Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

[oxymomon]

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

There's wrote a few women in my career who don't have children

We are cfbc and never asked, I’m very open in conversations and very blunt and straight to the point so people are probably scared of me 😆

on the other side of the coin I definitely judge some people who have children, I know a couple of people in my wider circle that couldn’t look after themselves and then got pregnant! 😱 ( social services are now luckily involved) so it definitely works both ways

A - I’d assume there was some reason like: chose not to, tried to but had fertility issues, planning to have them in the future but I wouldn’t judge or ask because it’s none of my business and it makes no difference to me either way. I wouldn’t ask anyone apart from a very close friend or family member anything about this.

I'll be honest. I do wonder why they don't have children and if I know they can't for whatever reason I feel very sorry for them. I think there are few things more painful than not being able to have a child when you want one.

I think it's crazy to judge anyone negatively for not having children. You aren't doing anyone any fever by having children. We all have children for purely selfish reasons so it's nothing to be proud of (though having my kids is something I'm very happy about and very grateful for).

E- I have no opinion... probably because that's me. 20yrs with DP, house, professional jobs, no kids (mixed reasons tbh)

Can confirm I have had everything from A to E.

• told its selfish
• told I don't know what real love is
• told I live a life of Riley *asked why & what's wrong with me.
• left out of social events, and excluded from conversations.

SiL even tried to get DP disinherited so everything went to her children.

In our circle, we are close to 2 other couples that are CF, one by choice, one due to chronic illness.

This is depressing. I am one of those women and until this thread I had never realised that everyone I meet is apparently wondering why I don’t have kids!

E.
i was in a LTR for nearly a decade, living as married before we had our daughter. three years of that was having a lovely time and 5 years of that was miscarrying heartbreak trying etc

i might wonder if they're ok. Because I had a rough ride and I'm probably projecting But no judgement

E. Because I have been married for quite a while and we don’t have children. I think I’ve been asked once if I was planning on having any, once why I didn’t have any, and I was told this summer that I should have one (I was making a fuss of a baby and a passing acquaintance decided this was enough to judge that I’d be a good parent). Other than that, I’ve been left alone.

Strangely enough, my DH gets asked on a regular basis when he’ll be having kids and when he says he doesn’t want any, he’s met with real surprise and they either don’t believe him or seem almost annoyed with him. To be fair, he is brilliant with children and is the ‘fun uncle’ they all flock to, but he’s a far bigger fan of being able to hand them back to their parents when he’s tired and fancies a nap.

My close friends are married without children. I have vaguely wondered once whether they want children in the future/have tried but been unable, but it was nothing more than a passing though due to a relevant conversation we were having and I wouldn’t ask or say it out loud.

E - just figure it's absolutely none of my business and if they wanted me to know about it they'd tell me themselves.

My point is I would never, ever do this. But the OP seems to be implying that I can't even have a fleeting thought/ wonder if it's choice or infertility because even then a woman will feel judged when I DON'T verbalise it. Fuck that- i can't control thoughts, nor am I going to.

I say this with the background of a sister with infertility and 2 close family members choosing not to have children.

I think if you have struggled with infertility, as I have and remain childless, it is natural to wonder if they are in the same situation as you are, as infertility can be very lonely.

Surely the two go hand in hand though? Like are you not being nosey because you are having some thoughts on the matter? I remember going to a wedding a week after we got married and the two of us being interrogated by the women we were sitting with who we had never met before about when we would have children and had we started trying etc etc etc and at that point we'd only been married a week so we hadnt decided yet but it was super uncomfortable. The thing that really surprised me was that two of the girls asking had really struggled ttc so I wouldn't have expected that from them. I definitely felt judged even if they were just "being nosey"

I’m reading the comments and thinking the same!

OP although this is an anonymous forum you won’t get a lot admitting to being judgemental.

Trust me they are out there, I’ve experienced it and heard it all.

These are some of the things that have been said to me by strangers, friends, family (never to my husband though)
“Oh really no kids, why not? Don’t you think that’s selfish? What is wrong with you? We are women, women are meant to be mothers. Your parents must be so disappointed. I thought like you once, but as soon as I held my baby, my life had meaning and purpose”

Good to know how people think.

Are people really this small minded and prurient?

Depending on the circumstances, I am more likely to judge women with kids then those without and I have a child. Married women without kids, couldn’t care less.

If someone is judgemental of a woman that doesn't have children they need to take a long hard look at themselves. Having children is not the only life option. And are you also judging the men?

What even is there to judge?

I don’t think anything because like 99% of the population I am self absorbed, so my brain is fully engaged with thinking about me and my life.

Absolutely no judgement or even internal wonderings on it.
From my best friends from school I’m the only one with a child. My work circle of friends is 50:50, as is my wider circle of friends I’ve met through life.

I didn’t have my DS until 38, so was subject to the questions. At the time of asking I was on the fence about having kids and my life could have gone either way, so didn’t really know how to answer. I didn’t take it as judgement though, just people’s curiosity in wanting to get to know more about people.

No they don't 😐

No judgement on my side, and I would never ask. In fact, I have high respect for women and men who have decided not to have children because they know that kind of life is not for them. I judge people who had children and never should have had them in first place, my parents first.

It's enough to go on threads asking why someone chose not to have kids.
The best is the question "erm but who will take care of you when old?" On a site full on NC with parents 😂😂😂

The people who have asked me 'when are you going to have a baby?' or 'when are you going to have another baby?' have usually, to my knowledge, never had any trouble conceiving & /or haven't had a MC. They are tone deaf when it comes to this sort of stuff.

When people were asking if I was going to go for a third DC I just said 'No because I don't want to have a 5th MC' that soon shut them up.

I started a new job in 2021, where I work closely with around 30 staff, depending on day/shift.

20 women and 10 men.

Of these, all the women asked me if I had children. Only 1 man asked.

Each time I had to explain that I wanted children but medically, I can't. Because I sadly couldn't just say 'mind your own!' To colleagues. And then I'd get an onslaught of their anecdotes about fertility, always ending with 'you could always adopt!' Like adopting a poor, traumatised child is an easy solution for my infertility. It's not.

By the last woman, I had lost all my barriers and I just sobbed. I looked a right mess.

The question 'so, do you have kids?' is so heavily loaded with pain, and then THEY have the nerve to be uncomfortable and you end up reassuring them!

Strangely enough the one guy that asked apologised profusely, and said he shouldn't have asked and would never ask anyone again.

It's really not an acceptable question to ask, please don't ask! If someone has kids you'll gather that anyway as you get to know someone, as they'll bring their kids up in conversation.

And yes, 100% everyone judges, you can SEE them thinking 'I wonder why...'