My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

You can't afford to help them out by giving them money so I would just shut that one down right now. Even if you could cobble together something this month, what about next month? And it will never be enough. You'll start having to make choices which you shouldn't have to make - like do I pay for new shoes/swimming for my DC or give my parents that money and DC go without? They have no right to ask you to make your kids go without because of their poor financial choices. So just say no - the amounts they'd need are so unreasonably large that there's no real point you even trying to pay, you're just going to put your own family into financial hardship and delay the inevitable. When forced to, they will have to look into benefits/work/cheaper accommodation and will hopefully transition to a more stable situation.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

No - you have to feed and clothe your own children and are struggling at minute anyway.

Suggest they check they are claiming for everything.
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

And tools like
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/budgeting/budgeting/work-out-your-budget/

Otherwise they will have to reduce outgoing and look at increasing income one way of doing so is working.

You probably need to practice phrases "like that sounds terrible - we're really struggling to" - then suggest they check they are claiming very thing and other budget advice and then change subject.

This isnt your problem @Lilu1660

They are responsible for themselves. Tell her you'd like to live in a world where people had personal responsibility. Like you are doing.
She sounds like trouble.

Not your circus, not your monkeys op. I know she's family but she's an adult...not elderly either.

I had this when my mother got divorced. She was 48, got only £15K of the equity from the sale of the family house (most of the equity went on bank fees etc).

Basically she then went on spending like she was still married to my father, who was earning a high wage when they divorced. She rented a property in the city centre at a very high rent - to put it in context, this was 30 years ago, and the weekly rent then would have been about the average now. The flat she rented was unfurnished, and she had to carpet it as well...and of course choose a very expensive carpet.

After less than 6 months her divorce settlement was basically gone, and she'd also run up 2 credit cards, and was getting behind with her rent. At the time I was married, but neither myself nor my then husband were earning a fortune and had a mortgage of our own to pay...my older brother was earning well but lived in one of the most expensive areas of the UK. I honestly think she expected us to help her out financially, particularly my brother as he was single at the time, and it didn't go down to well when it became obvious to her than neither of us were in a position to do so (or actually wanted to).

She had to claim benefits and wasn't too happy when the DWP told her she'd have to look for full time work....she'd been a SAHM for 20 years, but had been working part time when my father left...she'd promptly used that as an excuse to give up the job. In the end, she went back to Oz (our home country) leaving behind a lot of unpaid debt and rent....as her solicitor put it, she 'did a runner'. She's been there ever since, claiming a disability pension, living in a tiny housing association flat. She's had to learn to 'cut her cloth' as the old saying goes....your parents will have to do the same. Finding somewhere cheaper to live is the obvious first step.

I have zero sympathy for your mother. What is more, all the people saying she should apply for benefits - WHY should my taxes and the taxes of many others go towards paying for your mother's financial stupidity and laziness? I really resent that. Those benefits need to go to those who need them.
There are plenty of jobs available, you mum needs to start applying.

She needs to (a) get a job asap (b) claim all the benefits she is able to and (c) make a solid retirement plan.

I wouldn't be giving her anything in the way of money. I would give her practical help with job applications, benefits forms, budgeting etc.

I'd also say she is welcome over for tea any time if she is struggling with food.

Jesus what a fucking mess she's got herself into. It's not your job to get her out

No. Point her in the direction of cab and specialist advice if you like but that would be the limit of it.

She's not fallen on hard times through extreme circumstances. She's just lazy and doesn't want to work. She lost the house and still refuses? No she's had plenty of warning. This hasn't come out of the blue.

What does your dad say?

OP

Interested to know why their rent is 2k? Are you in London? How many spare bedrooms do they have? If they are in a 3 bed house they need to downsize to a 1 bed flat and should have done this ages ago.

Also, have they helped you out financially in the past with a house deposit, uni fees or similar? If not, then I wouldn't help unless you were really able to financially.

Your mum needs to get a job and claim benefits. They might be housed too if they become homeless.

Don't start helping them as it will never end. You need to prioritise your kids. I wouldn't see them starve, but you can't be paying their rent for them.

I don’t know how your mum is health wise. But my Mum is the same age, still works. Part time now but she definitely wouldn’t want to retire yet! She has never helped with childcare for any of us as she has always worked.

She is an adult and needs to work out for herself how to pay the rent etc

Of course I would help my Mum if she really needed too - but the sounds it your Mum got in this position because she gave up work at 50! With no long term planning. I’m 5 years of that I can’t even dream of retiring !

Plenty of people at 63 are still working full time. She needs to get a job

Don't give them a penny for starters they won't even be grateful. They have got themselves into a financial mess and they need to get themselves out of it. Your mum will have to work. She is the cruel one expecting you to cover her living costs.
They have to rent somewhere cheaper and get some income - not from you. They're being lazy and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't.
This happened to someone I know who now has the burden of buying their parents food every week. Their parents don't care about all the stress they have caused their dc and that their dc can't afford a holiday etc anymore.

I'd help my mum.

BUT only once I'd seen a solid plan where the finances balance every month - if that means downsizing, returning to work, claiming benefits etc

At that point, I'd do what I can to alleviate as much of the more expensive debts as I could.

OP please do not start giving financial support or it will be very hard to stop and only delay the inevitable anyway- also don’t act as guarantor on a new rental property etc - your kids and your own household come first. I speak from experience of being the only one in my family to have a ‘normal’ job and income as opposed to being on benefits, not making much effort to work as many other members of my family have done. The moment you give an inch they will take a mile. Hold firm those boundaries, it is hard and there may be a period where they won’t speak to you but hopefully in time once it’s all settled down you can rebuild a relationship on a different footing and without feeling the pressure of being the one having to keep them afloat. Your parents are adult individuals and your mum has made some poor choices, it’s not your responsibility to swoop and in and try to fix it. Have a look at The Holistic Psychologist on social media - she has lots of useful insights and advice about boundaries and dealing with the after effects of difficult parents.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc ...

Plenty of people are currently worried sick about bills, but no doubt most of them have behaved more responsibly and don't believe that any self inflicted problems are for others to sort out, so considering what you've said about the relationship I'm not sure why you're "worried sick" about this particular one?

The usual wise suggestion is to offer to point them towards financial management advice, and the same applies here. I doubt it's what she'll want but I wouldn't be going any further than that

This is all on them, I wouldn't get involved beyond giving advice.

You mum needs to get a job.
They need to move to somewhere cheaper.
And they need to look at what benefits they are entitled to (if any).

They are obviously reckless with money, so if you give them money it will be wasted. Don't do it.

That might be a good idea. Not because of your mum - she'd have no chance but because your dad is in his mid 70s and in poor health.

Agree with majority of PP who've said this is absolutely not your responsibility to resolve and given they are poor at managing their finances, you might as well set fire to any money you do give them because it can never be enough to extricate them from this self-dug hole. You have your own family to look after and money given to your parents is money taken away from your dependants. Please do not cave in to any emotional blackmail: they will just have to adjust their lifestyle and live within their means for once. You could create a budgeting spreadsheet for them if that's something you're good at? Practical help yes, money absolutely not. Seriously, hell would freeze over before I asked my adult children to bail me out in these circumstances.

Most people won't have 2k coming in bank after taxes unfortunately. your parents are very unreasonable to spend that sort of money on rent. She needs to get back to work asap.

I don't understand this, according to MN all retirees are living it up at everyone else's expense.

So sorry you have to worry about this.
DO NOT get any sort of financial link with them.
Look after yourself and your future!
Your mum did not retire- she decided to not work for her keep at 50 years of age.
50 year olds only retire when they have a pension etc to support their lives.
She has to get a job again now, she is no where near "elderly"
They can look into benefits they may be able to get also.
Do you know what their actual income is, and what there outgoings are?
May be its what they are spending their money on that's the problem...
you choose not to work, you need to cut your cloth...

Stand firm op, your mother needs to come out of her 'early' retirement and get a job. If she is 63 she could need to be supported till she is in her 90's and I doubt you can afford that. She also won't be able to claim her state pension yet. When she tries to guilt trip you that people should look after their elderly relatives remind her that you absolutely will when she is actually elderly. She is being outrageous. Let her have her tantrum and stop feeling guilty. She is an adult and responsible for herself.

Wtf! She wants you to damage your own finances because she gave up work at 50?

She thinks YOU are responsible for financing her not working?

Not a chance! She made a life style choice and the consequences are hers.

I feel so sad for you. I’m 60 finances not great but I’d be utterly ashamed to ask my DDs for help ever. I’m making plans. Your mum will get a pension at 67 in the meantime she needs a job and there are plenty around. But mostly my message for you is one of sympathy and a virtual
hug you don’t deserve this. Don’t start thinking otherwise.

Wow.
I'm nearly 62, am nothing like 'elderly'.

You should tell your mother that you've learned from her example, you intend to be financially responsible and prioritise the needs of your children. She needs to find a job and more affordable accommodation.

what about your mum’s two private pensions is that not a decent amount?
Probably not if she was only accruing it until 50 and has been drawing on it since then. That's not the OPs responsibility.