Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

[oxymomon]

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

"Do you have children?" is a question i think should be banned from conversations.

I do think that’s a big step too far. It’s a perfectly reasonable conversational gambit….but if the answer is no, you move on without any further questions on the topic. Same to “are you married?” (a single friend of mine is sick of being grilled as to “why not?”; as he actually said to someone once, there isn’t likely to be a happy answer to that question of “why not?”, so definitely better not to ask it!).

I can’t really help wondering, I mean, you can’t always help the thoughts that pop into your head…and I sincerely hope they can’t tell I’m wondering unless they have physic powers!

I've asked two women this question before
One was a lady I work with in a non teaching role in a primary school ( as all of my colleagues have children ) when she first stated there and one was someone I met through my husbands job who I didn't know and it was just part of the conversation you have when you first meet someone.
I feel I'd be a bit more wary now though as I sometimes tend to say things without thinking first ! Although I like to think I wasn't being disrespectful , it was just a generic question Both ladies have different reasons for not having children , but were happy to talk about it and admit they have a great life because of it. I think it will be much more common over time too, my own son ( 25 ) doesn't want children. I can't say I blame him really. He isn't in a relationship atm though ..

Another thought I have but don’t vocalise is jealousy (in a light hearted way) about the lie ins and being able to do what they want on the weekend 😂

I wouldn’t give it a thought. But I have been in that situation, we were married and “trying” for 14 years before we had our first child. I’ve had some nasty, stupid, thoughtless remarks made to me. I could never do it to someone else.

we finally had two children and I was called selfish for having them so late as I’d surely die before they grew up. I was in my late 30’s…

Why just the woman? It takes two to have a baby you know.

As for your question, I might be secretly curious. However, I wouldn’t dream of asking. Even if I was 90% sure they didn’t want kids, they may have been privately trying for ages and it’s actually a very sore topic. My view is that if they want to discuss it than they will, if not then I won’t pry.

One lady I used to know had much older step children she didn't like that-much , so she was happy it was very part time and had a lovely life and was child free the rest of the time. Holidays , money , lie ins etc.

If it was a first meeting, finding out about each other I might ask generally about her family, where they're from etc... but I wouldn't ask a married woman specifically if she had children and why not. As others have said it might cross my mind 'oh I wonder why' but that's the end.
A colleague I worked with didn't have children. Others used to say it was weird/ how her parents would never have grandkids etc.
My view is it's their choice as a couple if they have kids. To have kids because it's 'expected' is probably the worst reason to have them.
I actually think women who actively choose not have them are usually quite strong and I admire them for sticking with their beliefs. (My DSis has never wanted kids so maybe that affects how I see it)

I'm childfree by choice.

I don't mind being asked whether I have children or not - in my opinion, that's a fairly neutral question to be asked.

I hate being asked if I want children or if I think I'll have them. This is incredibly invasive. There's a myriad of reasons why I don't have children and it's absolutely no one else's business.

I don't think I've ever been asked why I don't have children - I think I'd be too stunned to answer if someone asked that.

I remember once when I’d been married about four years a colleague asking “any sign of a family yet?” I told her we’d been having fertility issues and she was absolutely mortified and apologised profusely for having asked.

@Clickta , fucking hell, are you me?

"then THEY have the nerve to be uncomfortable and you end up reassuring them!"

Yes. I've had this with my own bloody sister. When discussing the fact that I can't have children (a topic brought up by my sister, I never bring it up because it makes people so uncomfortable) she cried, said how great a Mum I'd be, how sad it made her, and I ended up rubbing her back while she sobbed into my shoulder. And minimising my own pain and saying, no it's fine, no we're not too upset, oh think of all the freedom we'll have.

Which is absolute nonsense, we have several family members who are very dependant on us, so very little freedom. The only break we've managed this year was two nights an hour from where we live, so we could get back quickly if necessary. So all the 'I'd be so jealous of their freedom' posters can fuck off. Freedom my arse. Yeah I'm feeling a bit cross.

And for the poster who said "I'd congratulate them". Please don't ever do this. Why the fuck would you?

what a strange post.
especially this Do you think that a woman could perhaps be able to sense that another person wonders why? Might that very sense, make a woman "feel" judged. . Well, maybe, maybe not. What's the point of thinking that way?

Plus the OP has taken the one or two responses from people who say they have been questioned, to say 'look, it happens'.

Like most people, I think it's none of my business. I would like the OP to come back and tell us her thinking behind it.

I find the term family odd in this situation.

When I started my current job I went for lunch with some new colleagues and they asked if I had family. They meant children but even if I didn't I still have a family.

Why just the woman? It takes two to have a baby you know.

My DH never reported being told he doesn't know what real love is and being asked "but who will take care of you when you are old?". I once even got "but what if you split up you will be alone"...

There is normal asking, especially since his culture is quite family oriented and most his mates have children, if not all actually, and then there is the above only I got🙄

It is mainly women problem with being judged for any and all decisions we make about our egg use🤷🏻

No. I judge people who have kids and then neglect them.
I am related to two women who both had kids without actually wanting them. One to get her DH to stop working abroad. The other one because she had gotten married and it was expected. But it was obvious that neither of them didn't actually like kids. All of the resulting kids are damaged emotionally.

E and don't even wonder about it. I'm not that interested in random people. Also know plenty of women without children so its perfectly normal to me. I've never viewed motherhood as an automatic or key part of women's lives.

I'd wonder but wouldn't ask. Most people I know who are childfree by choice are fairly vocal about it. And to be honest I feel solid respect for those choosing that way as it shows self-knowledge and self-confidence, and it is of course better for the environment to not have kids. They in return seem fine with my choice to have kids. I have lovely friends and family!

I always really wanted kids so have them and I feel very lucky that we had no major problems with conceiving/pregnancy.

A. I'd assume that they didn't want children or couldn't have them. I doubt I'd give it much thought tbh.

Nope. Don't judge at all.

I may secretly admire them.

The ones I know look fab for their age and live great full lives.

A dear friend of mines daughter is going through a difficult pregnancy which suddenly became very complicated and she is stressed out of her mind over it.

There is no end to the worry when you have children and I am only half way there and feel increasingly exhausted by it all.

Having 4 children relatively late in life is not something I would recommend, no matter how much you will adore them.

I'm childfree by choice. No-one ever asks me about kids, I assume out of concern that my childfree life is not by choice. I don't think I am super vocal about my choice, but I am happy to talk about it, primarily to signal I am not upset or traumatised by my lack of children and that people do not have to tiptoe around the subject out of fear of causing upset. I have a few colleagues who are also childfree by choice and I appreciate that they talked openly about their choice when I was younger, it helped normalise it for me.

Oh and as a married woman without kids of course I don't judge others in the same situation. I do sometimes wonder if others are childfree by choice or not, but I'd never ask.

That is awful, I’m so sorry.

I’m childfree and have been for a long time, but then became infertile after a lifesaving total hysterectomy. One of my colleagues at the time got herself into a total state about it, initially asking if I’d already had kids, then realising that meant I’d never have them, and before I could stop her she started crying and saying if it was a choice between death and her kids she’d rather die.

I distinctly remember just thinking, this woman is pranking me. This isn’t happening. I said that this was totally inappropriate and I’d like to talk about something else, and then two OTHER colleagues turned around and said her reaction was entirely understandable for a mother, and started comforting her!

I don’t work there anymore, thank God. This is an extreme example but people are really, really inappropriate about this. This thread is not a reflection of real life at all!

Actually now that I think about it I don’t mind being asked. It’s all the ‘but but, what about’ that comes after my no.

I’ll never have a good enough answer for the judgey ones and so have started asking back why did you have kids. It’s only been twice mind, but one answer was well that’s what people do and the second was a similar answer but more due to her age (late 30’s).

None of my damned business. No, I don't 'judge'. As for going as far as to ask, that would take a special kind of insensitive idiot.

Is it society's place judge the married men without children too? Or is it (as ever) just women who come in for this unenviable lot?

Hit 'enter' too soon.

We struggled for a decade to have our one child. Infertility is truly painful, repeated miscarriages agonizing - each one being worse than the last as it represents more and more lost hopes. If others don't have children it might be wholly their choice, or they might be desperate for a family and unable to have one. If so, I know how that feels as I was very likely to end up one of them.

I never ask if someone has children: man or woman. If they replied 'no' it would be a bit of a conversation staller, and pressing further by asking why is just unthinkable.

I don’t really think anything about it! Same as for married men without kids.

If I know them well it might end up being relevant to a conversation etc but otherwise it’s nothing to do with me.