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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skint Wife and Rich Husband

256 replies

TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:04

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

OP posts:
DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 10/11/2022 16:09

I am due to inherit a six figure sum soon, I have told DH that it is mine all mine for seven days ( I just want the buzz of seeing it in my account Grin,) then we will work out what needs doing to the house and then the rest will be invested for both our benefits and to leave to our DS and help him with a deposit.

We have a joint account and I have my own account also (always important to have more than one line of credit available) but everything is split 50/50% otherwise it is not a partnership. IMO

aloris · 10/11/2022 16:09

How is this going to work if you become pregnant? You're going to take all the financial downside and health risks/consequences of pregnancy, childbirth, maternity leave, etc. How is he going to make that equitable between you? Will you come up with a money amount that represents the burdens you carry as a pregnant woman and a mother, by which he'll compensate you? Bear in mind that many women find that they take on the majority of the childcare because the husband refuses, and their projected income suffers from that. And what if the physical/health burden is really big, let's say you have a really difficult pregnancy or you are never quite as healthy after the birth compared to before you had a kid, compromising your career trajectory, or your ability to work full time? Will you come up with some money number by which he will fairly compensate you for your greater sacrifice in the marriage? Or will he just count that burden as zero financial value because it's your lot as a woman to bear the children? What if you have a child with special needs, or a child who needs fulltime care from a parent. Will he give up his job, or expect you to give up yours? How will that be managed in terms of sharing the load?

I know these questions sound like speculation but any woman of childbearing age, who is in a sexually active, long-term heterosexual relationship, has a strong possibility of facing these questions in the future. When you're pregnant, it's too late to negotiate how the money will be shared. If you are stuck with a stingy man, I think it's likely that he will continue to be stingy if you have children. That can be heartbreaking and soul-destroying for a woman. Even if you extricate yourself from the marriage, you would still be tied to the person because of the children. So as you proceed, I think it's important for you to evaluate how this behavior of his could affect you if you have kids together.

bewarethetides · 10/11/2022 16:10

He should be paying more based on her higher earnings towards bills, food, etc.

Then go from there if you're still skint and he's flush. Surely if he loves you, he wouldn't feel that was appropriate. His response will be telling.

Wishimaywishimight · 10/11/2022 16:11

Whatever the legalities of what you are "entitled to", this is not how a loving marriage works. I would be only too happy to share my good fortune (sorry, I don't mean to imply that an inheritance is 'good fortune', it's far from it I know, I just mean a windfall in general) with DH and he with me. I absolutely could not watch someone I love struggle while I had tons of money stashed away, I just wouldn't enjoy it!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2022 16:11

There seems to be near unanimity on here when it comes to sharing an inheritance, with everyone saying that when it comes to a woman it’s hers alone, but if it comes to a man it should be shared

Well, not quite everyone, but I agree it's said a lot

In a so-far short marriage I can't say I blame him for being guarded about his capital, but would have thought he could contribute more from the interest earned

That said, since you're working and even with bills going up, it's unclear why you're getting into debt to pay "your half". Unless you're living beyond the means of one of you, in which case I'd force the issue by saying you'll have to move/cut back/whatever and see what the reaction is

NewYorkLassie · 10/11/2022 16:12

TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:41

He inherited a life changing sum of money as far as I'm concerned but it's not mine and I understand that. He's working out how he wants to spend/invest it.

Does that not involve considering his wife?

this is totally bizarre.

MegGriffinshat · 10/11/2022 16:13

In my world, all money is family money.

There’s no splitting or contributing. Everything goes in and out of one account.

If one of us inherited money it would be both our money.

I can’t get my head round a marriage working any other way.

That’s how my parents and PIL worked and both our. grandparents. Equal partners.

Barilla · 10/11/2022 16:14

It can work. My OH is a superstar in the City and well beyond. If his niche area of expertise is mentioned, his is the only name which will come up immediately. I don't earn much in my part time job although I have inherited wealth as a safety net. We keep our expenditure separate especially in relation to children as he has two, older children from his first marriage. I don't expect to inherit anything from him in the future. I would expect his older kids to inherit from him and I would like the little DC to inherit exclusively from me and it may well come out roughly equal. Sometimes, he will spend a lot on me but I never expect it and I do not rely on it. He definitely spends a lot on himself alone and his other pursuits and I am fine with that.

Comedycook · 10/11/2022 16:15

Don't have children with him, unless you fancy a miserable maternity leave where you're struggling to pay half the bills and can't afford a cup of coffee in a cafe whilst he swans round living the life. Oh and then when you do go back to work, you'll probably have to pay all childcare costs from your wages.

He's disgusting

Badger1970 · 10/11/2022 16:17

DH got a massive and unexpected inheritance 5 years ago. I've never for one second felt entitled to a penny of it. 1st thing he did though was pay off the mortgage (house is in both of our names), and we had a lovely holiday as well as upgrading the boiler/spending some money on the house. He put the rest into savings, and is still deciding what to do with it (it's a bit bittersweet as he'd rather have had a better relationship with the person and not their money). However, because he now has these savings, he told me to stop paying into the household pot and he'd pay for that so my wages are my own. His logic was that I didn't earn for many years and went without when our DC were little, so he feels better that I'm now able to spend my money on myself.

Marriage is give and take - could you rely on him to support you if you were unable to work through ill health? Because I bet you'd support him ...

CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 16:17

MegGriffinshat · 10/11/2022 16:13

In my world, all money is family money.

There’s no splitting or contributing. Everything goes in and out of one account.

If one of us inherited money it would be both our money.

I can’t get my head round a marriage working any other way.

That’s how my parents and PIL worked and both our. grandparents. Equal partners.

You really can’t understand different couples doing things differently to you?

That’s quite strange.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2022 16:17

For everyone advising against children, OP said at 15.55:
I had a hysterectomy at 27 due to illness

BobDear · 10/11/2022 16:17

I don't understand how the inheritance isn't half yours? No one else is saying that, so I am clearly wrong, but I thought that was how things worked?

A marriage is a contract between two people to love and support each other. That cannot be done on an uneven playing field. Once you are married, all assets should become 'ours' not yours or mine

When I met DH he was earning much more than me. Once we lived together - even before we were married - we shared our money and everything was 50/50. In later life, I have more than him on paper. His parents left him nothing, mine left me a house. And so it was my turn to bring more to the marriage.

That is how it should be OP.

CatsAreCrackers · 10/11/2022 16:18

@aloris @Comedycook
You might want to at least read the OP's posts. She had a hysterectomy at 27 so won't be having children.

NewYorkLassie · 10/11/2022 16:20

CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 16:17

You really can’t understand different couples doing things differently to you?

That’s quite strange.

Show quote history

In a marriage? No, not really. It’s the ultimate partnership.

Comedycook · 10/11/2022 16:20

CatsAreCrackers · 10/11/2022 16:18

@aloris @Comedycook
You might want to at least read the OP's posts. She had a hysterectomy at 27 so won't be having children.

Yes apologies...I didn't see that.

I still think he sounds absolutely horrible

Oddieconvert · 10/11/2022 16:20

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2022 16:17

For everyone advising against children, OP said at 15.55:
I had a hysterectomy at 27 due to illness

But they could adopt or surrogate

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 10/11/2022 16:21

If either me or DP inherited, it would be our money. Everything is our money. We are a family unit

Cattytabby · 10/11/2022 16:23

Any time we have received extra money, ie: bonus, insurance or inheritance, we have spoken about what to do with it and how to share it out. Or what to pay off with it or what present we would like. That's either of us, regardless of who technically received the money. Because we are happily married and neither of us would want to put ourselves above the other. Imo that's what marriage is and you should get out of that horrible relationship ASAP. Sorry, op.

Oddieconvert · 10/11/2022 16:26

Badger1970 · 10/11/2022 16:17

DH got a massive and unexpected inheritance 5 years ago. I've never for one second felt entitled to a penny of it. 1st thing he did though was pay off the mortgage (house is in both of our names), and we had a lovely holiday as well as upgrading the boiler/spending some money on the house. He put the rest into savings, and is still deciding what to do with it (it's a bit bittersweet as he'd rather have had a better relationship with the person and not their money). However, because he now has these savings, he told me to stop paying into the household pot and he'd pay for that so my wages are my own. His logic was that I didn't earn for many years and went without when our DC were little, so he feels better that I'm now able to spend my money on myself.

Marriage is give and take - could you rely on him to support you if you were unable to work through ill health? Because I bet you'd support him ...

Did you have want say re what he did with the money? Did he involve you?

Crikeyalmighty · 10/11/2022 16:27

It's not ok OP- you need to explain you are struggling to keep up and he has money and needs to contribute a bit more so you have more spare money-

Littlemissprosecco · 10/11/2022 16:28

This is very sad, are you actually happy with him and this marriage? Inheritance aside

theonlygirl · 10/11/2022 16:28

If I loved someone enough to be married to them, there's no way I'd walk round in designer clothes and drive a flash motor while my other half struggled, especially as a result of trying to pay half of everything. Absolutely I would treat them to nice things.

Quitelikeit · 10/11/2022 16:28

Have you actually asked him what he intends to do with it? Or if you can have some?

honestly this is not a marriage!

oeople who love each other pool things together or at least make sure the other isn’t at such a disadvantage

Littlemissprosecco · 10/11/2022 16:29

Sorry posted too soon!
This isn’t a normal happy marriage