My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

So sorry for you OP.
They may be your parents but they sound like a pair of eejits quite frankly.
They clearly didn't learn the importance of financial planning and living within their means after they "lost their house" so, even if you were in a position to help, it would become a bottomless pit to throw money into for you.
Don't feel guilty.
Only 2 people responsible for this mess and neither of them are you.

Threads like these make no so grateful my hardworking parents have always been sensible and made provision for their retirement, worked until 60 and even then retirement was carefully considered to ensure they would be comfortable.
My mom is 70 and still active volunteering in the local community 2 days every week. Of course your mom can get a job even 2 or 3 shifts a week in a supermarket would help

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month)
They need to move to a cheaper property, even if that means a less desirable location. And she needs to get back to work.

Don't be guilt-tripped OP.
Your mum has made a series of disastrous financial decisions - including giving up work at 50!
That's not your fault. Next time she lays on the emotional blackmail, tell her exactly what you said here -
I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is..

Citizens advice is the best port of call here.

Good luck op, I feel for you having to sort it all out.

Attempting to fund them yourself for even a short period will just put a temporary plaster on a long term problem. Your Dad isn't going to get younger, fitter and more able to work. 2K rent is ridiculous to house 2 people and I would suggest that they start looking for somewhere else immediately, depending on area there can be less of a problem with local authority housing for over 55s.

Agree with PP that she needs to approach Citizens Advice for a full benefits entitlement check ASAP including her credits for State Pension.

I'd try not to beat yourself up OP, she's not some vulnerable 90 year old and her bad voulntary choices shouldn't be detrimental to you and your family.

Sorry OP, sounds like a terrible situation to be in.

but… you don’t have to worry. There will be benefits/tax credits/housing benefit etc… they can claim. They’ll have to downsize and what not but it’ll work itself out.

If you help them now it will only delay the above from needing to happen. You’re mum sounds nasty though, like PP said, just tell them no and suggest she calls citizen advice. Then enjoy the silent treatment whilst it lasts.

good luck x

Im not much younger and still working. They need to look into claiming any benefits they are entitled to but if she is fit and well she needs to get a job.

OP I am seeing my mum heading down the same path and it frightens me. I think you just have to let them sort it out. They will need to get a cheaper flat, get on benefits and your mum needs to work.

2k a month rent with no retirement savings. If they have been paying that out for years they could have bought a good flat!

They have been totally financially irresponsible. It's not up to you to sort this out for her. She needs to take responsibility. I feel sorry for your father.

Absolutely this!

This is honestly one of the maddest things I've ever read on here. Sounds stressful and horrible for you, she is being totally unreasonable.

WOW thanks so much everyone for your help! I did not expect this! It could not be more appreciated!

I don't know how to reply to people personally coz I've never written on here before....if I press add message below their message it just seems to go to the bottom of the thread. Will reply to questions personally once I work this out (not sure when technology got the better of me!) thanks again xxxxx

Your mum is being selfish and unreasonable. She needs to get her head out of the clouds and get a job. You can't keep her and to put that pressure on you is unfair. She's been very irresponsible with her finances and now is paying the consequences

She’s not elderly! Why on earth did she retire at fifty? Tell her to join some agencies (Indeed Flex for example) where she can get work without too much trouble and her age won’t matter.

You have 2 kids. They are your absolute priority. Do not, not, not let yourself feel guilty about saving and spending every bit of your income for their security. Your mum is behaving appallingly.

I'm 49. I'd love to retire next year but it's not financially responsible or long-term feasible to do so.

"she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents."

I wish I belonged to a community where people took care of each other and that includes adults who can work not asking their over-stretched children for money because they don't want to.

I think your mum has had a financial shock but projecting this onto you is not OK.

Agree with everyone else.Your mother is being ridiculously entitled - most 63 year olds are still working. My husband is 61 and nowhere near thinking about retiring yet! And I'm certainly not at 51!!

I understand this must be incredibly difficult for you, but you must understand that this is not your responsibility and you must not budge. Don't get drawn into a debate on this. You can offer suggestions (if she is willing to accept them, otherwise just keep quiet). Basically it boils down to 1) find out about benefits (CAB?) including carers allowance (??) and help with housing 2) mum looks for some paid work 3) look for a cheaper place to rent. £2000 sounds like a lot!!!

You might help a little with 1)2)3) but it is ultimately your parents' responsibility. They are not the victims of unusual, unexpected or unavoidable events.

You are not in a position to help and it's because of your mum's laziness that they are in this position.
You want to get yourself into debt or affect your children's lives because your mum is lazy? Go ahead.
Otherwise, stick to your guns, say you are not in a position to help.
Maybe you dad can claim some kind of thing, I think attendance allowance is for over 80s but there is something similar I think for under 80s although I think it may then be means tested however it sounds like they might get something. The easy answer is for your mum to work...

Not sure where you are in the country but in the North East (my patch) most sheltered accommodation flats are advertising properties to rent. It might not be what they want but at least something like that is affordable. Agree with everyone else - she needs to get a job, and this is definitely not your problem.

It is not your job to fix this. Do not given them any money. Not even once. Not even a small amount.

I helped my mother out for a finite period at about that age, when she was aged about 63-64, at the time my father fell ill and died aged 65 ish - she lost his income and also temporarily stopped working to care for him.

It was only a temporary thing due to an unforeseen change in circumstances. Her plan had always been to work until her late 60s, and her plans included a [modest] inheritance that she anticipated getting sooner rather than later given that her mother was 30 yrs older than her. This all came to pass and she's now all but retired [aged 68-69 ish maybe works the very odd shift occasionally and has received her inheritance].

I couldn't have committed to supporting her over multiple decades, not whilst any other options were available to her. If she was homeless and/or broke at an age when working was impossible then of course I'd do whatever had to be done, blood is thicker than water, but I'd see this as very much a last resort.

She needs to find a job and support herself. If she is reasonably fit then there are plenty of jobs she could do.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.

This is truly reprehensible behaviour. Implicitly suggesting you should rectify her financial irresponsibility, then trying DARVO, and finally giving you the silent treatment when you don't immediately capitulate: there's a name for that kind of thing. It surprises me not at all that she failed in her care to you as a mother, yet still now expects you to take care of her. I can't even articulate how much her attitude disgusts me.

I can offer no advice on her financial circumstances, but there is very useful advice out there as to how you deal with a parent of this sort. It's actually in Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws, but it applies equally well to parents (and the accompanying book Toxic Parents might also be worthy of a read if you suffered a difficult childhood).

The group of in-laws Forward refers to, with brilliant advice on how to deal with them, are the 'Masters of Chaos'. One case study she refers to is of a father-in-law making precisely similar demands on his son-in-law, and a great series of set-in-stone responses to help them take responsibility for themselves.

Constantly bailing someone out, when they refuse to manage their own money and continually return with their hands out for more, isn't doing them any more favours in the long-run than you'd be doing yourself.

I'm sorry she's put you in this position, OP. Her behaviour is disgraceful.

Bottomline here: your mother is framing this as if you have a choice to help her. It's not a choice you have available to you. It's also not just your mother who is responsible here too.

Your parents are being emotionally and financially abusive in laying a guilt trip and expecting you to bail them out.

You don't suddenly wake up one morning and realise you've run out of money for retirement. Keep that in mind. Her emotional blackmail is fully premeditated and planned. Even the most chronically bad with money realise that. It could be possible she is a victim here and your father has withheld financial information from her, but ultimately that's still not your responsibility.

At the very least you can't afford to fund their lifestyle. £2000 for rent is insane. And if they are determined to not work, then they are not tied to a certain area of the country by a job.

You also simply cannot afford to subsidise them at the time with the economic situation. You have a responsibility to your children's future - something that your mother clearly doesn't recognise. £2000 a month on your parents rent or £2000 in the bank for your kids future? (and its likely you wouldn't be putting it in the bank anyway)

As for moving in with you? Hell no. Not when she's 63 and still below retirement age. She must take responsibility here not expect you to.

If your relationship is already strained and they are poor with money, it's a recipe for disaster. How are you going to feel every time they spend money on crap or don't contribute to the household because of expectations that children look after their parents??

And that's without thinking about the impact on your kids in terms of where everyone sleeps and then if there is conflict in the household because of their fecklessness.

She's lashing out at you for suggesting she needs to get a job because she doesn't want to. No other reason.

Your relationship won't be sustained by supporting them. You will just resent them more and it will deteriorate. So don't worry about the idea of them disowning you in some way, because it's them not you who are damaging your relationship. It is not your fault nor responsibility for the mess they have created. Don't let her try and convince you otherwise. She does not respect or appreciate you. No relationship survives that level of contempt.

Other bottomline: She's in a position where she also doesn't have a choice but to go back to work. And thats just tough shit. She will have to suck that up as well as a house move to a much smaller place and cheaper area.

See the situation for what it is and leave the to it to work out for themselves because you can't fix this for them.

I meant to add that I'm 63 and I'd be mortified to be begging my kids for money because I'd wasted mine!

Your mother is an emotional manipulator.
Don't fall for it. It's not your burden to carry.
She can work until she's physically not able to work.

I wonder has she always tended to try to make you the parent and herself the child?
Otherwise known as taking up the victim position. She tries to make you rescue her, then when you bring her attention to the fact that she's a grown woman, she turns on you and makes you the persecutor. So she can return to the victim position.
Keep referring to the fact that she is a grown adult in very good health.
Keep asking her questions rather than offer advice or solutions 'sorry to hear you are worried, what do you think you'll do about it?' or 'have you been to citizens advice?
or 'what do you think the solution might be'

She's a child looking for a new parent now that she realises her current 'Dad' is older than her and might leave her alone in the future.

She's trying to get you to sign up to 'parenting' her. She's been doing this all her life with your Dad.

State clearly 'I'm not going to give you money'.