

well, we have a blended family and it works wonderfully!

As long as he is not excluding 2 and 3 all the time, I think that parents should take out kids in groups of 1 or 2 at a time instead of all together. Encourage him to take children 2 and 3 out, just them, on a different weekend and you spend that time with 1 and 4. And then other times you all spend together. And I could also see him taking 1 out just the two of them since 1 doesn't get as much Dad time as the others might.

If I was you I would say to him. (On a day when child 1 is with use) ok Dah so I’m taking child 23&4 out today. As they are you bio kids and see if he has a problem with child 1 who is not your bio child being left out. I guarantee he will have a problem.

The differences do matter, and it’s fuck all to do with love.

As an adult who had step siblings shoved on me from both sides, and half siblings on both sides, who never got even a second alone with either of my parents because the step/half siblings feelings mattered more.