My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

This is something they will have known was coming, they just expected you to help out. Don’t.

If your dad is unwell, is he unwell enough to look at claiming Attendance allowance and then your mum could be eligible for carers allowance as she is still working age? That's assuming that she is caring for him? This could then open the door for other support and benefits. It's absolutely not your responsibility to finance them though.

Just echoing what everyone else has said here in that they need to downsize and she needs to get a job.

Not sure where they live but I am in a London borough and 2 bed flats here are roughly £1400p/m. Presumably they’d only need a one bed. Point being that regardless of where they live, be it London or elsewhere they definitely don’t NEED a £2k a month rental. She can’t expect to live beyond her means and have you foot the bill for it.

My own mum is a similar age and still working full time in the city because she still has a couple of years left on her mortgage. Once she leaves she intends to get a slightly less strenuous job in a supermarket or similar to help bridge the financial gap alongside her pension - your mum needs to do the same.

They need to find somewhere cheaper to rent, get some advice on benefits, mum get a job. There can't be many pensions that would cover £2k rent and leave you with enough to live on, I have state pension and a works pension and they are nowhere near £2k.

She needs to get a job.

Agree with others your mother couldn’t afford to early retire

Fuck that, I wouldn't even entertain helping them. Maybe tell her you were planning to retire this year so can't help.

your parents need to get on the council list for an over 55s flat/apartment but if they have housing debts including council tax this will not be possible.

a flat will not be then costing them £2000 a month but more likely £400/£600 a month and the bills subsequently much cheaper, council tax, utilities and water will be a fraction of the cost.

With over 55s flats on council lists is they are relatively easy to get hold of as unfortunately their occupants more on much more frequently.

In 3 years time your mother and father could have a few benefits and will be much more finically secure than you, so do not go helping them with hand out of money

point them in the direction of council housing and citizen advice. If they complain tell them you do not have any surplus money as your bills are to high already, keep stating the same thing that you do not have any disposable income to give them.

If she's 63 and healthy then of course she should get a job! And honestly if it's just the two of them then I can't understand why they need to rent a property that's costing £2k a month, so they definitely need to downsize. But you are not responsible for either of these things. You've got your own family and finances to consider and with everything that's going on you certainly have more than enough to worry about so don't take this on your shoulders. It would seem from how you've described the relationship that the silent treatment from your mum is no bad thing! Enjoy it!

She can:
Get a job.
Get a cheaper rental.
Get herself down the CAB to see which benefits etc. she’s eligible for.

“Look after elderly parents” FFS! She’s not elderly!

Most people would love to retire at 50, but very few people can actually afford to with provisions in place which will leave them financially secure for the rest of their life. 63 is still "working age", and I work with people in their 70s. You were not cruel in suggesting she get a job and her implying 63 is elderly is ridiculous, at 63 most people are still perfectly capable of working to earn a living.

I would send her a short and concise text explaining that with the cost of living crisis, you are in no financial position to be funding her lifestyle just because she doesn't want to get a job. I would also suggest she downsizes to a 1 bedroom house/flat, as £2000.00 per month on rent is very, very high. They're either in an expensive area or renting a house much bigger than they require.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on properly, but don't feel pressured in any way to hand over your hard earned money to someone who can, but doesn't want to, earn her own.

I'd struggle to even politely tell her what I thought if they're paying 2k rent and she's refusing to work.

Horrible position to be in but please please do NOT act as a guarantor on their rent if they move.

This is really important, it could completely screw you over if they default on their rent.

I think it would be helpful if you were clear to them that you cannot afford to support them and they need to be making practical steps. They need to enquire if they are entitled to any benefits, and look to move to a cheaper property.

You need to practice tough love here. If you give in now then she is going to leech off your for the rest of her life.

Why are you calling and texting? There's nothing more to say. The fact she's dumped this on you and now not even responding says a lot about her.
Don't get involved.

Like you, I would have assumed that they had done the maths before making retirement plans.

Your mum needs to get a job. She may not want to but she needs money to live and shouldn't depend on you when you're not rolling in it. As pps have said, they also need to see what benefits they are entitled to.

If she's sulking, leave her to it.

It's shit that your Dad is still having to work to subsidise her lifestyle, but that's their choice.

Absolutely don't offer them money. By all means offer to help them move house to a cheaper rental, help her get her CV written etc.

Imagine sitting on your arse when fit and healthy, while your partner is working well past retirement age and demanding other subsidise you!

They also need to see if they are eligible for any benefits, however they will absolutely expect your mum to be working....

They need to investigate retirement/sheltered housing with the local authority. Your Dad should be getting state pension and needs to check that he is getting the correct level of support to ensure he is getting housing benefit etc.
Save your sympathy and your money. Your mum can work. I am 55 now and have another 12 years before I get state pension at which point I will have worked for 51 years!

It's pretty obvious that (as your mother is only 63 and you haven't mentioned any health problems on her part) this is your mother's problem not yours! Doubly so as you're not even in regular contact and they weren't particularly good parents when you were a child!

Obviously your parents need to move somewhere much cheaper, your mum needs to find a job (although this is not easy at 63 with 15 years since her last job she will find something in the current labour shortage market especially if she's flexible about what she does, which she needs to be).

They also need to look on entitledto to see whether they qualify for any benefits/ pension top ups for your dad, especially help with rent.

Really though your mum is young and as far as you've told us healthy, so she's being ridiculous expecting you to support her financially because she cba to work. Your dad is equally ridiculous not to have made any plans for retirement beyond intending to work until he dies, but that ship has sailed. He needs to find out what state pension top ups he can get.

If she was in America the next port of cell would be living in her car so isn’t she lucky we have a benefit system.

Blimey!

i can’t get my pension till I’m 68 so frankly it’s bonkers her retiring at 50. I know teachers, TAs, carers, retail workers nurses, cleaners etc etc working in their 60s because they can’t afford to retire. Your mum can’t afford to retire so that’s what she needs to do.

What is their house like that is costing £2000 a month?! Are they expecting you to pay that?? Do they seriously think you have a spare £24k a year tucked away somewhere just for them to have??

Lots of charities help with advice, eg CAB & a few others. They are lucky they rent, probably get an element of help towards that. She or they need to do some work, either form filling or jobhunting.

They are both adults. This is not your problem. I assume you manage your money properly, you'd never expect another adult to find your lifestyle.

They should have had a vehicle to pay off their interest-only mortgage, so it sounds like they have a history of money mis-management.

Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on difficult conversations with older people may help you here but 63 isn't old & plenty of people work at that age. Plus she's had a 13 year rest! 🙂

Totally cheeky putting this on you.

Job
Benefits
Downsize

Do not give them any money or it will be endless.

You absolutely cannot sacrifice your own children's financial security and stability. Not for anybody, even your own parents. This means no lending them money, and no co-signing loans or acting as a guarantor. Your children come first and you need to remember this when you find yourself feeling guilty.

Your DM has asked for help so in your shoes I would offer help, but not the kind she means. I would offer to support her with job-hunting including writing applications, updating her CV, interview prep, and lifts to interviews if you drive. I would offer to purchase a suitable outfit for attending job interviews if she doesn't have one but that would be the extent of my financial contribution. I would offer to accompany your parents to the CAB to get advice and make sure they are claiming everything they are entitled to. I would offer to help them to find a more affordable rental property, as £2k a month rent is clearly not sustainable. I would offer to sit with them and look at all their monthly outgoings to see where savings could be made.

If they did not accept the help offered above, that is entirely their choice and although I would of course be worried for them, my conscience would be clear.