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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

309 replies

oxymomon · 09/11/2022 21:24

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

OP posts:
Hoolihan · 09/11/2022 21:34

Wouldn't ask or judge but I would notice and wonder why, because it's relatively unusual.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/11/2022 21:35

E
im aware some people don’t want children and some people can’t have children.
i also Don’t judge unmarried couples who have children

AffIt · 09/11/2022 21:35

I'm not married, but I have been with the OH for 20 years. We're also childfree by choice.

Obviously we don't wear rings or anything, but I'm fairly certain that some of our 'circle' (colleagues, neighbours etc) would assume that we're married (sunk cost fallacy and all that).

I'm now feeling a bit 'gak' that, on the basis of this post, some of these people are weirdly judging us or feeling sorry for us?

Just leave people alone. CFBC don't care and will think you're a dick, childless people might care and will probably also think you're a dick.

Lentilweaver · 09/11/2022 21:35

F. I immediately want to be their friend because I am sick of talking about children after years of parenting. The same goes for unmarried women without children, of course. Many of my closest friends are child free.

Never ever B.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 09/11/2022 21:35

I would never ask. What's the point? It's their private business, could be painful, and I'm not that interested in other people's choices about dch, tbh. They either 1) wanted them but it didn't happen, or 2) didn't want them. It makes no odds to me so I just accept that some people don't have dch.

Changingplace · 09/11/2022 21:35

What about a married man with no kids OP? Would you ‘judge’ him or just the women?

What an utterly bizarre concept, judge them on what? Their ability or not to reproduce? Their reasons (or not) for that?

Your post makes very little sense whatsoever.

PonyPatter44 · 09/11/2022 21:36

I'd definitely wonder, but only in private - its really none of my business, and I certainly wouldn't judge them!

The ones I really wonder about, though, are married/partnered childless women who don't work. Again, I'd never ask but it does seem odd to me.

GoAgainstNicki · 09/11/2022 21:36

I literally couldn’t give a fuck

incognitocheeto · 09/11/2022 21:36

E

CrookCrane · 09/11/2022 21:36

Differentaround · 09/11/2022 21:28

If I’m honest, I do wonder ‘in my head’ why they don’t have children and do wonder if it’s infertility or choice, but this is all in my head and would NEVER ask

Me too.

Orangebadger · 09/11/2022 21:36

I would probably assume, or hope that they chose not to have children as I know lots of married couples who made that choice. However I know a few who are childless not by choice. I would not ask though and I would pretty quickly park it away in my head. There's more to life and people than kids.

GettingStuffed · 09/11/2022 21:37

None of the above, it's none of my beeswax, my sister has been married twice and never wanted children, she's terrified of babies.

Clarinet1 · 09/11/2022 21:37

E. My closest friend has been married for over 30 years and does not have children but I wouldn’t dream of asking why. If someone cannot physically have children I would not want to stir up quite likely painful feelings. If someone chooses not to have children, then
they have a right to make that decision and, goodness knows, there are too many deprived, unwanted or neglected children in the world already so it’s good if someone who doesn’t want children doesn’t add to the number. If there is something wrong between the couple, the same thing might apply about painful feelings and why should I, an outsider, expect to know the situation? For similar reasons, I would not judge.

Original poster
oxymomon · 09/11/2022 21:37

I appreciate the honesty in these responses. It's heartwarming to hear that most don't feel they judge. But many have admitted they would wonder why, but wouldn't ask. Do you think that a woman could perhaps be able to sense that another person wonders why? Might that very sense, make a woman "feel" judged. After all, why would you wonder why? As one poster said, would you ever wonder why a married woman DID have children?

OP posts:
NoDoor · 09/11/2022 21:38

Who the fuck does B!
You can wonder in your head maybe if they’ve tried and failed ivf or happy, but you don’t ask FFS.

BeLikeElsa · 09/11/2022 21:39

So weird that you wander around wondering about the sex lives of women you see.

Charcy · 09/11/2022 21:39

What do YOU think OP?

Currently with my child wailing in my ear, I'd think "you sensible folk" but I genuinely wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

But I also don't judge people who rent instead of buy, or what they do for a living etc.

TiredButAlive · 09/11/2022 21:40

Why is it any of my business?

AngelDelightUK · 09/11/2022 21:40

As someone who was married and had no children, it was incredibly hurtful and upsetting if anyone asked why. Plus nosey. Not everyone is in a situation to have children, or can have them. I was even asked once if I had a problem with my ovaries!!!!!!

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/11/2022 21:41

E

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 09/11/2022 21:41

Hoolihan · 09/11/2022 21:34

Wouldn't ask or judge but I would notice and wonder why, because it's relatively unusual.

Not that unusual. In my gang of eight women friends, all are married, four don't have dch and four do. I know one couple tried IVF. This would've been a few years ago though. Maybe it's more successful these days.

Notanotherusername4321 · 09/11/2022 21:41

Wha? Seriously no one thinks like this

oh they do.

people will ask outright when you’re having kids, and often make comments like “you’d better get started, you’re not getting any younger”.

the assumption is that all women want kids- not men, for pp, for some reason men aren’t expected to have that same biological nurture gene

for me, honestly I don’t know. It may cross my mind in passing, and I may possibly give them a silent cheer for their choice, or a moments sympathy if it wasn’t. But I’d never say anything out loud, or do more than have that fleeting thought.

Intransigentcat · 09/11/2022 21:41

This feels a bit goady and the whole do you think women can sense if someone is wondering why they've got no kids feels like you're really reaching......

AffIt · 09/11/2022 21:42

@oxymomon

As one poster said, would you ever wonder why a married woman DID have children?

If you're asking for honesty, then yes: I will admit there have been times when I, as a CFRBC woman, have met people (mostly women, a couple of men) who are clearly so incredibly unhappy with their heteronormative / married / 2.4 kids lives that I have genuinely wondered why they chose that path.

I suppose social conditioning is a hell of a drug for many.

sunflowerandivy · 09/11/2022 21:42

All I feel is jealousy. I'm married (happily) e we two young children and I'm exhausted and have done absolutely no self care for 4 years. My mate is childless and married and is so beautiful, well rested, exercises a lot, goes on lovely holidays and has so much freedom. Sigh

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