Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

365 replies

SilverBirchx0x0 · 09/11/2022 22:57

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

OP posts:
pairofrollerskates · 11/11/2022 18:37

if you want her to keep coming home, pay for her ticket!

winniemum · 11/11/2022 18:40

I paid for all 3 of mine to come home on the train and let them know I’d do this all the way through university.
I wanted to see them and didn’t want them to worry if they could afford to come home.
If you can afford it, I think it’s mean not to pay.
They come out with huge debts which we never had, so I’m sure she’s not got loads of money! She owes lots of money.

Donttalkimcounting · 11/11/2022 18:41

Not to make you feel bad OP, but my parents financed my own car at Uni - so yeah buy the train ticket 😉

I now do my Mum's online shopping (and pay for it). I pay for everything when she comes to visit. And I'm going to be covering her energy bill.

You get it back....eventually 😋

Missyc11 · 11/11/2022 18:45

No, you are not being unreasonable at all!! in fact i call it good parenting. she has the money, she's a grown woman. if she was struggling for money then yes, i would but she is not. so, no i would not.

reading some of these responses though just clarifies why we have a vast amount of spoiled, entitled children of parents that couldn't set boundaries or teach their children to be independent.

getoutoftown · 11/11/2022 18:46

I would agree to buy her a rail card but then it's on her to pay out for the trips home!

I kind of agree with this except for start and end of term when she may have a lot of belongings to move and may need driving. I'd also offer to pay part of it on this occasion maybe but you need to have a frank discussion with her about money. If you're strapped for cash and she is learning to budget I think it's OK to say how much you can help her out and what is a matter of her choice.

It doesn't mean you don't love her, don't want her to visit etc - that's daft. Of course you do! It's not fair of her to compare what other parents are doing like there's an unbreakable rule. Maybe they're a lot richer. Also, planning ahead to get those cheaper fares is crucial.

Runnerduck34 · 11/11/2022 19:07

Mmm tricky, if Im honest I often help pay for my DD travel to and from uni or go and collect her.
However on full maintenance loan and a bursary she should be able to pay for it, can you compromise and go halves? I wouldnt want a barrier to her coming home.
Shes probably right when she says most of her friends parents collect or pay for transport but they may not be on full maintenance loans. Can you afford to help?

Conkersareback · 11/11/2022 19:32

Missyc11 · 11/11/2022 18:45

No, you are not being unreasonable at all!! in fact i call it good parenting. she has the money, she's a grown woman. if she was struggling for money then yes, i would but she is not. so, no i would not.

reading some of these responses though just clarifies why we have a vast amount of spoiled, entitled children of parents that couldn't set boundaries or teach their children to be independent.

Reading this it makes me realise why a lot of children are NC with their parents and find it very easy.

Conkersareback · 11/11/2022 19:33

Missyc11 · 11/11/2022 18:45

No, you are not being unreasonable at all!! in fact i call it good parenting. she has the money, she's a grown woman. if she was struggling for money then yes, i would but she is not. so, no i would not.

reading some of these responses though just clarifies why we have a vast amount of spoiled, entitled children of parents that couldn't set boundaries or teach their children to be independent.

So what are you saving the money you're not paying on the rail fare for? So that when you're dead your children get a bigger inheritance? Why not see them happy now?

Dibbydoos · 11/11/2022 19:38

OP you are NOT being unreasonable. She's on a full maintenance grant for a reason, right? Sadly she's now met more privileged people whose parents have more money than you and is being selfish.

She def needs to pay her own rail fare. I used to pay mine and I'd travel home a lot! London to Manchester...

elmo1990 · 11/11/2022 19:46

OP you're not being unreasonable. Both myself and my brother paid for trainfare if we wanted to travel home. We both got full loans and bursaries, I was half an hour away (but 2hrs by train) and my brother was 4hrs. I don't think it would have occurred to either of us to ask our mum to pay.

roarfeckingroarr · 11/11/2022 19:49

In fact my dad bought me a car, paid for the insurance and then still paid for me to get the train back from uni. He wanted to see me and it was the kind thing to do.

berryhol · 11/11/2022 19:50

When I went to uni 2004-2007 I worked 30 o
hours a week and didn’t get a penny from my parents. Not saying that’s right but it taught me a lot about budgeting and self sufficiency skills. I now have two boys and wouldn’t be so hard but would only help them if they were showing they were willing to help themselves. If she’s also got the part time work and buying her own books etc then help her with transport costs, if she’s sending her money on booze then wanting you to pay essentials then tell her to think again

threatmatrix · 11/11/2022 20:18

I would have told her definitely no way was I buying her ticket and folded and bought it.

ozymandiusking · 11/11/2022 20:23

Have you asked her what she has left out of the £ 1700. How much would the train fare cost? If you can afford it would you pay half.

PhillySub · 11/11/2022 20:57

I would tell her to consider catching the coach which would be a lot cheaper.

mileaminute · 11/11/2022 21:27

100% I would pay. It's important to me for him to know that he can come home whenever he wants and there are no obstacles to that. And that I want to see him.
I think this comes from how my dad was with me "wherever you are, whatever happens, I'll come and get you" that kind of attitude.

Chuck2015 · 11/11/2022 21:58

I never asked my parents for money, students are either independent or not, can’t have it both ways!
Maybe it’s nice to offer occasionally but it’s very entitled to expect it and I’m not sure it’s a great life lesson to pay for everything either..

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 11/11/2022 22:07

Do you actually know where all of her money is going?

My daughter went to uni and her accommodation was over £1000 more than her loan. Let alone food or anything else.

Firethrice · 11/11/2022 22:09

Conkersareback · 11/11/2022 19:32

Reading this it makes me realise why a lot of children are NC with their parents and find it very easy.

Show quote history

An adult going non contact with their parents because they won’t pay for their travel home when they are an adult and have enough money - that adult needs therapy not a rail fare.

Original poster
SilverBirchx0x0 · 11/11/2022 22:42

threatmatrix · 11/11/2022 20:18

I would have told her definitely no way was I buying her ticket and folded and bought it.

That's exactly what I did do! 😀😀

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 11/11/2022 23:01

She's a student. Of course you should pay! It would never enter my head not to!

Kite22 · 11/11/2022 23:03

She's a student. Of course you should pay! It would never enter my head not to!

Have you read that the student's income is virtually as much as the household income of the family ? Hmm

CountessWindyBottom · 11/11/2022 23:23

Kite22 · 11/11/2022 23:03

She's a student. Of course you should pay! It would never enter my head not to!

Have you read that the student's income is virtually as much as the household income of the family ? Hmm

And have you read that the student's family have evidently contributed the sum total of sweet f8ck all to their child's further education? The stinginess of this thread is staggering. I can't believe the OP had to put this to public vote. 🙄

Kite22 · 11/11/2022 23:46

How is it stingy ? Confused

the very premise of the way that student finance is worked out is that a student who gets the full loan, gets the full loan because it is recognised that their parents are not able to afford to pay out to support the student. Same with the type of bursary this student has. It has been awarded because the University recognise the household income of the student's family does not have wiggle room to be treating them to all the 'extras' that it might be nice to have.

Sceptre86 · 11/11/2022 23:58

I'd give her a reality check and tell her to stump up the cost herself. Obviously when she come home for the weekend I would feed her and house her but presumably she chose to go to a uni 4 hours away. That comes with a choice to get herself there and back. Too many 18 years olds are mollycoddled. She's an adult. That being said if you want to fund her train tickets, she's your child so it's up to you. I personally don't like the entitlement.