Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

[oxymomon]

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

Do you think that the childless woman might sense you having a little "I wonder why?" thought to yourself? Even if it's all in your head, do you think they might notice your body language while you are wondering, and feel judged?

That reminds of something a very successful and confident friend once said which really stuck: “I love my 3 children but being a mother is the least interesting thing about me”.

None of my business, would never ask or judge.

The only reason I sometimes wonder 'why' is not because it matters to me whether they have kids, but if I suspect it's not by choice and might be painful, I'm more conscious of talking about my own kids.

Great point!

Nobody will admit to this on here but clearly people do because childless women like me experience is. I’ve been asked why I don’t have kids SO MANY times. We’re still very child-centric as a society.

Is thinking that it's relatively unusual, and wondering why judging?

I only wonder because more people do seem to have children, which makes me wonder if it’s by choice or circumstance. Have they ever felt I like I was judging them? I’ll never know, I would hope not. I don’t think we’ve had a conversation which would make it seem like I was curious though. I have wondered why people have had children before, yes. In fact in my 20s I thought I didn’t want kids and questioned why anyone would!

I might give it a passing thought but that’s only because I personally have kids and so it’s my “normal” I guess.

i had them late though so I spent many years not wondering about it all because being childfree was my normal at that point.

My passing thought might be like
“Oh Jane and Bob have been together a long time, I wonder if they’ll have kids one day”. But that would be the extent of it.

Definitely no judgment, I mean what is there to judge? Having kids doesn’t make you better? Judgement is usually based on the default of believing one thing is better / worse than the other. I don’t think people with kids are better therefore judgment doesn’t come into it

as a married woman without kids (very much not be choice, but now content with life as much as i can) I have started to notice how many people like me there are.

20% of women reach the end of their fertile
years without having children. When I was going through the horror of infertility, I felt alone but i now notice these women at work in similar situations to me.

I don't know the ins and outs of their stories, but all of us have one thing in common, someone somewhere has asked why when we bearly know them. so am glad to see so many people being firm that they would not ask.

I wonder if it would seem so odd if people knew 1 in 5 women are childless/childfree? We tend not to be represented in the media and if we are, it will be a negative stereotype

I suppose I’d wonder if they’d wanted to have children and hadn’t been able to do so - so, at the margins , I might slightly temper my conversation if my own kids ever came up as a talking point in case it was a sensitive issue. But I’d never, ever ask - it’s unconscionably rude to do that.

Well, having had 12 miscarriages, 4 rounds of IVF and being childless myself, I would never judge anyone for being childless or childfree. I know only too well how they could be desperately sad to be childless. I also know that (and am slightly envious of) those who are very happy to be childfree. Either way, unless someone wants to talk about it tbh it’s none of my business.

I do judge people with dozens of kids though, mainly from an environmental perspective.

I'd wonder why but I'd never ask. None of my business plus I don't care.

I'm so sorry that you were asked. That is so intrusive. A few posters have been outraged that B was an option. But, as you've shown, some overly curious and insensitive people do ask...

Honestly, OP, I think when I was younger, I wondered why (in my head) because my personal starting point was that I knew I was maternal and I wanted children for many years. So I was simply curious about other women's POV, that's one. Two, my DM went through a stillbirth and miscarriages and my thoughts were revolving around offering support if this was the reason as the cause was close to my heart. When I went through baby loss repeatedly myself in my 30s and spoke about it openly, it came as a shock to me how many women were struggling in the same way and I then understood that this really isn't something that I ought to wonder about at all. I am still open about baby loss and generally listening to other women's views on everything, not just having/not having children and that's about it. Totally non-judgmental and offering support if they went through similar things to me and thy share it with me.

For the record, I am well aware if I hadn't been maternal I'd be richer and I'd have lots more freedom, investment in personal development and treats just for myself. I totally respect women who make that choice and I miss that life sometimes. However, I know I've made the right decision for me and I was finally lucky enough to have my son.

Same as this. I'd be quietly in awe of their freedom !

It wouldn't even cross my mind.

This is just awful. As a woman who is childless not by choice after many rounds of unsuccessful IVF, l would be devastated to think people are judging me. Not everybody can have children, for a whole variety of reasons. These women deserve society's understanding and compassion, not judgement and prejudice.

I don't give it a thought. Why would I?
Presumably they either don't want children or can't have them, why on earth would that be any of my business at all?

This is me
I’d wonder

But I’d never judge or ask!

Ha! Try telling older women to not be nosy. 😂

I'm nearly 40 and do not have children and I've had numerous women - usually over 60 - ask me why, often with a pitying look/raised eyebrows, and sometimes accusingly!

Honestly I think I've been asked at least 20 times, always by older women, often at weddings/funerals/extended family parties.

I think nothing - why would I?

E.

I admit I have sometimes wondered why- but if I become frei ds with someone then either they share the information or not. I'd never ask or spend much time wondering.

I got judged at 29 with no children after I split with my 1st husband as because I was nearly 30 I was now far too old to have children. They didn't know we'd tried unsuccessfully for 6 years and I was told I wasn't ovulating etc.

I am now with my 2nd dh and we have 2 dc. Which I had at 32 and 36! Plus 2 other pregnancies which weren't successful for different reasons. So clearly it was exdh was the problem. But of course he wasn't judged for being 29 and childless (at the time) because he was man.

Hear hear!

Google Jody Day and Gateway Women for further info and support.

E. Wouldn't even give it a thought because choice.