Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

when I say earns, I mean total income, to include the interest on his savings.

Also like to add. He's not stingy at all if he's spending like crazy.. He's stingy WITH YOU.

My dh is tight but he cuts his own hair, buys the cheapest clothes be can (very rarely), runs because he won't join a gym etc etc. And yes, we have a joint account. It's not always easy because he is stingy but at least I know he's stingier with himself than me. That's where the sting really is in this situation, that he can be so generous with himself. I would struggle to love him. He's either super oblivious or totally selfish.

If his income is higher than yours, why is he not paying a higher proportion of bills?

I can't imagine any loving husband wearing designer clothes and letting his wife struggle in cheap stuff. This doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

Have you spoken to him about struggling to pay for things?

Considering he's earning interest enough for you to comment on, this must mean the inheritance was fairly significant.

If it were me, I'd have paid all DHs debts off with anything I had from inheritance. Have you spoken about this at all?

What do you earn and what does he earn - taking inheritance and interest aside, bills should be split proportionately. Personally I would want to share my good fortune with the person I love and I wouldn't want to be with somebody that doesn't.

I don’t really understand these threads. Of course no one’s going to say to you yeah this is how it works. However it’s utterly irrelevant. What’s relevant is what he thinks marriage should work and this is how he thinks it should work. So speak to him. If you can’t speak to him about it then quite frankly the pair of you shouldn’t be married. Speak to him, tell him you’re struggling and want some of his money.

I can't imagine a loving partner would be happy with this. He clearly doesn't care that much.

Bills need to be proportionate to what you earn.

I know that if I'd inherited and was earning a large interest then I would be treating him and spoiling him and most definitely taking on a bigger share of the costs. Yes it was a large sum to inherit. I had hoped he would clear the mortgage but he hasn't suggested it and I don't want to as it's not my money.

For Christmas I've suggested we don't do presents for each other which he's readily agreed to. For me it was almost an essential that I couldn't buy anything anywhere near what he buys for himself. For him, at least he doesn't have to bother. I feel very hurt.

How much was inheritance

why hasn’t he shared it

OP can you each pay bills as a percentage of your earnings v total joint income? That would be much more fare than half half.

I can't imagine letting my DP go into debt while I was 'spending like crazy'. Its so cruel.

Bear this behavior in mind if you’re even thinking about kids! Men like this only get worse with the financial abuse. It's a massive RED FLAG.

I came into the relationship with my husband, with more assets, money in the bank and income from other sources and am lucky enough to not have to work. What we have is joint and always will be. an awful way to treat you

It can take people some time to get comfortable with the idea of spending an inheritance, or mingling it with other money.

Normally on mumsnet it it’s the wife with the inheritance it’s encouraged to ringfence it from your OH

You need to talk to him about money. Even if you don't want to discuss the inheritance figure itself you need to be on the same page about money, and at the moment you're not.

I stick by my it's bizarre comment - I'm the higher earner in my relationship and it just doesn't occur to me that that should leave me with more disposable income!

He's about £500 a month better off than I am after bills.

You are married you need to speak to him. If you can’t communicate then it says a lot about your marriage. 50/50 works if couple earn same and no children. As soon as something changes then it’s not a good fit.
I’d also want discussion re long term plans for money it could make a big difference to your married life.
I wouldn’t get into debt. If you can’t afford your 50% then you need to either increase your income or downsize.
How does he see life going. Eg will you not go out as you can’t afford your 50% of food or tickets or buy anything to wear.
If you want children what will set up be.

He inherited a life changing sum of money as far as I'm concerned but it's not mine and I understand that. He's working out how he wants to spend/invest it.

I'd dump him personally. This is not love. You don't watch your spouse suffer while you live in poverty. Thats horrible.

Sorry this is not a marriage, you are friends with benefits which works for him.

Are you hoping to have children with this man?

You need to talk to him about this quickly.

Because this debt is for household costs, it could actually be considered his as well if you divorced - if he's benefiting from it, then it's also his liability. If you're using it to buy fripperies for yourself, then not so much.

But he's not doing himself any favours by letting you get into debt over household bills.

No, it's not how a marriage should work. You shouldn't be paying half towards the bills if he earns a lot more than you, it should be proportionate. Imo in a marriage everything should be 'one pot' in the household. His savings should be your savings too! Me and Dp aren't married but we've been together 10 years, there's no his and hers here, any money left after bills is the households money for whatever we may need.

does he know you are getting into debt? Does he really give a shit if he does? No one wants their spouse getting into debt!

First thing
Do you split the household bills 50:50 or in proportion to your incomes ? If it's the former - time to re-negotiate.

Second
You need to have a general discussion about money. Have you thought financial plans if / when you have children ?

Tell him how you feel, eg why you asked not to exchange gifts this Christmas. Does he realise how financially stretched you are. remember we're talking about a man here and sometimes (God love 'em ) they do need the situation spelling out to them in words of one syllable.

It doesn't sound like a recipe for a good marriage OP, sorry

Inheritance aside, the amount you each contribute should be in proportion to your earnings - so whoever earns more should contribute more.

This will only get worse if you have children, so although it's not a nice conversation to have you really do need to get everything out in the open and sort out your finances fairly asap. Otherwise separate. Please don't have children with him until this is sorted.