Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

784 replies

Lilu1660 · 10/11/2022 10:49

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 10/11/2022 10:51

She needs to get a job or claim benefits or both

2anddone · 10/11/2022 10:51

Didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you are feeling this pressure unfortunately your mum is going to have to find herself a job even if it's part time.

ArtixLynx · 10/11/2022 10:52

your mom needs to get a job and/or claim benefits.

Why on earth did she stop work at 50?

99trafficrelatedproblems · 10/11/2022 10:53

what about your mum’s two private pensions is that not a decent amount? Lots of people don’t even have a nest egg to retire with in the first place (also rent of £2k a month sounds high… so they need to look at downsizing, they clearly can’t afford this ?)

gamerchick · 10/11/2022 10:53

OP, your mother is the one who has to make the sacrifice here. She can't afford to retire, the end. She can't expect everyone else to pick up the financial burden while she sits on her arse.

Tell her there's no way you can help and she must get a job. Then enjoy the silent treatment while it lasts. No moving in and no financial help as you're just not in a position too.

She sounds as selfish as mine. Mine refuses to work as well.

minipie · 10/11/2022 10:53

I’m not dealing with this personally but can completely understand your worry and how you feel. I suspect this is going to become more common tbh, not that this helps you.

I agree your mum needs to be looking for work. This is not on you, they have not had unexpected ill luck, they have chosen to retire early and spend savings.

FatAntelope · 10/11/2022 10:54

Do not give them any money. Give them options as you've started to do. Direct her to the job centre to find work or claim benefits.

Stay firm she is being ridiculous.

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/11/2022 10:54

Since they rent and have no savings they will be able to apply for benefits.

Jumberoo · 10/11/2022 10:54

Are you in England? She’s going to need to go
and speak to someone about what benefits she’s entitled to but that depends on where she lives.

There are some huge changes they’re going to have to make. £2k rent for example is ridiculous for just one couple!

Yellowdahlia12 · 10/11/2022 10:54

The only practical solution is for your mum to find a job. Your parents also need to downsize, they can't pay £2000 a month in rent. You could help them by looking out for a small flat, but in the long term they will need to apply for universal credit. I'm sure others will be along with more advice.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 10/11/2022 10:54

This sounds awful OP. She hasn’t even reached retirement age yet! She will be eligible for a state pension in a few years - or should be, but I’m now wondering if she’s paid enough NI by ‘retiring’ in her 50s. If she’s not willing to look for work she needs to sign on for UC, who will tell her she needs to look for work, but also provide a very small amount of money for them to live off while she does.
It’s really not on of her to put it on you, and her plans were completely unrealistic. I’m sure we’d all love to retire in our 50s but very few can actually afford to without serious pension planning from an early age.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 10/11/2022 10:54

So she wants to pile her self-imposed financial problems on you?
Stuff that! She needs to get off her backside agent a job, not sponge off you Ffs!

JOFFCV · 10/11/2022 10:54

ArtixLynx · 10/11/2022 10:52

your mom needs to get a job and/or claim benefits.

Why on earth did she stop work at 50?

Exactly, who decides at 50 that it is time to retire with no reasonable savings.

User438651209 · 10/11/2022 10:54

Why are they renting somewhere at £2k a month anyway, surely they know they wouldn't be able to keep up with this, they need to move to a cheaper house and your DM needs to get a job

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 10/11/2022 10:55

Not your problem. She is a fit 63 year old and needs a job. They may need to rent somerhing cheaper. They need to cyt their cloth according to their income.
You are not responsible for their financial mismanagement. .

Elsanore · 10/11/2022 10:55

Your parents need to find out what benefits they are entitled to, and claim them. They need to urgently go to citizen's advice bureau who will have lots of knowledge and next steps. Your mum needs to work full time ASAP.

You can help by assisting with all of the above in a non judgemental way (although obviously that will be hard because they have been outstandingly stupid!) You could research it all online for them and make and go to benefits and CAB appointments with them.

Don't give them money and don't let them move in with you!

Ihateboris · 10/11/2022 10:55

£2000 per month rent? They need to downsize... And she needs to work.

byvirtue · 10/11/2022 10:56

What an awful position to be put in.

Your parents know what they need to do, they are adults. This isn’t your job to fix, like you say 63 is no age at all.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 10/11/2022 10:56

Even when I rented a one bed flat in Hampstead I didn’t pay £2k a month in rent!

ArcticSkewer · 10/11/2022 10:57

Not your problem and worrying achieves nothing. If you leave them to it, they will see a way forward - job, relocation, other idiot to ask for money. Who cares? They won't starve and they have free healthcare. Life could be worse.

Musti · 10/11/2022 10:57

You’ll have to tell her that even if you wanted to you can’t afford to support them so she’ll have to get a job or get benefits or both.

Madeyoulook · 10/11/2022 10:57

can they claim housing benefit?

Coconutcream123 · 10/11/2022 10:57

She needs to find a jon and downsize, there is no other option

Buteverythingsfine · 10/11/2022 10:58

As everyone has said, you cannot support them- do you have a spare 3K a month? If not, they will need to change their circumstances and fast. With no savings, they will be eligible for benefits, and rent, but only in a smaller cheaper place. I would just come up with a phrase and repeat it like a broken record 'I'm sorry to hear that mum, there's nothing I can do' and every time she starts up, just say that. It really isn't your problem and you aren't the solution anyway as you can't support another whole household going forward.

Obeythedancecommander · 10/11/2022 10:58

Stopping work at 50 was her mistake so she needs to go and get a job to support herself like everyone else in the country has to do. I cannot forsee myself ever retiring so early, you need to be a millionaire to retire at 50.

She can also move to a less costly accommodation and reduce costs there.

Absolutely do not help her financially or otherwise. Why should you work to fund her when she doesn't want to herself?

She has been reckless. Its not your problem to solve. Don't let her guilt trip you, she can face the music herself.