What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

”Women” is a direct quote from your post, dear. Hence the quote marks.

If it were me, I’d say “please could you give me some more privacy when I’m in my garden? I want to be able to do things without being disturbed every time”. But then I’m sick of shit like this and have learned to be blunt to thick skinned people: being polite to them while they do whatever they like without any thought for you is just not on.

If he punishes you with a racket, report him to environmental health. Call them - they come out to visit and hear for themselves.

Can you put up a trellis against the wall with artificial ivy etc so you get an instant privacy screen without having to wait for something to grow?

Would also highly recommend The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker.

A very empowering book.

OP, I don't believe your gut is wrong.

I have ignored mine in my assessment of people and have regretted it.

I have learned to listen to and trust my gut.

If it's a tiny front garden can you just never do anything in it? It's extremely annoying and unfair but might that be the easiest option. Now you've painted and repointed the brickwork their can't be much else to do.

Tell him you can't take in any parcels as you'll be busy on the phone to your boyfriend who is an MMA fighter 😉

I've read the whole thread and these are my suggestions.

1. In relation to the parcel/package: when the delivery is attempted, just tell the delivery guy that you're not going to take the package. You don't know the neighbour and you're not taking packages for anyone other than those addressed to you.

1. The next time you're out in your garden doing whatever you need to do, if this neighbour approaches you, you can either get up and go inside until he goes away, you can brazen it out and before he gets started on a conversation with you, you say to him "You'll have to excuse me but I really must get back to finish doing X,Y or Z before it rains/get's dark/silence. Have a nice day" and then turn away and crack on with your chores.

1. If he keeps doing it, that's harassment. You can report it to the police.

Don't let some gobshite annoy or upset you.

Yes @Cantthinkofausername01 at 20.32 you did say that!!! 😂 'I'm a women.' How embarrassing! Insulting @stuntbubbles when it was YOU who made the error!

Exhibit A. ^ @Cantthinkofausername01

I feel like he is just being friendly or may be he is a bit lonely and is just trying to be nice. He probably thinks he's being neighbourly, I don't particularly think anything you have written means he's a creep.

Or maybe he thinks you're on your own and he might want to make sure you know you have neighbours you can speak to/call upon. Not all male 50 year old neighbours are creeps just because they like to come chat.

My old neighbour was a bit like this and would come out to talk to me whenever he saw me, turned out his wife died of cancer some years ago and he had crippling Anxiety and OCD, he would spend days on his own so the 10 min friendly chats with me in the back garden really helped him. I've since moved and we've remained friends, he calls and drops in a xmas card etc.

As for the package, if it is really going to cause you anxiety just say you can't as you are going out so won't be in could he ask another neighbour.

I feel like he is just being friendly or may be he is a bit lonely and is just trying to be nice. He probably thinks he's being neighbourly, I don't particularly think anything you have written means he's a creep. Or maybe he thinks you're on your own and he might want to make sure you know you have neighbours you can speak to/call upon. Not all male 50 year old neighbours are creeps just because they like to come chat.

So you've chosen to disregard the noise harassment he subjected her to when she didn't play nice? Once again for those hard of thinking - women are not support humans for dysfunctional males!

I think in this scenario I would opt for a combo of making myself look increasingly unattractive, and less sane, all the time maintaining friendliness. The goal being to make him simply less interested. I'd start over sharing details designed to be offputting, and maybe escalating into unreasonable rants about things. Men who are overly entitled, domineering gasbags tend to want women to be ladylike and may well be put off by "unladylike" behaviour.

Of course it's easy for me to say what I think I'd do but I've not met the man and so can't experience the gut feelings he creates.

I hope you can find a way round this issue without having to move out.

That’s suggestive of making the whole thing up. If the age isn’t relevant you could just not mention it. If it is it makes no sense to change it.

The idea that someone could identify you from your age is fanciful.

when did it become creepy to talk to a neighbour?

When someone says "Don't worry, I'm not going to rape you."

He obviously knows she isn't comfortable with him appearing EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE IS IN HER GARDEN, but instead of thinking "I'll give her some space and privacy and mind my own damn business for five minutes" he continues to go out, engage her in unwanted conversation, and intimidate her.

Touché!

😁

Awful getting harassed on an anonymous forum where you can literally "unpatch" a thread and ask not to receive notifications, isn't it.

I wonder what it would be like for someone to constantly harass you in your own front garden every time you left the house . . .

*unwatch, not unpatch

You'd move house to avoid...talking to your neighbours?? 🤦‍♀️

I think he’s just being sociable, maybe he’s lonely and is desperate for a chat with someone, anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'll send him round to live next door to you you , to chat to you every time you pop out into your garden.

You can ease his loneliness. The thing is why do I have to ease the loneliness of someone I don't like?

If I could describe his looks. He has an intimidating appearance. He looks like an aging, overweight gangster with a shaved head. He wears long black leather coats. His eyes are always red and totally bloodshot. I have seen those eyes before on chronic alcoholics. Many times I have been bending down in the garden doing something and I'll look up and get a shock seeing the bloodshot eyes staring down at me over the wall

His personality is also horrible. I have never ever enjoyed talking to him, and come away from every encounter with him feeling uncomfortable, horrible and scared.

It is like someone I don't like pouncing on me every time I leave my front door.

I look out my window to make sure he is not outside before I leave. Not a nice way to live!

Plenty of people move house because of their neighbours. If I move house it will be because of him.

Most of the women on here have said I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in my own garden. Thank you.

To the women that have said that I should be thinking of his loneliness. Despite me saying that he has been nasty to me. I'm sad.

It is not our job to ease random men's lonliness. Especially if that man is creepy, nasty, horrible.

There is another thread on Mumsnet here at the moment called "most uncomfortable things that have happened to you" where hundreds of women have described being harassed , sexually harrassed and intimidated by men.

Yet if a woman talks about her male neighbour harrassing her, there will be women on here saying "oh he is just lonely".

and
"you should talk to every male neighbour even if he is a creep".

And
"You are being unfriendly.

It is like internalised misogyny. No matter how creepy disgusting and irritating the man is, the woman will be told that she is being unfriendly. Sometimes women will really hold other women down.

I always said that they cycle of men abusing women keeps going as much as it does, because women do not stand up for other women. A lot of women are nasty and cruel to other women.

If we supported other women, women in general would be much stronger.

Thank you for all the kind messages from the women who were kind to me on here, and who gave me support. I appreciate it.

Well said and YANBU - all this 'be kind' and 'being neighbourly' bollox is a total shit. Ignore it all.

He sounds like a total weirdo. He's not lonely and even if he is, who gives a fuck.
Personally I'd avoid going out to potter in front garden for a while and wear ear pods if you do.

He'll get the message and go back in to his dodgy websites. 😬

@Deemarie11 Your last few posts between 10.50 and 11.02 today are excellent. Look after yourself. Hope this is sorted eventually - soon!!! (((HUGS)))

@Deemarie11 I would also seriously consider reporting this man to the council for noise nuisance. Keep a diary.