AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

[Londonaries]

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

Wouldn't bother me personally, I've BF all 3 of mine so have always done the nights myself anyway and didn't need DH for anything. Even after my section with DC3, I'd have been alright with it but that's me, not you!

Are you feeling okay in yourself after having covid/in general post birth?

Let's not pretend that mum and dads would get fair judgement on this...if my husband had wanted to go to the pub 4 weeks after our DD was born it would be seen as 'aw he's wetting the babies head' however, if I went for a bottomless brunch with the girls it would be seen as ' she's gone for a bottomless brunch and left her newborn at home' tut bad mum
and why would you even care?
It is 26 years since I went out to the pub 3 weeks after DS was born and went for a kebab after. No one said anything to my face and it hasn’t made one bit of difference to my life if who ever it was judged me! The person that matters the most told me to have a nice time. That was DH, of course.

Jesus. My DP works shifts so is regularly not around at nighttime. We all survived just fine, as will you. Just make sure he returns the favour when you're feeling up to going out.

Feel better soon

So many comments about how easy is it to meet newborn needs and it should be 'manageable', but at 3 weeks postpartum I would have hated being left alone with my DS!

It's not just about the physical effects of birth - at 3 weeks I would have felt utter panic at being left alone with him, especially so soon after baby had been ill and especially at night.

If having a newborn didn't feel like a train had ploughed through your life then good for you, but many people feel frightened, emotional and overwhelmed.

I really can't stand all the 'suck it up, at that age I strapped DC to my back and went cross country skiing! Having a baby shouldn't change a thing etc etc...🙄' comments.

Fair enough if you feel overwhelmed and you'd rather he stayed at home at 3 weeks. However the language about "letting" and "consenting" to partners going out is controlling. I know couples where the dad still has to seek "a pass" when the kids are teenagers and has to run every aspect of their schedule past their partner/wife. There would be screams of coercion and control if it was male to female but it seems to be widely accepted the other way round.

100% this.

As if women haven't already gone through enough growing a baby, keeping it safe for 9 months and healthy and then the trauma of giving birth to then be told 'sorry love I'm off for a pint and curry with the lads' cos I need a night off...
what?!

Postpartum is often the hardest part for most women, the recovery, the tiredness, the shock, the blur of it all...no wonder so many women end up with PND reading these comments!

I don’t think you have nice people in your life if they’d judge you for that

I did exactly that when my baby was a month old - few glasses of wine at lunch with my friends. People were nothing but supportive and it made me feel brand new again.

Mine went out when baby was two weeks old Xmas Eve. He came back falling down drunk. I phoned his father when he collapsed on the stairs. He put him to bed. I was so angry.

Only the OP knows how useless he will be

This with bloody bells on.

Agree with this.

Why people feel the need to stick the boot in on a new mum who has had a hard time is beyond me.

But that's the point though isn't it. If the woman has been having no sleep because of BFing etc, then DP would be no use anyway.

Lots of women do it alone and alot of women have partners who work shifts. That can't be helped and if a DP is so hands on that one night without him would cause huge issues, then by that logic the mother is not likely on the brink of exhaustion, as like you say there's a pair of hands to makes drinks, food, enable you to visit the bathroom etc?

By your friends and family? I wouldn’t judge like this and neither would my friends and family. Yes there are people who will judge, there is also women who don’t let their husbands out and vice Versa. Shitty people exist.

So many comments about how easy is it to meet newborn needs and it should be 'manageable', but at 3 weeks postpartum I would have hated being left alone with my DS!
Honest question and I swear I’m not being goody or anything. How long was DH off work for. Did he have 3 weeks off? If not how did you cope with him being away from home? My DH had one day off because he was self employed and a huge problem occurred. I was really out of my comfort zone and didn’t think I would cope but managed to get a reasonable routine very quickly . I’m not saying I got it right all the time but as soon as DH got he was happy to let me have down time. By week 3 I was ready for a beer with my pals!
Everyone’s circumstances are different. Adding to that I expected ds2 to be a dream. He wasn’t, he was demon child for a couple of years!😂😂😂

What?! It’s just one night tho? I’m confused. Are you struggling with baby? Is he an arse or something? Backstory? Serial cheater etc? And no I’m not a ‘cool wife’ - I’m just a confused wife.

This thread is really horrible. Some of the comments 😩

Yabu, honestly it's one night and a new born really isn't a job for 2. Let him go then he can do the night feeds and give you a night off.

If you’re referring to my post, I knew the word consent would raise hackles but couldn’t think of another way to put it. He asked me if I minded and I truthfully said no as thought it would be fine. Whenever either of us go out we of course ask in advance if the other minds because we recognise that we’re leaving the other to look after the baby. It’s not controlling but how households work surely.

One wonders how mothers where DH works evenings/nights cope...

@notacooldad My DH took a month off (2 weeks pat leave, 2 weeks AL) which I appreciate we were very lucky to have! I really struggled when he went back to work, and will never forget the all consuming terror I felt at being solely responsible for our DS when I had no idea what I was doing!

I know that lots of people have to go back to work/leave their partners alone much sooner, but if OP doesn't want to be left alone and her DP doesn't HAVE to leave her alone, then I don't think he should.

There's a difference between unavoidable circumstances and going out for a drink.

I also think that a lot of women (not necessarily you @notacooldad ) on this thread are being incredibly judgemental and smug, and a lot have probably forgotten how intense those first few weeks can be. All these comments pretending to be 'confused' about the problem are only serving to make people who did struggle (like me) feel like we failed somehow.

My exh went on a week long jolly business trip when dd2 was 7 days old and dd1 I had no family in the country.

A night out no problem

I’m really surprised at the vote saying you’re unreasonable and how many responses you’ve had saying babies this age are really easy to care for, when that is obviously really dependent on the circumstances and every baby is different!

At 4 weeks, there are all sorts of post-birth issues you could still be struggling with, feeding may still be difficult, and not every 4 week old just sleeps a lot (mine def didn’t) plus you’re recovering from covid! I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go on this occasion and to stay in to support you if you don’t feel able to cope without him….but only you can make that call given your own circumstances and feelings!

Of course in the longer term it’s healthy to carve out time for both of you to see friends, have hobbies etc but you’re still very early days, so please don’t feel bad for voicing your needs at the moment.

Well in the first few weeks with DC1 I would not have wanted DH to go out drinking.
My newborn really wasn't easy, it was one of the most difficult periods. It was worse hearing about all these easy newborns who were just feeding and sleeping.

OP it does get easier, and when it does then DH can go out. And so can you if you feel up to it.

From what I remember DH had his first night out when the baby was about 3 months.

I agree. There are some real weirdos on this website.

THIS.

I am horrified by some of the comments here. Calling a new mum incompetent just because she wants her partner to support her after they have all been ill with covid? Jesus.

Well then dad is available to help at other times. Mothers of infants everywhere look forward to the end of the workday and the return of the second parent of they are lucky enough to be in that position. It doesn’t really matter what particular shift the other parent works as long as that parent comes home at the end.