AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

She does seem to have a lot to live on, as you say weigh up what she spent this year but if they provide those kind of bursaries every year then she should probably borrow less as of course that needs repaying one day

She is def on more than my dd who is working in London and living in a house share.

They are so bloody proud of the independence they have and earning their own money.

And what one of the first things they do? Demand they take you out and treat you 😂

I suppose it depends how much you Want to see your DD.

I would pay anything to see mine, in fact when she was abroad I spent £2,000 to fly long haul to see her as after 10 weeks apart I really missed her.
i do get on very well with my DD and her happiness means more to me than my own.

I don't consider her loaded when £12k is borrowed. That's nuts she shouldn't borrow that much if not needed.
That aside yes I'd pay train I can afford & would like to see them & rather they not borrow more than they need to at a young age.

My sister was on less than half of that...never heard of students getting that much!

As I said earlier, in my opinion, it depended on a few factors. I never got help from family and never expected it as financially, I was OK! My sister on the other hand wasn't, and I understood that and helped her out myself when I could.

But it sounds like your daughter has more than enough to live on! And in that case, shouldn't be expecting you to pay out. I would agree to buy her a rail card but then it's on her to pay out for the trips home!

My dc have always paid their own

My two children who are at university pay for all their own travel. I am on my own and couldn’t afford to pay for all their travel although obviously I will help by eg driving them there at the start of term etc. They also don’t tend to come back mid-term unless it’s for something exceptional, and neither would I expect them to.

I actually can’t remember what happened when I was at uni 25 years ago. My parents had to pay for my Grant equivalent though and couldn’t afford much more than what they were told to contribute. I suspect though, knowing my parents, they would have paid all my travel. My mum did used to come over and visit on occasions and stay on a hotel. She once came all the way, collected me, gave another friend a lift half way, and took me home. We also had an arrangement where she came and met me half way due to having to change trains so it was a good mid way point. Saved half the train fair and waiting time.

But as a middle aged adult my mother in particular always pays for things for us like meals out and travel when we all go together somewhere.

I suspect of my children go away to uni I would pay these things for them as long as I could afford to. I guess if you can’t afford it you can’t.

I'm 28 now and my mum always used to pay my train tickets to come home (Manchester to London). Although I never expected her to. I always booked it and she'd often just transfer funds into my bank acc.

Also IMO you're being unreasonable for using a railcard as part of her bday present!

I’d pay for mine, my parents never did (and could have afforded to) but my lovely aunt and uncle did for my cousins. Why wouldn’t you? It’s like you resent having paid out to go and see her!

Our son is a distance away at uni. We decided that we would pay reasonable amount of train fares for visiting home. It gives us peace of mind. He knows that should anything be amiss, we will pay for a fare home and finances are not an issue.

Depends on your financial circumstances op.

I enjoy supporting my adult children- why not.

I was asked to leave home at 18, and my parents gave me nothing, not even a lift.
I went through financial difficuties, including being homeless for a while, I remember feeling very vulnerable, insecure, fearful and lonely.
My OH was similar-kicked out at 16, sofa surfing and sleeping in the toilets at work.
We knew that whan we had children we would want to support them if we could as they launched into adulthood.
As it happens we can afford to support them and it is a priviledge to do so- I love the fact they know there is always a home for them back with us,and financial support when they need it or for emergencies.
They have never abused our generosity, but hope it gives them some security knowing that we have their backs covered if they need it.

I think if I was your daughter I’d feel pretty unwanted with you not wanting to pay for me to come home.
maybe she’s saving her loans/bursary for if she “really” needs it, or to help her out once uni is finished.
as for paying for her train ticket for her birthday - wow! As a parent, it’d be more a gift for me having my kids come home from uni!m to see us!

Forget the train fare, if I was you I'd be stocking up on laundry detergent. It was amazing the amount of dirty laundry I managed to lug home on the train so as to save spending on the uni laundrette! 😂

I used to get the coach to London and then train home and be collected. My parents did pay for that but it was the most economical way. I think perhaps the learning point here for you and DD is that she needs to plan and travel more economically. I also used to get help with transport at the start and end of term, so I would hope to copy that model.

I would I pay halves if I couldn’t afford the full amount.

It's pretty mean. My dad always paid for me to come home or picked me up (>3 hour drive)

Could she come via coach? much cheaper - its what I used to do back in the day to save money

I would offer to pay assuming I had the funds. Uni students can be idiots with money. Well mine were. They will test you. And beyond uni

My DD opened student acct with Santander and they give 3 yr railcard as a welcome bonus, we still pay for her tickets but it's a good saving

Crumbs I was permanently in debt as a student and never expected my family to pay for travel - though staying at home was free for all uni and first year of work.

Having a similar debate in our house. I said I’ll pay for the coach or I’ll give him the cost of the coach fare towards the train ticket. He makes up the difference. I’ll pay for a railcard. He still hasn’t decided. Doesn’t want to sit for 3 hrs on a coach “next to a random stranger and screaming kids.” My thoughts were perhaps he should have learnt to drive then or chosen a Uni closer to home. I have said we will drive him back next weekend as we were planning a visit anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

We always paid for everything with all three of ours…though they didn’t receive any bursary or allowance…so we paid rent, for food, university fees….and gave them a monthly allowance. They still ended up owing thousands!