Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

[oxymomon]

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

Lots of people seem to be saying they don't wonder or judge. But there are definitely lots of people out there who do. Fuck knows I get asked about it enough by strangers, colleagues. Why do people make it their business or be so rude as to ask?

Depending on how old I might wonder if they were having fertility problems or simply not choosing to become parents.

Most couples I know were married a decent amount of time before having babies so I would actually find a quick announcement of a baby after marriage more worthy of a moment of contemplation over what had happened, as in did they actually intend to have a baby that soon or did they just decide to go forward when it happened unintentionally.

E
It is none of my business why they don't have kids. I don't even care about it.

Genuinely, no judgement at all. I would never ask a long-married woman why she didn't have kids because it's overwhelmingly likely it's one of two answers: A) She and husband can't have kids or B) They don't want kids. If they want to tell you it's either of those, they will - if they don't, you have no business asking.

I've been wrong about this once when we went to visit two old school friends of mine who'd married just after uni and had no kids despite being married for over a decade. I assumed it was because of one of the above so I didn't ask. As it happened, they were thinking about having kids and they told me later than seeing us with our young kids and seeming pretty relaxed helped convince them to go for it.

I probably wouldn’t even wonder tbh. It’s not like it was decades ago when people getting married then starting a family right away was the norm. I know several couples who married in their 30s/ 40s with no intention of having kids. Once a relative’s friend at a party put me and my dp on the spot and asked were we planning on having kids. That’s the only time that happened and it was really awkward. A few people have asked do we want a second baby/ when are we going to have another. It’s rude and nosey. Grown adults should be able to control the impulse to ask these things even if they do wonder.

None of the above ,
a close friend suffers from infertility , I’ve seen her get hurt by nosey people . I wouldn’t want to cause anyone such pain, not even my worst enemy.

"Do you have children?" is a question i think should be banned from conversations.

Do you think that the childless woman might sense you having a little "I wonder why?" thought to yourself? Even if it's all in your head, do you think they might notice your body language while you are wondering, and feel judged?

@oxymomon do you not think women without children ever wonder things about mothers??

Wouldn't judge, but as someone who struggled with infertility, I would make a mental note to tread carefully when talking about my children, so as not to cause any unintentional hurt.

Otherwise, I am not particularly interested in other people's life choices.

Really bizarre question. Why would you judge someone on being childless, briefly wonder if it was a choice or not, yes probably. Judge or ask, never.

I love how many people claim not to judge people. Yeah right!

In all honesty, I would you probably assume they either had trouble conceiving or didn't want kids.

Great reply. Sad that you had to tell them that it was none of their business

I tend to congratulate her

I tend to assume if a married couple don't have children, it's by choice. Reading through here though, I'm realising that's no better than any of the other assumptions one can make, as maybe they'd love to have children and can't for whatever reason.
It would never occur to me to ask them about it though, it's not something I've got any need or right to know, unless they were a close friend and they brought up the topic.

I don't think anything, their life is none of my business.

I like the outrage at the idea someone might judge childfree women😂 Like if that's not common thing.

Ffs you can't police wondering!

(F) you think they are doing what they wat to do and fuck off?

Agree

I sometimes feel like the only childfree woman who doesn’t get asked stuff like this.

I could count on one hand the amount of times someone asked about not having children (and in practically all instances it was close friends and a comfortable topic of conversation).

I do, however, get an inordinate amount of women who, when they hear I don’t have children, lower their voices and tell me they wish they’d never had theirs. They make it sound like it’s such a rare thing that they can’t even say it aloud.

Thank you for your honesty. I am sorry that you have been asked so many times. Maybe people reading this will realise that it can come across as judgmental to ask such an intrusive question. A controversial post, sure. But perhaps a way to highight that option B (asking why) happens far too frequently, and that it's hurtful...

E - No, I definitely wouldn't judge anyone without kids. Why would I?

It's interesting that many of the childfree married women responding to this have experienced either option B (asking why), or option C (feeling judged), but so many others responding are shocked that those options were there. Let's hope social norms change, and the world becomes more accepting in time. As the saying goes: "you be you"!

Yeah, don’t do that, that’s just weird.

I assume that they have chosen not to have children (because not everyone wants them!), that they have not met someone to have children with, or that they are struggling with infertility. I write this as someone who struggled with infertility......had I not have done I'm not sure I'd even really have thought about it.

Not any of my business though and I'd never, ever ask anyone to justify why they don't have children or judge anyone for not wanting/being able to have them.