AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

[Londonaries]

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

I think your DH is being incredibly selfish in going for a night out leaving you alone with a tiny baby when you are still poorly. He should stay home and take over the night feeds if possible or help out to n some other way if you are breast feeding to enable you to rest and recuperate as much as possible.

@kirinm which is why I said relatively easy, all new borns are different.

However op hasn't mentioned that baby is particularly difficult, colicky or anything like that which is where my comment came from.

Very unreasonable. Just make sure you get the same time the following week to meet a friend.

That poster said she’d “start considering her options”. I assume this means one option would be to leave him

Not sure what being a dick to a new mum struggling has to do with being a competent parent. I feel sorry for the kids of PP who seem to lack any kind of empathy and compassion.

To everyone who came on here to declare that four week old babies are 'easy' to care for - hooray for you. Your experience is not universal.

My first was not easy to care for at 4 weeks. I was exhausted, not fully recovered from birth, hormones, blood and milk everywhere and I ended up hallucinating due to lack of sleep.

Lots of people are struggling at the four week point. OP has been ill with Covid on top of recovery from birth and caring for a newborn. The baby has also been sick which has probably been stressful and overwhelming.

If she is asking about DH going out then clearly it is a big deal to her. DH should be supporting her now. It's not even a month out and they've had a rocky road.

If he stays home then maybe she can have a rest and get some sleep and recover from Covid faster.

YANBU OP, I'm sorry the cool wives are here in force.

I don’t think cool wives means what you think it means

At the end of the day it's all relative to how you are coping with a new baby.

My kids are 5 and 7 so it's easy for me to say I would be fine with it (although I still hate flying solo purely because I hate the bedtime faff!) but I do remember my husband going on a day and night away when my first was 8 weeks old and me being ok with it because it coincided with my dad staying. I don't know how I would have felt if I was alone but probably apprehensive. He was an easy baby too, looking back I can't fathom why I ever struggled but an extra child and tons of attitude later it's easy to look back on things with rose tinted glasses.

I don't think he's selfish for wanting to go but he shouldn't go if you are genuinely struggling or he could try cut it short/not get drunk so he can help in the night if you need him to and go from there.

Thin end of the wedge...

You're a grown woman who uses the term 'hon'? You're an idiot to suggest someone is an incompetent mum because she has the temerity to want her partner to be at home with her newborn.

I hope you feel better with the covid soon. I felt pretty rubbish for a good 5 days. I needed a lot of sleep.

This is such a dickhead comment.

I guess everyone is different but my husband went out when our first was only 2 weeks old. Personally I felt it was selfish as I'd had a traumatic birth (for both me and baby) and was in hospital for 10 days. I was still recovering and needed the support.

If I'd had a straight forward birth then I might have felt differently.

Op is perfectly entitled to feel it's too early, especially when she is recovering from covid.

The trap many parents fall into is ceasing their social life once kids come along.

You should both be enjoying time with friends as well as time together.

One day these lovely squishy newborns become adults and you need to have a life of your own so you aren't lonely.

I think it’s all dependant on individual circumstances. Physically at 3 weeks old, I could manage just fine. But emotionally/mentally with both my babies I was a mess. I appreciated having dh around to listen to me cry (a lot!)

YABU

let the guy out, healthy relationships exist on give and take. You give, then you can take.

I would be waving goodbye to him, and then planning my next day/evening out.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a father with a 3-week-old and a wife recovering from Covid to stay in and put off meeting up with his friend until another time.

I actually think it's selfish to go out and leave a perfectly well spouse alone with such a young infant when you've already been away all day and she probably could use a hand. Adding in the Covid, definitely selfish.

There is no one right answer to this - it depends on a number of different factors - how @Londonaries is feeling, whether the baby is settled and easy to cope with, or unsettled, whether the dh will get horrendously pissed and be useless on the following day, or will be moderate, and will give the OP a lie-in.

The bottom line, in this particular circumstance, is that if you don’t feel well enough to cope with the baby on your own all day and all evening, @Londonaries, then it would be entirely reasonable for you to tell your dh that, and to ask him to skip the evening out.

As a side note, I agree with the previous posters who have criticised the use of ‘cool wives’ to denigrate the opinions @Orangepolentacake disagreed with.

All these people saying 'it's one night, let him'

...seriously, at 4 weeks PP I was at my lowest point, I felt like I'd been split in two, I was a milking machine, sleep deprived, could barely put my own socks on and had a screaming newborn to look after too...it is absolutely selfish for him to go out for a 'night off' with his mate at this point!

Imagine if a new mum left their 4 week old baby to go out for beers and a curry, it would be judged to high heaven.

You have a newborn that should be BOTH parents priority not dad's night off while mum looks after baby, how about dad takes baby for the day while mum goes to the spa with her friends.

Also someone has put at 3 weeks old a babies needs are easily met...my baby had colic and screamed the house down for 2 hour intervals all night at this point. It's not just about looking after the baby, it's about making sure mum has support and adequate time to rest and recover from growing a human for 9 months and then pushing it out!!!

@kirinm - it was ' hun' actually.
And please point out where I have actually used the term 'incompetent'? .I didnt.
How dare you. I have taken care of my daughter completely on my own for the last ten years, which in my mind means I am a competent parent. I know how difficult it is bringing children up. I would never deem anyone incompetent, so stop twisting my words .

8 posts in and we get the shit about "cool wives" 🙄

People can have differing views, you know? I'd be fine with DH going out 4 weeks after we had a baby, just as he was fine when I went out 8 weeks after having our first. Some people are, some aren't and either are fine.

As for the OP, if he's out for a few drinks in the afternoon then he'll probably come home and fall asleep so I'd say stay out at night but don't wake us up when you get in! 🤫

Why would anyone judge a mum of a 4 week old baby for going out?

if the dad is happy to look after the baby, the baby takes a bottle and the mum wants a break who on earth would judge her?

@MrsJBaptiste You put this so much more eloquently than i do! But yes i agree, as many others do on here.

I left my 4 week old for a hen weekend. Not just a beer and curry

no judgement, because most don’t surround themselves with dicks

I couldn't get that worked up about it. I had a straightforward birth, recovered quickly. I was in no way the bleeding, crying,leaking mess someone mentioned earlier. When the baby was 3 weeks old I left her with her dad for the afternoon/evening to go out with my mates so I couldn't really complain when he did the same.
But, that's my baby, my recovery and my life plus I hadn't had Covid. If you aren't comfortable being alone for the evening then tell him. If he's decent he will wait until you feel back up to full strength.