Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

hardly anyone who was a step child has made their own DC a step child post divorce.

Guess I'm one of "hardly anyone" then. 🤷‍♀️

Id be oeed off massively.

Yes he can spend time with her alone but he's making such a big thing of it. Is she feeling pushed out and has mentioned it to him or is he seeing you get one on one time with your kids and feels his missing out?

Just let him do it. I'm a big believer in people should do what they want, not what they are nagged into.

Next time he wants you to do something altogether just conveniently have it arranged you're wanting to just spend time with your girls doing something really fun and see how he reacts to you basically saying you've not considered his child for that occasion.

No, it's not, it's just someone being sensitive to the op instead of being a collosal twat. Hth.

Or, somebody stating uncomfortable facts (supported by copious research instead of random people's opinions) that the OP might not like or want to hear, but regardless is completely valid to be stated. Because you know, facts.

If it has even a tiny likelihood of stopping one more child having to grow up in that situation, then it's worth saying whether it helps the OP or not.

Oh does the shoe fit? Funny because I didn't aim it at anyone specifically

Yes I think we all know what op has done. Can she take it back? No. She can't.

Are your comments helping anyone? No.

I also don't agree with what ops saying, but managed to illustrate that in a better way than sending "wahhhhh blended families are evil let's read studies about it and take joy in how shit they are and how great we are"

Funny how I managed that, isn't it.

It's not an uncomfortable fact it's essentially bullying because you pop up all over the place slating people for blending families.

Again, start your own thread if you want to preach about unrelated bollocks. It's not appropriate here.

I would take the middle two on a really great outing (eg theme park aged at younger kids) and then DH may reconsider leaving them and you out.

I was a step daughter, and my df was living with his new wife’s two children full time. I only got to see him one day a week, at the weekend, and my step mum always made sure that my df took us all out. I never had one on one time with him. Just consider that his daughter doesn’t spend as much time with him as your two DCs do. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that occasionally he gets to spend time alone with her.

Did I say it was a personal attack on me? Nope. MNHQ saw fit to take it down with seconds of me hitting report, which is a fast react time.

OP conveniently missed out the ages of all the children involved, because people would point out the obvious - tiny age gaps, immediate pregnancies, DSD will be feeling left out etc. And she didn’t want to hear that. She just wanted people to roast her DH.

Exactly this

I'm not sure how fast they react has any direct correlation with how bad the comment was but if it helps you sleep at night.

Sorry, do you live in her brain? You have no idea what she wanted posting this.

It’s the general sweeping statement that a particular kind of family should not exist and is simply the product of adult selfishness. That’s a problem.

And that poster does it on threads all the time.

It is. Unfortunately more often than not MN let it stand, which in itself is revolting.

OP also has two very small children calling her partner Daddy when he isn’t, so fuck knows what’ll happen to them if they split up and he only wants his actual child for contact.

People seem to have missed that part too.

Statistical facts may revolt you, but they are still facts. Tough shit if that makes you uncomfortable.

I didn't get the impression it was OP encouraging them to call her DP daddy based on this:

Since OH and I have been together they have always called him daddy and he used to tell them off (in a jokey way) if they’d call him by his name.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

No idea.

I’ve always said I should meet her after all I would want to meet the person spending a significant amount of time around my child but she has never took up the offer.

She also hides behind the front door when we drop dd back home, but yet talks to me perfectly fine via messaging. It’s an odd one 🤷🏽‍♀️

Apparently they’ve discussed it and they’re taking the ablism line: that posters should challenge it on the thread and ‘educate’ people.

Meanwhile, threads get derailed by an overt anti-stepfamily agenda and OP’s are subjected to being told they're selfish and awful and their family should not exist.

He’s creating a two tier family - his real daughters and his step daughters… that’s crappy to everyone

@Esselra

Of course I spend time with children 2,3 and 4 alone because they all live with us

so you always get loads of time with just your biological children on their own but your DH doesn’t

you are being massively unreasonable and of course the man should be able to have 121 time with his own children on occasion

if you were supportive you would arrange to do something special with your older girls without the baby and use it as an opportunity for them to have private time with their mum without baby sister.

Definitely odd! My DP wouldn't entertain his ex wife telling him his kids couldn't stay in his own home. Complete nonsense. He's be telling her it's got nothing to do with her where they stay, they're in his care and that's the end of it. Why does your DP allow his ex to dictate where he's permitted to stay with his own child?

I have never “expected” anything. I have also never told my two to call him daddy, that came from his eldest calling him daddy in-front of them, them then copying her and him then telling them off as I mentioned for calling him by his name.

I think some people are thinking that the middle kids are 2 and 3. They’re not - they are number two and three. 50% of children grow up in a non-traditional family and it’s unrealistic to expect people to stay single until their child is 18. Lots of blended families work really well and lots of nuclear families don’t.

Honestly I'd just suggest gently to him that he spends some 121 time with his eldest if she is the only one who doesn't live with you.

I can't imagine the youngest and eldest will have a lot of common interests...