What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

I think I’m totally missing something here.

My neighbours always talk to me if I am out the front, sometimes they will walk over and say hello 😱. I often take parcels for people, they then come and collect them, most of them are male and I am a single female. I have never felt creeped out about it, people are just friendly and occasionally a bit nosey. I think it’s sad that many people don’t know the people that live on their road or even the people next door. Growing up in a village everyone knew each other and the neighbours came over for drinks etc.., when did it become creepy to talk to a neighbour?

😅

He’s not just coincidentally in his garden too, though. He awaits until OP is out in hers then comes out as well, to bother her.

Why do you think “especially not the next door neighbour” can’t be a rapist? Where do you think rapists all live, in detached countryside estates?

Just because in the OP's case she feels uncomfortable and her neighbour is overstepping, doesn't mean that's always the case.

And just because it's mostly a completely normal part of having neighbours doesn't mean the OP is wrong about her specific situation.

@Lovemusic33 exactly.
Im not sure how people deduce he is creepy or 'awful' Neighbour makes chat (infrequently - tiny garden) Neighbour has asked if OP can take in parcel once. Hardly merit worthy of calling the old Bill !

@MysteryBelle is in the US.
I was amused by the idea that you might make a neighbour ask a postman for a parcel. Maybe that’s how it works over the pond. Here, the “postman” is a stealth Yodel type person the neighbour will never see, and even when it’s RM, you don’t ask them for you parcel. It either comes out with them again and arrives without request, or they leave you a card and it’s Brenda at the SubPO that you’re asking.

As OP said, what about being her next door neighbour exactly makes him less of a thread?

What i meant was that the fact he lives next door makes it not that unusual that he'd want to make conversation just for the sake of being a friendly neighbour- it's not as if he's coming from 3 blocks away in order to especially harass her.

I have.

I think it’s very sad that people don’t want to speak to their neighbours. Don’t you want the feeling of security, knowing that if you have an emergency, there are people there to help? Maybe it’s different if you don’t have responsibilities but when I was on my own with two small children and dogs I’d have given anything to know that there were friendly people around even if they were a bit of a nuisance.

That said, the man does sound creepy and if you encourage him, before you know it he’ll be declaring undying love!

Exactly

What is it that's vile about this couple? Is it that they try to talk to you, or something else that makes them vile, in your opinion?

Look, I’ve got lovely neighbours: one’s downstairs in my house right now, fixing my leaky dishwasher. I trust him enough that I’m in bed and have just woken from a nap; he’s got a key to come in and out with plumbing parts. My trust is nothing to do with the fact he’s my neighbour, it’s just a nice bonus he’s a nice neighbour. There’s literally no reason on earth why the random selection of people around you in neighbouring houses should all be liked and trusted: great when you get on and can hold each other’s spare keys, take in parcels, look out for each other. Hell on earth when they’re intent on harassing you, as with OP’s neighbour.

Everyone has to live next door to someone: Fred West and Ian Huntley and Harold Shipman were all people’s neighbours! “Neighbour” isn’t code for “what a brilliant human”. In the case of OP’s neighbour, he’s obviously a bullying twat targeting her as she lives alone.

Stop gaslighting her with “what a shame” and calling her weird. And as for having different details in different threads, don’t we all do that to avoid being outed? If you search me, my DC change in number and gender on a daily basis.

Hopefully you won't need to be in your front garden too much in the winter months if the painting is done, lawn doesn't need mowing, plants are dormant etc so he'll have fewer opportunities to manufacture an encounter. In the meantime get your strategy in place.

Also, front of terraces is fairly public and others may have noticed what he's doing. It would be worse if he was harassing you in the back garden! You don't want to mix and that's fine but it's worth making allies of other nice neighbours.

He sounds awful. Do you feel unsafe or that he has the potential to escalate his behaviour or become dangerous? His actions do not sound like someone who is bored or lonely looking for a neighbourly chat, it sounds more predatory to me. Sorry you are in the horrible situation feeling under threat in your own home!

All the pp saying he’s just being friendly etc, have you never met someone who sets off your stay away senses? Who creeps you out? Who makes you feel really uncomfortable? That’s what I get OP as describing. It may look like friendliness but there’s something about him that scares her. That doesn’t mean she is weird or unfriendly, it means she has awareness telling her to be wary.

OP I agree with previous pps, get a ring doorbell, talk to the other neighbours if you see them and try to make excuses to leave if he comes out to talk to you. Make sure the doorbell ( or cctv) covers where he stands so it can be used as evidence if you need to take it further.

@Dreamwhisper I was talking about neighbours.
The kind of things the OP is experiencing only ever happened to me when I was living on my own. Never ever ever ever happened when I was living with a BF. Funny that.

I do think people are good at picking up sexual interest. So, if you think he's being creepy, I wouldn't ignore that feeling.

I am generally a people pleaser, but in your situation, I would probably tell him point blank that I don't want to talk / want space when I'm in my garden.

Being neighbourly goes both ways. He is not respecting your privacy. You don't owe him a conversation every time you see him.

Thank you, yes I did give different ages in different threads, as I try not to give any very identifying details on here.

What I'm saying is happening to me, but I usually change my age, location, any very identifying things.

He sounds lonely to be honest, probably just wants a chat. You sound quite uptight, if you don't want to talk to him you could politely say "not got time to chat, sorry". I don't think he's doing anything wrong as such. Taking parcels for neighbours isn't exactly a great hardship. Maybe move to London I hear they are rude and don't like to chat.

@stuntbubbles Maybe the age change is that a 30 year old sounds more vulnerable than a 38 year old, but TBH we don't know how old @Deemarie11 is!
She could ne 28, 30, 38, 48!

@Deemarie11 How often does this occur?
I did post a tongue in cheek post about getting rid of your lawn and not needing to do so much gardening now it's November....

but, being serious, is this once a week? Once a month? Not recently as it's dark now by 5pm?

Have you thought of talking to neighbours on the other side of you about this?

They may know him better as you have only been there for a year.

YANBU. Majority of people who are voting YABU probably haven't lived alone. It can be frightening living alone and having neighbours like this. Agree with the headphone approach! Keep yourself to yourself, avoid eye contact etc or be on the phone x

This type of thing only ever happens to single women.
Isn't that strange?

Can you get fences that are taller or with trellis so he can't overlook. Then ignore any contact.
Ultimately you will be happier in a property that is not overlooked I think.
Good on you for owning a house at 30! I'm 29 and this is a distant dream for me...

This is a good idea too, along with camera that records.