Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

He shouldn't be letting you get into debt, no.

No it isnt how marriage should work - marriage is a partnership

Does he know you are getting into debt?

If so then I'm sorry but you need to divorce him. He is selfish and doesn't care about you at all.

No it's not but he clearly thinks it is. One conversation about it, saying that marriage is a financial contract to share (not the inheritance if he doesn't choose to but the daily expenses) and I'd be gone if it doesn't change.

I couldn't eat lobster and watch DH eat gruel. Because I love him.

Stinginess is not attractive. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel that he’s buying designer labels while you’re struggling to pay the bills? His behaviour makes you sound more like housemates than a married couple.

There are times when absolute fairness clearly isn’t fair.
I earn far more than DH so I contribute more. I covered the house deposit entirely.
He keeps a larger proportion of the income earned on joint assets so we have similar disposable income.
Who stands back and let’s their spouse struggle?

It wouldn’t be normal in my experience. I know some couples keep money separately but we never have.
Can’t your DH take on more of the outgoings so you have a bit more left each month?

I thought all assets were 50/50 in the debt of a split?

Completely unacceptable within a marriage imo. When he married you he promised to share all he had with you, that doesn’t just mean when splitting up or dying, it means every single day of your marriage. DH and I have a joint account which all bills and food come out of. We then each take an amount to spend how we wish, this is exactly equal for both of us regardless of how much we are each bringing in. The rest goes into joint savings.

Ugh I think this is something to leave someone over. He is fully aware that he is dressing in designer labels and you aren't. He is fully aware of your expenses and you not meeting your finances. Don't have children with him- he will fully expect you to contribute your share, take sole charge of your baby expenses and childcare.

Does he even love you? I can't think of decent guy (or woman if it was happening to man) allowing this to happen. It's not how marriage supposed to work.

Why isn’t your money (all of it) joint?
before we married DH and I sat down and explained to each other our financial situation
We agreed that when we married all finances would be joint and we would discuss saving and bigger purchases - Over an agreed amount.
If there is a disparity in your individual wealth then a discussion is needed - eg there is a joint domestic pot - house bills, car bills, food, travel, haircuts, holidays, clothing etc . Then you get a broadly equal allowance for ‘fun stuff’ eg days out, extra clothing items, hobby’s etc
unless there is more to this story and one of you is really bad with money I don’t understand how one spouse can be ok with keeping ‘their’ money or allowing the other spouse to struggle.
What happens if you have a baby or he gets sick/has a bad accident.
Marriage is about sharing - all I have I give to you. That’s a pretty standard marriage vow!

Not after a short marriage with no children.

There seems to be near unanimity on here when it comes to sharing an inheritance, with everyone saying that when it comes to a woman it’s hers alone, but if it comes to a man it should be shared.

OP, you should not need to use your husband’s inheritance for living costs. Is there a reason that as a couple you don’t seem to have enough to live on?

I’d suggest asking your husband to contribute more to the joint account so that you both have a more equal amount left for personal spending, but not expecting to spend the inheritance for normal living costs.

This is bizarre. My DP's dad unfortunately died unexpectedly and we discussed together what to do with the inheritance. It wasn't large, but it was a joint decision. Didn't occur to either of us it wouldn't be! We ended up chucking it at the mortgage.

What did he say when you spoke to him about it? Does he have a reason for not sharing finances in a joint account?

No you shouldn’t be getting into debt every month when you’re married and while he is “rich”.

It’s tricky as it’s his inheritance but there should be more of an equal (as in equitable outcome) for both parties in a partnership imo.

Being tight with money is never a trait that makes one feel overly desired or valued. I had a relationship with a miser and it wasn’t fun.

Have you spoken to him about it?

We don't have a joint account. He pays some bills, I pay some and the difference is transferred by me to him. For food we pay half each. We each pay our own fuel.

I'm not expecting him to supplement my living costs with his inheritance but he also earns more and earns interest on his inheritance which is just making the divide bigger.

I can usually manage monthly costs but with everything constantly going up and Christmas, and a massive dental bill, I'm struggling a bit and having to rely on my credit card while he's spending like crazy.

Depends on length of marriage and children, plus how wealthy the other spouse is.

I don't think she mentioned using the inheritance to pay living costs, just that he has interest on it which boosts his income even further. OP, I'm not sure why you're married. This sounds like the early days of living together with separate and unfair finances. You need to sit down and tell him how it makes you feel when you're in a partnership with someone who has so much and won't share. You don't need to tell him what to do but you can tell him how it makes you feel. I'd be gutted.

Presumably you had a discussion that led to this financial arrangement? If there wasn't the inheritance in play would you have brought up the fact that rising living costs etc. meant it was no longer working and you both needed to decide a new way forward?

It sounds like you need to have a discussion then, and think about opening a joint account for the bills, from which all joint spending comes. You can then try to agree on how much each of you puts in to leave you each with enough to live on.

Yes I probably would have a discussion if there was no inheritance but his income was higher than mine which is what I'm asking. The interest on the inheritance is probably the major factor, although I understand that's somewhat hidden in the original message.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta

Do you go out together? Then why would he want his spouse wearing very cheap clothes particularly accessories e.g. bag, shoes, earrings then him?

If pooling household finances isn't an option, have you considered splitting household costs based on % of total household income? e.g. if he earns twice what you do, he pays 2/3 of the costs and you pay 1/3. It's fair and proportionate.

Yes we go out together and I always feel a bit crap in my outfit even if it's fairly new as it never compares to his lovely Ralph Lauren jeans and polo, and posh leather shoes.