AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

[Londonaries]

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

I would have struggled with this to be honest. I had a bad birth, was in a lot of pain still and struggling with severe anaemia, and a baby who wouldn't sleep anywhere but me or my husband and woke up every other hour. The euphoria is wearing off and the tiredness is starting to kick in, and the newborn sleepiness was starting to wear off and was being replaced by colic and hours of cluster breastfeeding (not helped by tongue tie).

We had to take it in turns to walk around with a sreaming baby (was the only way they would stop crying from about 7pm - 10pm) and then take turns sleeping in shifts because the baby woke up as soon as we put them down and thought they were too little to co sleep.

I would actually have panicked and struggled on my own for a night, I'd have managed but I would rather have not. And as I was breastfeeding I couldn't really have more time the next / previous night to catch up on sleep. It also depends on how much use he would be the next day, does he normally get bad hangovers?

If I'd had a good birth and an easy and bottle fed baby and was in a good place mentally then it would have been a different story

Because if one adult has had 9 months of intense physical stress, immense hormonal upheaval, and has now not slept more than a few hours a night for a long time, she might not have the physical or mental energy to sit up for long periods. Also, from what I remember, at that stage the baby screams if you put it down and it is therefore very difficult to go to the loo, get food, eat, etc., all of which are pretty essential. Having another adult means being able to get to the toilet, eat something or even lie down for a short while.

Nobody has an issue with people saying they were fine with their OHs going out when they had newborns. Everyone is different. The issue is with the faux ‘cannot possibly understand why you wouldn’t want your OH to go out, I was climbing mountains with my two week old’. Some people find having newborns REALLY FUCKING HARD. It isn’t that hard to comprehend.

If someone said they were struggling with work and needed their husband’s support, you wouldn’t respond with ‘why? My work is super easy!’

As for the ‘controlling’ comments. Behave. This is a new, vulnerable mum. Don’t be a wanker.

Same here. My dh was so very hands on and tbh he would have immediately turned down any nights out as he was exhausted himself. Yanbu op, seems like his priorities are wrong.

"The trap many parents fall into is ceasing their social life once kids come along.

You should both be enjoying time with friends as well as time together.

One day these lovely squishy newborns become adults and you need to have a life of your own so you aren't lonely."

I totally agree but a handful of weeks after the birth when you're still mentally and physically recovering, and with covid, is very early. Most good friendships survive with being pared back for the first few months with a newborn

I think this thread shows that we need to normalise the massive range and variance there is in postpartum experiences. No one's experience is universal: for some people it's relatively easy and they've bounced back, and for others it's the toughest thing they've ever done and are struggling. So where you fall on that spectrum will colour how you feel about the prospect of your partner leaving you and baby for a few hours. There's no right answer in general, just the answer that's right for you.

Get a grip, it's one night.

I would have no problem with that. Order yourself a takeaway or buy something easy/shove in the oven to cook. Cuddle and feed the baby all evening.
I would have a discussion with DH about your expectations of help the next morning and the amount he will drink so there is no argument after if he gets steaming drunk and you expected him to come home sober and be up the next morning. Doesn’t matter what you decide together but be on the same page.

Nasty, vicious and disturbing.

Fucking nasty comment tbh

My DP was back to working shifts including nights after 2 weeks paternity leave and I coped fine. LO fed often but they sleep a lot at that age. Calling us cool wives because we're less uptight than you lot is just funny 😄

I can’t believe all the smug and/or cruel remarks aimed at a new and unwell mum. Fucking evil some of you.

OP I have no idea why most of the comments imply you are being difficult. I am all for my husband going out whenever the opportunity arises etc. But 4 weeks postpartum? I was still bleeding and swollen. That's no time in regards to how fresh a baby is. My husband wouldn't dream of leaving me by myself. Could I do it? Of course. Would it be way easier to manage emotionally and physically just after having covid with a bloody newborn if we sacrificed his nights out for a few more weeks? Absolutely.

I think it's pretty selfish to be honest. But then again, half the people making these comments are probably the same ones commenting on that 2010 thread earlier saying "just make your DH a sandwich it only takes a few mins! The poor guys at work all day!!!".

So long as you give each other time to socialise normally, I think feeling stung that he wants to go out at this crappy time is not unreasonable.

😴. It's not uptight to want to feel supported. It's not bloody work though is it, it's going out to get pissed after having recovered from covid with newborn.

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

this is a really unpleasant statement, I hope it’s tiredness and illness talking and you’re not like this normally; I can’t comprehend why you’d write something like that and it was gender reversed you’d be having your arse handed to you now.

for me, I was totally fine with my husband going out, we all need a break. The timing is fine. Being a parent is not some form of jail time.

however you also should get time out when you wish it. To do what you wish, alone or with friends if you habe any. The trick to a successful marriage is working together and caring for one another. It’s not acting like your partners jailer kicking off about occasional leisure time. Well not if you want to stay married.

It’s true though isn’t it. Truth hurts.

Imagine if a new mum left their 4 week old baby to go out for beers and a curry, it would be judged to high heaven*

I posted before that I was out with my mates 3 weeks after Ds1 birth. His birth was difficult but I recovered quick. Was I judged? Maybe but I'm not sure who by and nor do I care.

Ds2 on the other hand was an easy birth but very clingy to me so completely different. I ended up in tears more often than not in the first 6 months with him. He was a huge shock after how easy Jordan had been.

Either way Dh was amazingly supportive with night feeds and changes and made sure I got lots of rest and down time and had time with my friends.
Maybe he is a cool dad?

Yabu. It's one night...don't see the issue

Imagine if a new mum left their 4 week old baby to go out for beers and a curry, it would be judged to high heaven

I’ve no idea who would judge that, no one I know. It’s perfectly fine for either parent to go out as long as the other cares for the child. Would you judge, is that why you’re thinking it?

I would be pissed off if I was outnumbered with children. But one baby is completely manageable on your own.

Hoppinggreen · Today 19:09
If you are well enough to look after your baby there’s no reason he can’t go out“

This. You then get a long lay in on Saturday.

Let's not pretend that mum and dads would get fair judgement on this...if my husband had wanted to go to the pub 4 weeks after our DD was born it would be seen as 'aw he's wetting the babies head' however, if I went for a bottomless brunch with the girls it would be seen as ' she's gone for a bottomless brunch and left her newborn at home' tut bad mum.

OP clearly isn't comfortable with the idea of her DH going to the pub and leaving her with their newborn at home so soon and I think she is perfectly fine to say he shouldn't go.

Yanbu!
I had an easy-ish newborn and my husband went (with my consent) to a work night out when he was 2 weeks old. It happened to coincide with an evening of intense cluster feeding, and I was so so exhausted and was in tears, every time I put the baby down he would cry immediately. I called him at midnight and begged him to come home.

Its such an emotional and exhausting time recovering from birth and in most cultures you would be looked after 100% and supported by female family members for the full first month. Plus you’ve been ill. Can’t believe the unsupportive and belittling comments here for a new mum.

People who have easy babies might say that it’s never a big deal.

As someone who had a clingy, difficult baby that nearly broke me, my answer is that if a mother says she needs the father to help and curtail his social life for a bit, then he should listen.

every baby is different. Every stage of parenting is different. The key here is communication and responding to one another’s needs.

I just knew how this thread would go as soon as I saw the OP.

Yanbu though.