Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

I think you should be paying into a joint pot in proportion to your incomes (which would include his interest on his savings) and from that the bills are paid.
I do not think you should be paying 50:50 towards bills etc when he is earning 500 pcm more than you.
Or some kind of system where you both get equal spending money and the rest of your income goes into the joint pot.

You are not entitled to the capital of his inheritance.

He sounds very stingy and it doesn't bode well for the future.
You really need to have a conversation with him and see what can be done to make this fairer.

They could adopt or surrogate

Absolutely, yes, although if he's not keen on sharing his capital with someone else I have to wonder how much he'd welcome a child

I still think, though, that OP could suggest moving because she can't afford the current set-up. The response could be interesting ...

Does he know you’re getting into debt trying to match your share? have you spoken to him? the only way is to be honest , don’t pretend it’s all good , tell him what you wrote on here .Disregarding the inheritance, sharing of bills etc should be a proportion of your income not 50/50 when one earns more than the other.

You need an open conversation with him that you can't afford 50% anymore and what does he suggest?

Proportional to income would be fairer and you need to tell him that you now have debt to pay off.

I honestly find it very strange.

A marriage is a partnership. You share your life, all aspects of it. Including money.

I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t feel the same as me. Luckily dh was brought up with the same experience and wouldn’t have things any other way either.

In a new marriage I do slightly see his position with regards the inheritance & paying off the mortgage or other lavish purchases one living the life of riley whilst the other can't the basics - fuck that. I agree that at the very least you should be taking his total income (& yes that includes interest) and working out your bills that way and having a proper conversation about finances and where he sees you in his life as 'he's planning what to do with it' does not sound like a partnership or that he even respects you or wants you in his life. He sounds a selfish prick he clearly doesn't seem to give a shiny shit about you and I wouldn't be surprised if fucks off before too long so save yourself the agony and bring this to a head now whilst you still have your self-respect in tact.

Stinginess is a horrible character trait imo. Love means you want to share its as simple as that

Sorry but he sounds really unattractive, parading around in chavvy RL clothes and nice car feeling like he's made it, while knowing his wife is struggling.
He values his image more that he values you. I hope I'm wrong and he's planning you a nice present for Christmas, but tbh I don't know if I could forgive someone for seeing me as so far beneath them that they are happy to let me live like that while they have surplus. Maybe you should tell him you are now living above your means and need to downsize.

Put the inheritance aside. Talk to him about the bills and affordability.

tell him you are struggling and having to put your side on credit cards. Tell him you want to set up a joint account so all household expenses (including food) come out of it and you want to both pay proportional into it.

tell him this is what you want to do and this is the account you want both of you to open (decide on the account beforehand).

don’t ask him or bring it up in an open ended way, tell him that’s what you want to do as you can’t carry on as you are. Then ask him if he agrees.
if he says he’d rather not, ask why. If he says it’s just easier to carry on as you are then say, it’s not for you, you can’t afford it.

basically unless he has a really good reason for not doing it (there isn’t one) then he’s not actually a good husband and doesn’t care about you.

it’s also fine to ask him what his plans are for the inheritance. It’s not grabby or non of your business, you’re married of course it’s your business to at least know his plans.
if he doesn’t want to pay off the mortgage I’d say it’s because he doesn’t want you to be able to take half of the value therefore the inheritance in a divorce.

also let him know the reason you said no Christmas presents was because you can’t afford them. As much as he should be keeping you informed of his inheritance plans, you should be fully telling him of your financial situation.

@CloudybutMild

say big change in your DH’s earning and he suddenly wants to take holidays, go to restaurants very regularly etc that you couldn’t possibly afford - what would happen then?

Pressed send too soon, this is how you end up reading threads where the woman is in thousands of pounds worth of debt which she then has to 'disclose' like it's her failing and she brought debt to the relationship. Going halves with this man is above your means.

I just think if you are a couple you talk about your life, future, dreams and hopes together. Even right down to conversations about a new TV or where to go on holiday.

DH earns more than me, we did have a child together but he spent some time PT too so I can't say that my reduced hours allowed him to work back then.

We still have our own separate accounts but pay a fair proportion of our salaries on bills/mortgage. I don't think splitting 50:50 is the best option especially when you are married and have joint assets anyway.

I'm sorry @TheSkintWife you sound so unhappy and he appears thoughtless.

You are married and it is lovely you are respectful of his good fortune however it is unfathomable that a married person does not pay off the mortgage of the marital home. He has a life changing sum of money which he is treating himself with while you can’t pay for the dentist.
I would look at the state of your marriage in general as he sounds very selfish.

Can’t get my head round this. If you love someone enough to marry them why would you see them struggle? All in for us - what’s mine is his and vice versa.

That reads like you don’t expect your joint child(ren) to inherit from your DH because he will leave it all to his older children?

that’s not right surely?

What do you think would happen if you said you wanted to share all money? I think that would tell you everything you need to know.

Have you spoken to him about this? I've been in your situation I used to go through my ex's pocket's for money.

I have one question, OP. If you won the lottery, would you get to keep it all and spend it solely for your benefit, alone? Or would you share with your husband? I think he would soon be saying 50 - 50, we're a team, blah blah. He's being extremely self centered, and I can't believe you've gone along with it for so long!

Of course it's not how marriage works. For richer, for poorer or "all that I have I share with you"?

You know it's wrong. So why have you not spoken to him about this?

if he hadn't have inherited, then how would you be paying the bills? would you both be struggling? would you be in a smaller property?

In my opinion a marriage is a joint venture partnership so there shouldn't be a big imbalance, which you seem to have.

Could you move somewhere smaller to redress the balance? Or could your partner increase his share to the pot?

Sounds like my ex OP.
I was young and stupid, I had a fairly decent job, but struggled to keep up with his spending.
We ate out a lot,fancy holidays, weekends away.
He insisted everything be split 50/50.
Towards the end of the relationship we went on holiday-he booked a seat in first class,I could only afford economy.
He booked a suite in an amazing 5 star hotel, I had to stay in a crummy two star hotel a mile away.We would meet at the beach and restaurants.
I doubt it would even have cost more for me to share his suite- it was a large double room-but if we did that he wanted me to pay half.
It was on that holiday he found out I had been running up debt- i tried hire a car for both of us ( he didn't even drive) and two of my credit cards were declined because they were maxed out.
He went ballistic at me for being in debt.
Thankfully that holiday was the beginning of the end for us.

I read all the OP's posts that were present when I wrote my post.

Let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a flash twat of an idiot spending an inheritance on clothes. Money/estate that someone else has saved during their own lifetime and he’s spending it living the highlife? What a twat.

Truthfully, I don’t really believe you’re entitled to his inheritance- as you say yourself, you have no children yet & have only been married a short period. That’s my personal perspective.

He should not be allowing you to get into debt for your half of the bills, that’s not a partnership or marriage. Neither is you expecting to wear designer clothing because he has inherited money- that would make you grabby & entitled. Self-fund your own lifestyle choices. If you want nicer clothes then work more hours/upskill/etc.

If I were in this situation I’d be thinking seriously about my future, how will it look having children with this man? Will he expect you to pay for everything 50/50 when you drop your working hours to care for your children?

And spending an inheritance on flash clothes, pure idiocy. Why on earth not invest it.

You don’t seem to understand that other people don’t need to share your view or organise their marriage in the same way as you do. There’s nothing strange about different people being happy doing things in different ways. You are writing as though what works for you is the only acceptable way to arrange everything.

Not rtft so forgive, but does he KNOW you're getting into debt?