AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

Are people missing the fact that the OP will have a household take home pay of less than £20,500 after tax etc whereas the OP's dd has an annual income of £14,600 just for her.

My dc have less money than yours - no £1000 from grandparents or bursary. I pay for their trip home at the end of term and back to uni again, but not any journeys during the term. We made it clear to them at the beginning what we would and wouldn’t pay for.
If she was coming home in the middle of the term because she was upset or needed support in some way, I’d probably pay. But not if she just wants a weekend at home.

There's a bit of a whiff of "if you loved them you'd pay" coming off this thread...how about if you loved them you'd let them decide - you'd give them the money whether they came home or not?

People are too busy tripping over themselves ‘proving’ how much they love their kids to worry about trivialities like budgets. I think it’s rather sad that their kids need to be paid to ‘love’ them back tbh.

Lool ikr.

My mum did the whole pay me and my dc’s for our love. Would have been better elsewhere cos none of us like her.

Some of the stuff aimed at the op has been damn right nasty. Questioning her love for her dd because instead of instantly agreeing she decided to find out if it’s the norm.

Which is what I do. I do have a high income so ds has the minimum loan. I top it up the region of £5k per year. So if he wants to come home he pays his train fayre, if he wants to go visit his mates, or stay in his uni city he does so.

The OP's low income means she doesn't have the luxury of being able to give her dd any extra cash, but with her bursary and money from grandparents her dd ends up with more than my ds anyway.

But in this scenario the visit seems to be planned, presumably by the daughter? So she wants to - possibly reading week, possibly to see other home friends for the first time - but doesn't want to pay for it. And the OP has already visited in the past few weeks.

So it's not a case of "why not visit".

So did you refuse the money? No, thought not.

No, Oxbridge has 8 week terms and there are several other universities who have 10 week terms.

Then you would think wrong. I stopped taking anything from her when I was still a minor. Thankfully wasn’t living with her so was easy to.

Gabe the relationship a go thinking it was the right thing to do for my children. I thought she had changed and allowed her to buy the dc’s the stuff. Realised she was still a toxic cow and didn’t see her again.

My parents were on a low income so couldn’t afford to help me financially.
I was entitled to the full loan/grant and had to make it last, I also had to pay private rent and didn’t have any catered halls etc so all my money went on surviving, it definitely wasn’t easy!

Mine paid for their own but I'm giving them £££ every month!

18
4 hours away from home
been at uni for a couple of months

I would bring her home on my back!

at 18, first term at uni - I was a bit thoughtless. I look back and remembering letting my mum down at the very last minute because of been invited to a party. My sister later let me know that my mum had redecorated my room, got all my favourite food in etc. but at 18 and in love for the first time - I could have been offered a 2 weeks all inclusive luxury holiday and I would have turned it down for that party!

She will settle and realise she is being somewhat self absorbed in time!. In the meantime, if I could afford it, then yes… I would pay without hesitation

But these issues are often dependent on the relationship between parent and child - so always going to be very different responses

Presumably the DD knows her mother is on a very low income and so rather than say mum I don’t fancy coming home as agreed as I’ve been invited to a party). She says it’s about money, knowing her mum won’t be able to afford it. The twisted logic of a teen trying not to hurt her mum’s feelings?!

Funny how some criticise other Mnetters generally when others don’t agree with them. I could turn this around and say “Mumsnet is the home of [insulting words about poorer or tight parents]” but some of us Mnetters are actually tolerant of others’ opinions and how they choose to live their lives 😁

Oooh get you!

I’m not as wealthy as most mumsnetters, so thank God I’ve never had to pay any of my lot to visit me or I’d never see them! 😂

We buy railcards, they pay for their own tickets. Often Megabus is much cheaper than trains.

As she is a first year and it's an adjustment, i'd pay but make it clear she needs to get a part time job and pay her own way from 2nd year onwards!

DDs uni has been very generous with bursaries. DD receives £12667 student maintenance loan, £3500 bursary (due to family icome) and another £2000 accommodation Bursary to help with accommodation in the summer term. She also had £1000 from her grandparents. That's £19167 for the academic year. Think DD has had more than many students to survive on tbh.

She really should not have taken all that loan op. If she doesn’t need that amount, then daft to take it, spend it, and then… owe it

I think it's a case of playing it by ear in her first year to see how much she needs to live on in London. Nothing to stop her using money she doesn't use for living expenses to pay back loan.

DDs uni has been very generous with bursaries. DD receives £12667 student maintenance loan, £3500 bursary (due to family icome) and another £2000 accommodation Bursary to help with accommodation in the summer term. She also had £1000 from her grandparents. That's £19167 for the academic year. Think DD has had more than many students to survive on tbh.

That is a VAST amount of money for a student to live on - even in London.
She needs to look at where her money is going, and stop living out of her budget.
Does she realise she is getting 3x what some students live on ?

Whilst (in order for her to be getting the full loan) the family income isn't likely to be much more than this.

Of course she should be paying for transport if she chooses to spend her weekend traveling home.

Forget she is on more than other students. She’s on more than some single people working in London and living in a shitty cupboard housesharew

I pay for my son’s and he’s got plenty of money in his account. I will continue to do this whilst he’s at Uni. Up to you of course if you don’t want to, I guess many parents do to help out