Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

Did you read a different post to everyone else? OP says he’s using the interest from it, not that he’s spending the inheritance.

you say he only earns a bit more than you - are you both able to cover all outgoings on your salaries? I'd start there and get him to include the interest as income if he is also spending it.

That'd give you an idea of the ratio you'd be contributing to bills etc and hopefully ease your issues. The question of what to do with the larger savings is a separate one to be dealt with but should be addressed at some point.

He booked a suite in an amazing 5 star hotel, I had to stay in a crummy two star hotel a mile away.

Jesus fucking christ @speakout My jaw dropped at that! What an absolute bastard!

The inheritance isn't really the issue here. The issue is that you are splitting costs half and half when your income isn't equal.
Personally I think it's okay for Partners to have their own accounts and pay into a joint for joint finances. If that means one person has a little bit more for personal expenditure than so be it. But you're saying that you are getting into debt in order to pay joint bills and he has at least £500 disposable income?

That's not right/ fair

Are you actually kidding me?

you and he went on holiday and you stayed in separate hotels?

seriously?

So his life will change but yours will stay the same? No, that's not normal in a marriage.

We didn’t say that when we got married. I swear there must be some posters on this thread who’ve never left their village given how unable they are to understand differences in culture and practice.

Of course he doesn’t have to. But if he loves his wife he will. Money should be shared

@speakout

The beginning of the end? I wouldn’t have even booked a holiday like that - what an awful prick he was.

Glad you’re out of it.

In guessing you didn’t live together? How young were you both?

was this not a case of him going on holiday and not bothering whether you joined or not and so not prepared to pay for you, but you wanted to go but couldn’t afford same place so booked a 2 star hotel?

of course I do. I don’t actually give a shit in reality.

I’m just sharing my opinion on a post while I’m cooking dinner.

Sounds like my marriage at the start. He shouldn’t be letting you get into debt and you probably need to look at a way of sharing your outgoings more equally. We do it based on percentages (he pays 65% of our outgoings, I’m the rest). Safe to say it takes a while to get comfortable sharing your finances and isn’t an overnight thing. We’ve been married four years and only just getting into the swing of it.

@CloudybutMild

i am so curious… say your dh took a big career leap and huge pay rise and understandably wanted to spend on lavish holidays and experiences that you couldn’t stretch to - would he pay for you?

Unfortunately it was true.
He was a master at gaslighting also-so if I questioned things, he would have a way of making me feel like the unreasonable one.

It took strength to leave, but I am very glad I did.

The inheritance aside, it is not normal for one half of a couple to be walking around in designer clothes and the other buying clothes from Sainsburys. However, it sounds like the dh doesn’t fully understand OP’s financial situation or where she buys clothes.

OP, he is your dh, have a frank discussion with him.

@CloudybutMild

The mechanics might differ but in a normal and healthy marriage it is reasonable to assume you support each other and share assets in a reasonable way.

So whilst the inheritance might be a grey area, there is a reasonable expectation of equal financial power in a marriage.

That holiday example is appalling but definitely the way this is heading - him in first you in economy. You can’t live like this. It definitely sounds more like flatmates than a marriage.

As soon as DH and I got married our money became one pot. We just got married this year and from the day after our wedding our finances were joint. I'm not working (through choice) and his income pays for everything. He gets annoyed with me if I want to treat myself to something and say I don't want to spend 'his money', because he just thinks its all ours and I'm as entitled to is as he is.

We went 50/50 on the house deposit and I have a good chunk in savings still, but its all one pot. That's how (in my mind) marriage should be, unless there's a prenuptial agreement in place. I'd pay for everything if roles were reversed, no problem.

I wouldn’t say that buying fancy clothes and hoarding my money while my spouse went in to debt struggling to pay for basics is something I would do to someone I love. And if my spouse was doing it to me I would take it as a clear sign that they don’t love or respect me.

I have friends and acquaintences who will never have children with their spouse/civil partners for various reasons.

None are in relationships where their spouse/partner who is richer than them doesn't share their wealth. In fact some of them have decreased their working hours since they became a legal union.

I was in a similar situation - exH inherited a house and about 150k in cash. All of the money and the house sale proceeds went into his savings account, so getting on for 500k, never to be seen again. He never so much as took me out for dinner as a treat. He used to look at his investment balances every single day and moan about how much a downwards change in interest had "cost" him. He wasn't into designer clothes etc. but had an expensive hobby ofc where money was no object as it was all for his sole benefit. Like you I was living off credit cards and ended up circa 10k in debt, despite working full time with no DCs. That shit got old after about 10 years. I divorced him.

it sounds like the dh doesn’t fully understand OP’s financial situation

OP hasn't said, just as she's not said why - although working - she's struggling to pay her half of the bills on a house in a "fairly low value area"

TBF many are struggling right now no matter where their house is, but there's so little information here that it could be worth avoiding assumptions

He already does earn a lot more than me but no, we both like holidays that we can both afford.

I’ve no doubt at all that if I wanted or needed him to support me that he’d be fine with that, and he’s said on more than one occasion when I’m having a hard time at work that he’d happily support me for as long as I wanted if I ever felt the need to just walk out, but while we both work we are very happy to contribute equally to the joint costs.

The joint account covers childcare, housing costs, food, holidays, etc. fully.

In yours, but please don’t try to tell me how it ought to be in mine.

The split which we have is my choice, and one that I am very happy with.

If he knows you're struggling and still lets you, then why are you staying? If that's the case he loves £ more than you