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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skint Wife and Rich Husband

256 replies

TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:04

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

OP posts:
CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 15:48

@User636373637236367363

”No, it's not how a marriage should work. You shouldn't be paying half towards the bills if he earns a lot more than you, it should be proportionate.”

No, there is no “should” that’s universally applicable. DH normally out-earns me by quite a lot, but we both decided that we prefer to pay equal amounts, and do what we choose with what’s left over.

Lentilweaver · 10/11/2022 15:48

I don't believe in separate accounts after marriage. DH earns a lot more than me. I do more housework and cooking. We have a joint pot and similar disposable income. I would not be able to live with someone this mean.

Merrow · 10/11/2022 15:49

CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 15:48

@User636373637236367363

”No, it's not how a marriage should work. You shouldn't be paying half towards the bills if he earns a lot more than you, it should be proportionate.”

No, there is no “should” that’s universally applicable. DH normally out-earns me by quite a lot, but we both decided that we prefer to pay equal amounts, and do what we choose with what’s left over.

I think that probably doesn't work when someone has nothing left over though?

Littlepiggiesinblankets · 10/11/2022 15:51

Well, I would definitely have a discussion about the income (including from the inheritance) but leaving the sum of the inheritance aside.

I could not let my DH get into struggle and not be able to pay for nice things while I swanned through life, no. That's not how I see marriage personally. I wouldn't get married/live with someone if I wanted to keep everything separate.

CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 15:51

Merrow · 10/11/2022 15:49

I think that probably doesn't work when someone has nothing left over though?

Show quote history

No, probably not, but it’s a perfectly reasonable setup when a couple are both earning good wages.

I don’t agree with the idea that there’s a universal need that everything must be shared. In our case we’d both feel less happy if we felt that “luxury” discretional spending was coming out of a joint pot.

Original poster
TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:55

We won't be having children. I had a hysterectomy at 27 due to illness. I'm well now, very well and not the maternal type, never was.

I'm not in poverty but he is living a much wealthier lifestyle than I am.

OP posts:
Kevinbaconsrealwife · 10/11/2022 15:55

Nothing worse than a mean man or an honest mirror !! Seriously my lovely, you need to talk to him about this massive disparity between you financially….and if you can’t talk to him , the one person who should have your back, then quite honestly think long and hard about remaining married to him…..he’s very self serving… good luck x

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 10/11/2022 15:55

The mortgage should be paid off. There’s no point paying interest on a mortgage when he can clear it.

I was initially going to say that as he earns a bit more than you and has the interest on the inheritance, the interest must be huge for him to not be in debt AND be able to afford expensive clothes and car. Then I read your post which said he has £500 pm more than you. I’m wondering if you know his actual current salary (has it increased since he last told you/have you guessed at what he earns/has he lied) AND the actual amount he is earning in interest.

Then, if you know how high his actual income is, does he know how low your income is in comparison? Eg maybe you never told him/he forgot/he guessed at what it is.

wednesday32 · 10/11/2022 15:56

Forget about the inheritance, as that isn't the issue here. You need to look at what you both earn and divided the bills by percentage not £. If you both paid the same percentage it would be fair, and you would be financially better off each month. ie if your other half earns £2,000 and you earn £1,500 (total £3,500), and lets say your total bills come to £1,950. divide the total bill value by total income amount gives you 0.56%. Then you x 0.56 by your other half amount of £2k, which gives his amount to pay as £1,114.00 and your income of £1,500 x 56% your contribution would be £836 (or thereabouts.) You would both be paying the same percentage so its fair and you would both be left with some money afterwards as well.

Lil50 · 10/11/2022 15:56

One of our marriage vows was “all my worldly goods I thee endow.” We have always shared everything. Joint bank accounts, etc. Any inheritances we shared either way. It’s called ‘love’. But then splitting was never on the agenda.

HideTheCroissants · 10/11/2022 15:58

Sorry OP but marriage is a partnership. Since we decided to buy a home together we have shared all finances. He’s been unemployed and I supported him; I’ve been a SAHM and he supported me; he got a big payout for something and WE had an extension built; he earns six times what I do but I actually spend more money than him; 35 years of being totally equal - we’ve been skint, we’ve been okay, we’ve been comfortable but it’s always a joint situation.

ItsaMetalBand · 10/11/2022 15:59

TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:41

He inherited a life changing sum of money as far as I'm concerned but it's not mine and I understand that. He's working out how he wants to spend/invest it.

My husband (fiancé at the time) inherited the family home. From the very beginning he's seen it as belonging to both of us. He won't do so much as paint a wall without asking me my opinion.

When we met, he was on excellent money, and I worked in a min wage call centre. We moved in and all income became 'ours'. In all the time we've been together, there's been a couple of job losses, maternity leave and just recently he got redundancy.

It is and always will be pooled. He could not enjoy his money and not share, and I would be the exactly the same.

Alexandernevermind · 10/11/2022 16:00

This is awful. If he won't help you at all financially then tell him the house must go up for sale, so that you can move to something you can both afford. I'm ignoring the inheritance BTW, because that doesn't factor in. Unless he earns more because he works longer hours etc then he is being very unfair. I bet he let you do the lion's share of the housework too, he sounds like to type.

Merryoldgoat · 10/11/2022 16:02

Basically I’d have one conversation about how unfair it is and if he didn’t want to remedy it then it would be over for me. And it wouldn’t be an ultimatum, he should WANT to share his good fortune with you.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/11/2022 16:02

How does it work on day to day level? Don’t be putting yourself into debt. Eg food shopping. If you lived alone and money was tight due to dental bill you’d just cut back on food more lentils, value range, beans on toast not meat. If you are in supermarket and you are putting value beans and essentials oats in trolley and he’s putting in steak and wine do you say I’m not paying half put it back.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/11/2022 16:02

Have you actually brought this up with him? He might think it’s normal because you haven’t mentioned it, but the idea that you feel poor while he doesn’t is strange. Why even get married if that burden can’t be shared?

jtaeapa · 10/11/2022 16:03

Marriage is a partnership. You are supposed to be a team. I don't believe that he loves you if he is lavishing designer goods on himself and watching you use your credit card for essentials. You need to divorce him.

FloydPepper · 10/11/2022 16:03

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/11/2022 15:32

How much was inheritance

why hasn’t he shared it

He doesn’t have to. Almost all of the posts where a woman has inheritance it’s said she should keep it separate

id say split bills in proportion to income, his income including interest. The inheritance itself though, that’s his.

FlowerArranger · 10/11/2022 16:04

It isn't clear to me what discussions you have had to end up with this unequal financial setup?

And how is he able to live with himself and see you scrimping and struggling?

All very strange and dysfunctional.

x2boys · 10/11/2022 16:05

I dont understand couples who dont have joint finances personally although i guess it works for some ,that aside i could never swan around in designer gear whilst my dh wears cheap clothes,in our case we both wear cheap clothes but you get my drift!

ChocolateCakeYum · 10/11/2022 16:06

I don’t know how you can bare to look at him never mind still sleep with him. What he’s doing is most unattractive.

Marriage is a partnership. Not an excuse to hoard money while the other goes without. That’s disgusting.

This is how it works in my house. All money goes in one pot. After bills, food and expenses come out whatever is left over is divided equally in two so that we both have the same amount of fun money.

With things like inheritance we use it on things that would benefit the household. So oh got some money when his grandma died. It went on the mortgage. I got some money from an aunt, we used it for a holiday. None of this my money is my money and you can suffer bullshit.

Paq · 10/11/2022 16:07

It all sounds so loveless. Like you are flatmates, not married.

Does he love you? How does he show it?

Oddieconvert · 10/11/2022 16:07

Op

what was your parents marriage like? Your friends marriages?

Surely You have some kind of benchmark to know that this is most certainly not a healthy loving marriage to be in on the basis of how he behaves re money and your worries

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/11/2022 16:07

TheSkintWife · 10/11/2022 15:41

He inherited a life changing sum of money as far as I'm concerned but it's not mine and I understand that. He's working out how he wants to spend/invest it.

Pay the mortgage off would be my first one

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2022 16:07

It doesn’t sound like you’re much of a team or a partnership tbh. He sounds selfish