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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

784 replies

Lilu1660 · 10/11/2022 10:49

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 08/02/2023 10:46

ZOMBIE THREAD

Jimboscott0115 · 08/02/2023 10:53

I think this is more common than you think OP and I absolutely sympathise.

My ex will have the same issue with her mum in the coming years, partner is at retirement age and still working but her mum decided to stop working in her early 50s and has already cashed in significant amounts of her pension (she's still in her 50s).

It's entitlement as you've already said, she didn't feel like she should work so stopped without actually planning and just assumed your dad would work until the day he passed away. It's selfish and she needs to buck her ideas up.

monitor1 · 08/02/2023 11:09

@Lilu1660 what happened in the end?

Gingernan · 09/02/2023 18:44

She needs to get a job,she might even enjoy it! I'm still working at 73.My fault I didn't save for a works pension,I guess, but I only worked enough to get by after my husband died when we were in our 40s,as I prioritised the children.Well, childcare was scant in those days. So now I still have to graft.It's OK.
It will be tough for them,they may have to downsize too,she needs encouragement and support but the world is a hard place unfortunately.

Babyroobs · 09/02/2023 18:48

I don't quite understand why so many people think they shouldn't have to work. I understand this may not be the case with your mum but I work in benefits advice and the number of people we have ringing up , often the man turning pension age and only going to get a small state pension and they seem aghast when we say that they will need to claim Universal credit and younger wife will need to look for work. Many haven't worked for years and don't seem to think they should. they are not carers or anything which would be different, they just haven't worked for years.

HoneyBadger525 · 09/02/2023 20:08

They sound like they’re living well above their means with such low and inconsistent income. Your mum is lucky to have had the last 13 years living a life of luxury, now she needs to be realistic and get off her arse and go back to work! I wouldn’t even class her as old. I would be embarrassed to have to ask my child to support me when I’d not been bothered to work for so long. I’m all about looking after your elderly relatives but she is taking the absolute mick. I’d be interested to know what she’d say if you refused to work and went back with your children and said she needed to fund you and your £2k per month mortgage!

Naddd · 09/02/2023 20:11

Elsanore · 10/11/2022 10:55

Your parents need to find out what benefits they are entitled to, and claim them. They need to urgently go to citizen's advice bureau who will have lots of knowledge and next steps. Your mum needs to work full time ASAP.

You can help by assisting with all of the above in a non judgemental way (although obviously that will be hard because they have been outstandingly stupid!) You could research it all online for them and make and go to benefits and CAB appointments with them.

Don't give them money and don't let them move in with you!

Why should benefits support her when it seems she's deliberately deprived herself of capital!

Blow all your money then expect benefits to support you?

Technonan · 09/02/2023 20:13

63 isn't elderly. I'm 73 and I still work and plan to do so as long as I can. This isn't your reposnsibility. She needs to sign on - she's under the retirement age now, so that should be simple enough, and she needs to get a job.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/02/2023 20:16

Wow at your mum

She's 60. She can find a job and start to pay for stuff

£2k a month is insane. What size house do they live in

They can downsize and live in a one bed flat and prob save £1k a month

Hope your dad is ok

Whatafliberty · 09/02/2023 23:31

She is a cheeky bitch and you should tell her to cut her cloth. Offer to help them budget but no more.

jannier · 09/02/2023 23:45

Lilu1660 · 10/11/2022 10:59

I honestly don't know why she retired so young. She said she had had enough of working as she had worked since she was 15. I just assumed she had done the sums and knew she would be able to! Ridiculous entitlement basically :-\

School leaving age was 16 then.

Elleherd · 10/02/2023 09:27

jannier · 09/02/2023 23:45

School leaving age was 16 then.

Show quote history

School leaving age was officially 16, but meant little where I was. Kids with low prospects often dropped out early, and I wasn't alone in having an unwell parent and stopping going several years before that.
We'd all heard of truancy officers, but if you where 'needed at home' or didn't go round causing trouble, there didn't seem to be any interest. Same with underage working, you got paid less because of age, but the legality side of it never seemed to be an issue.

Having said that, none of it is an excuse for Op's mother's rotten behavior towards her.

DonnaBanana · 10/02/2023 09:51

Blow all your money then expect benefits to support you?

That’s my plan. Why am I saving to pay £1k a week for an old people’s home one day when the council will pay it if your assets are low enough? I paid in long enough

IloveRickyGervaisAndHisTeeth · 10/02/2023 09:55

Your mum hasn't worked for 13 years but has spent all the savings? She needs to get a job. There are loads of care work jobs going.

Dreamstate · 10/02/2023 09:57

DonnaBanana · 10/02/2023 09:51

Blow all your money then expect benefits to support you?

That’s my plan. Why am I saving to pay £1k a week for an old people’s home one day when the council will pay it if your assets are low enough? I paid in long enough

What a disgusting attitude. Don't moan when those benefits give you a shite life. Rather save my money to have a more comfortable life then deliberately blow it all and then rely on handouts to just exist.

SleepyRich · 10/02/2023 10:57

DonnaBanana · 10/02/2023 09:51

Blow all your money then expect benefits to support you?

That’s my plan. Why am I saving to pay £1k a week for an old people’s home one day when the council will pay it if your assets are low enough? I paid in long enough

I work for the ambulance service and see what happens to people who haven't got any assets or savings in retirement, and it's not £1000 a week residential homes. It's a grotty 1 room flat in the worst part of town surrounded by damp and very dysfunctional people, left to descend into frailty, too scared to leave the flat because quite frankly the areas are terrifying to walk around. It's probably one of the most upsetting things I regularly see at work. Although I do live in a large city, I really hope other areas are better.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/02/2023 10:58

@Lilu1660 what happened in the end

When I replied I didn't know this was months old

Soooooooooooo?

woodhill · 10/02/2023 11:03

@SleepyRich

Sounds awful for those people

At least money gives you more options

Mind you the way the UK is becoming of late

Gingernan · 10/02/2023 13:44

To be fair a few years ago a lot of people retired early if that's when they could get their occupational pensions. I fully expected to retire at 60,which was when we got state pensions.My dad did OK on his and even managed to save! Different times though,he didn't have the bills I have. Also,I believe the mum is a lot younger than the dad, so probably wanted to retire near to when he did.

jannier · 10/02/2023 15:01

Elleherd · 10/02/2023 09:27

School leaving age was officially 16, but meant little where I was. Kids with low prospects often dropped out early, and I wasn't alone in having an unwell parent and stopping going several years before that.
We'd all heard of truancy officers, but if you where 'needed at home' or didn't go round causing trouble, there didn't seem to be any interest. Same with underage working, you got paid less because of age, but the legality side of it never seemed to be an issue.

Having said that, none of it is an excuse for Op's mother's rotten behavior towards her.

Show quote history

I'm same age couldn't get a Saturday job without heads approval ...normal comp. Truancy was about in my area and having a disabled parent that would collapse wasn't enough of an excuse for me ...seems to vary by area then.

KonTikki · 10/02/2023 15:26

Parents first responsibility is to their children.
Parents should have a sound financial plan for retirement ensuring that they are not a burden nor dependent upon their children.
To do otherwise is selfish and irresponsible.
The OP's first responsibility is to the welfare of her children.

tenthousandmaniacs · 10/02/2023 15:41

Yep she’s no one to the op, just her mother

PoshHorseyBird · 10/02/2023 17:37

Your mum is being completely unreasonable, she could potentially live another 30 years are you expected to pay for her for all that time?? Let her get on with her sulking, she'll have to get a job.

changeme4this · 10/02/2023 18:03

At her age there is no reason why she can’t pick up a role such as private shopper in a supermarket. If it’s anything like where I live, decent workers seem to have fallen through a crack and employers are calling out for help.

however at my mum’s age of late 80’s and after many careful years of conservative spending, both parents working, and going into a private hospital care situation, she has little left and I don’t know what they could have done differently. ..

ChocMarshmallows · 10/02/2023 18:13

My mum had no private pension and no savings. She lived off the state pension. I know it's not much, but it's doable. Mum led a relatively comfortable life. Sadly she is no longer with me, but I'd have helped out with a holiday each summer for her if she'd have needed it and been around to enjoy it. Would not be in a position to help more, and like you, I had a strained, at times, relationship so wouldn't necessarily have wanted to help too much more.

I'd suggest your parents investigate the state pension, maybe downsize or move to a cheaper area, and you could help them on the odd occasion for a few luxuries or the odd UK holiday/short break with/without you.