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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

263 replies

Londonaries · 09/11/2022 19:01

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

OP posts:
MichaelFabricantWig · 09/11/2022 22:53

Peashoots · 09/11/2022 19:05

Unless you’re very ill with covid I don’t see the issue. It’s one night.

This

I went out to a work night out around the same stage after having my youngest and left the husband with him and my then 2 year old

GreenTeaPingPong · 09/11/2022 22:58

DenholmElliot11 · 09/11/2022 19:09

Let him have a night out. It's really good for your mental health to get out and socialise with friends. Have you thought about having a night out with a friend? Obviously I know you can't if you're breastfeeding.

OP's baby is 3 WEEKS OLD! Of course she isn't planning nights out, she's probably just about managing to shower and get dressed. For a parenting website, there's an odd lack of empathy for a mother of a very new tiny baby, still recovering from birth AND Covid.

Jetsil · 09/11/2022 23:01

Yanbu

Ivyonafence · 10/11/2022 00:06

I think it's a bit shit the way so many people think the test is whether a new mum can 'manage' or 'cope'.

Is that all men want for their partners who have just given birth and who they supposedly love?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/11/2022 00:12

I think what with everyone having been unwell, and you still not feeling well, he needs to rally round, and prioritise getting you as much rest as possible. In practice this means not going out with friends until you’re properly better.

I assume that when he was still feeling unwell with Covid, you didn’t go out and leave him at home with the baby? In fact, I’d be willing to bet he got total rest to feel better?

What with the baby also having been ill and in hospital, it does sound like now is the time for him to prioritise you and what you need.

USaYwHatNow · 10/11/2022 00:33

Ummm I wouldn't be particularly pleased op. I was still recovering from the absolute shit storm that was pre eclampsia then. If he had wanted to go out I wouldn't have had an issue. In fact, he was invited to a work do (military) but off his own back decided not to go. Even now (10 weeks old) if he thinks we've had a rubbish night with the baby, or sees I'm knackered then he'll step up and step in because he WANTS to. One night out isn't unreasonable but maybe a slightly early finish and maybe a couple of beers limit could be a good compromise?

Appleblum · 10/11/2022 00:59

As a one off it's ok.

FindingMeno · 10/11/2022 02:59

If my dh had said he was doing that, given the circumstances, I would have gone ballistic.
No bloody way.

somethingslastforever · 10/11/2022 04:15

@kirinm what about single mums? Mums who's husbands are in the armed forces or whose jobs leave them away for weeks at a time? It's one night. Catch a grip.

I by no means had an easy recovery or an easy new born but didn't expect DH to sit holding my hand 24/7 or anyone else for that matter

Krabapple · 10/11/2022 04:26

Op - it’s the wrong place to post this given you are feeling fragile. No one is right or wrong and people are so harsh With dd1 I was a single parent & she was honestly a doddle. I could easily cope.
dd2 whole different story - horrible c section recovery, could barely pick her up and relied on dh a lot. I had a bit of a meltdown with him when he suggested something similar. Ds has a child & they did everything together for a good free weeks. I can’t even imagine he would have wanted to do this. He fits go out regularly note though

Mangogogogo · 10/11/2022 07:38

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kirinm · 10/11/2022 07:39

somethingslastforever · 10/11/2022 04:15

@kirinm what about single mums? Mums who's husbands are in the armed forces or whose jobs leave them away for weeks at a time? It's one night. Catch a grip.

I by no means had an easy recovery or an easy new born but didn't expect DH to sit holding my hand 24/7 or anyone else for that matter

So by your logic because there are people in the world who don't have partners with them, nobody should be allowed to complain about not wanting to be left alone with a small baby when they're recovering from covid?

Have people on this website had a fucking empathy bypass. Jesus Christ.

kirinm · 10/11/2022 07:42

Gemstar2 · 09/11/2022 22:13

I’m really surprised at the vote saying you’re unreasonable and how many responses you’ve had saying babies this age are really easy to care for, when that is obviously really dependent on the circumstances and every baby is different!

At 4 weeks, there are all sorts of post-birth issues you could still be struggling with, feeding may still be difficult, and not every 4 week old just sleeps a lot (mine def didn’t) plus you’re recovering from covid! I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go on this occasion and to stay in to support you if you don’t feel able to cope without him….but only you can make that call given your own circumstances and feelings!

Of course in the longer term it’s healthy to carve out time for both of you to see friends, have hobbies etc but you’re still very early days, so please don’t feel bad for voicing your needs at the moment.

Also at 4 weeks, colic will have just reared it's frankly horrendous head. My DD's colic started at 3.5 weeks and didn't stop until she was nearly 10 weeks.

somethingslastforever · 10/11/2022 07:58

@kirinm I don't feel there's a need for empathy and I'm sure many others will agree. I've been in OP's situation, including with covid only my LO was 8 weeks old and had absolutely horrendous reflux to go along with it. Didn't come and whinge on the internet about my DH.

Bottom line is OP is coming across as unreasonable, expecting her husband to not have a social life because they've had a baby. If her DH posted the same thing he'd have a completely different response for suggesting she stay at home or asking when he should 'ease up' on her having a social life.

Doingmybest12 · 10/11/2022 08:06

Wow I hope OP is not reading all of this. We have no idea about how she is feeling really just a clumsily worded post about how she feels about husband going out. It is a vulnerable time and I am surprised by the strength of the responses.

kirinm · 10/11/2022 08:06

somethingslastforever · 10/11/2022 07:58

@kirinm I don't feel there's a need for empathy and I'm sure many others will agree. I've been in OP's situation, including with covid only my LO was 8 weeks old and had absolutely horrendous reflux to go along with it. Didn't come and whinge on the internet about my DH.

Bottom line is OP is coming across as unreasonable, expecting her husband to not have a social life because they've had a baby. If her DH posted the same thing he'd have a completely different response for suggesting she stay at home or asking when he should 'ease up' on her having a social life.

Your post is just unnecessarily unkind and there's also a big difference between a 4 week old and an 8 week old.

Cherry8809 · 10/11/2022 08:15

SallyWD · 09/11/2022 19:34

Unless you are so ill that you can't look after the baby then he should go. Why not? It's one night. I think if husbands or wives feel restricted and that they aren't "allowed" to see friends it can breed a lot of resentment. I know, I've been there with my ex.

This

BeeDavis · 10/11/2022 08:19

Me and my husband went out for a date night when our little boy was 3 weeks old, couple of hours and we were home! Can you go out and your husband look after baby? Or are you a martyr mother?

LBFseBrom · 10/11/2022 08:23

I think it is too soon to be having a night out. There will be plenty of opportunities for that in the future, also for you, but not just yet.

toomuchlaundry · 10/11/2022 09:31

@BeeDavis I was a breastfeeding mother who couldn’t get the hang of expressing milk. Also had a baby with dairy allergy who wouldn’t drink the special formula we were given when starting weaning. Made going out and leaving the baby with someone else very difficult. Did that make me a martyr mother? It actually made life quite hard so having support from other people was vital not snipey comments like yours.

Iamclearlyamug · 10/11/2022 09:47

It's fair for him to go out occasionally provided you get the same opportunity. Can't you tell him you're going out next weekend or whenever and he'll need to look after baby?

Comedycook · 10/11/2022 09:50

BeeDavis · 10/11/2022 08:19

Me and my husband went out for a date night when our little boy was 3 weeks old, couple of hours and we were home! Can you go out and your husband look after baby? Or are you a martyr mother?

What a vile comment. A mum who doesn't want to leave her newborn is not a martyr. It's perfectly normal. It's also perfectly normal if she does want to go out.

loulouljh · 10/11/2022 10:15

I would be fine with it...would enjoy the quiet time.

ChillysWaterBottle · 10/11/2022 10:47

BeeDavis · 10/11/2022 08:19

Me and my husband went out for a date night when our little boy was 3 weeks old, couple of hours and we were home! Can you go out and your husband look after baby? Or are you a martyr mother?

That isn't what martyr mother means.

LoveBluey · 10/11/2022 11:52

Ivyonafence · 10/11/2022 00:06

I think it's a bit shit the way so many people think the test is whether a new mum can 'manage' or 'cope'.

Is that all men want for their partners who have just given birth and who they supposedly love?

Absolutely this. Yes most mums can cope if they have to. If they don't have a partner or they have to work away etc etc. You do what you have to do but this isn't the case here.

The husband could choose to stay home and support their poorly wife and newborn. At this stage it could be more about emotional support and company rather than actual practical support. Not everyone sails through the newborn stage and some people need to remember there is a real person asking this question. If a friend said this to you in person would you respond exactly this way or would you show more compassion?