AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

[Londonaries]

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

I think it’s hard for people to remember the first weeks, as memories fade and also some people have much easier babies than others.

Personally I found it really hard being alone with the baby at that stage - no sleep at all unless the other parent was holding the baby, and constant crying.

So no, I wouldn’t have been happy for my DH to be out at that stage. And he would have been too tired to even contemplate a night out tbh.

YANBU, my partner wouldn't. Hope you all feel better soon x

Comments like these baffle me.

How is if so hard for you to understand not everyone struggles in the first few weeks? I had a c section and was out for a hen weekend at 4 weeks, was able to go out for meals at 2 weeks.

Not all women are reduced to bleeding, crying messes post birth

I think he should hold off until you're better.

I was still in the totally overwhelmed stage at this age. I probably would have been even more wobbly after being ill and baby having a night in hospital. I also had PND. Maybe instead of telling the OP she is controlling people should be checking she is okay health wise

He went out as usual. I exclusively breastfed and he wasn’t any use at home because he didn’t lift a finger and it was easier for me if he wasn’t home as didn’t have to also cook for him.

But even if he hadn’t had been a useless twat, I would still have had no problem with him spending a day going out with his mates.

I would assume at this stage he's back at work? So what's the difference in him leaving you to go to work and going for a few drinks? Just over 2 weeks after my DS was born, via section my DH went to his work Christmas night out, didn't annoy me one bit. He came home sober and at a decent hour but enjoyed himself.

Looking back when I had my first my husband went to see a friend overnight 200 miles away when baby was 10 days old and I was absolutely fine with it as i had an easy birth, quick recovery and a dream baby plus my mental health was in an amazing state.

second time round - husband was working away 6 days a week and I now had a 1 year old and a not so dream baby. We caught covid when baby was 6 weeks old and it was horrendous! He was away and I was alone suffering like hell, the babies were Ill with it too and my god did I hate him for being away. It was torture.

YANBU. Circumstances play a part and everyone’s circumstances are different - like I had two different experiences with both of my babies.

This. Mine were fairly easy and I got good amounts of sleep. Juggling the other kids was harder but he never did anything to help anyway.

All that matters is you feel you need the support so your partner should support you.
It doesnt matter that other people were fine. There will be other things you are fine with, that they need more support with.

MN is the only place I have ever been described as cool, even if it is meant in a derogatory way 😂

@Pewterschmitt agree with this.

My partner pissed of when i was pregnant so I wasnt ' given the option' so to speak.

But we are all adults and are capable of making adult decisions.

When threads like this come up - no offence to you OP , its more the responses - its like competition !.

Great if you partner doesnt want to go for a curry 4 weeks post birth, but its equally ok if they do!!

@CurbsideProphet yes a team effort is exactly it. I was still doing all feeding and DP was doing majority of nappies, bring me drinks and snacks while feeding at night and generally keeping me company. It just wouldn’t have even come up as something either of us wanted to do. I get that some people might not mind. I would have been very shocked if he had wanted to though given how things were going for us. And I’ve never been someone who was bothered about DP going out normally. But when you have a 4 week old? Seems pretty selfish to me.

I’d have struggled with DH going out when DD was 4 weeks old. I was struggling to breastfeed and I could only really try to feed her when DH was home because he needed to hold her when she got too worked up to latch and he held her while I pumped. DD had reflux so the evenings were bad with lots of crying and spit up. DD also wasn’t settling until about 2am, every time we put her down until that time she would just cry so it wouldn’t just be a few hours. DH was back at work by this point and so him going out in an evening was quite isolating then. I also don’t have any family nearby.

I would have also wanted DH to cancel plans after we all had covid. He got sick first so I did what I could so he could rest. DD then got sick and so I did the bulk of looking after her. Finally I got sick and after 4 days after looking after both DH and DD I wanted DH to take over DD’s care so I could rest.

I was also struggling to adjust to my new life as a mum and DH going about his business like this major thing hadn’t happened would have made that time even more isolating.

If OP is going to struggle being home then her DH should stay home. She doesn’t need to be told it’s a walk in the park and she should be able to cope.

Cool wives, or just competent mothers?

Cool wives, or just competent mothers?

That's quite patronising.

@steff13 👏

There’s no need to be knob.

My oh worked nights when all mine were small, it made no difference if he went out. I personally don't understand why does it take 2 adults to mind a 3 week old for 12 hours? (Special needs medical issues aside)

Going for a curry and a couple of drinks should be fine.

Going out and getting totally smashed, returning ridiculously late and being useless the next day - not fine.

people who have easy babies aren’t “cool wives”, they just have different experiences to you

It’s one night out, if you’re not well enough or baby isn’t well then speak up but if he’s hands on and a good dad otherwise why not be happy for him to go out. My ex went on to 7 night shifts in a row following his paternity leave after our youngest son. 7 nights with a newborn, 13 month old 4 yo and 9 year old was fun my choice of course but you do get used to it. You’ll be ok for one night, even if it feels you won’t be. You can go out or do something for yourself when he’s home

When dd had her lo her dh had a long standing weekend away booked, baby was 6 weeks. They discussed the event together and dd decided she could manage one night so her dh cut his weekend by a night.
Perhaps your dh could agree to check in with you early evening and return if you’re struggling.

I understand as a new mum things will be overwhelming right now. Especially recovering from covid. But this is being a mum.

You don't stop having a life outside your family home when you become a parent. That counts for mum aswell as dad. Were you expecting DH not to go out anymore? What about when you want to go out?

I also need to point out (and I'm genuinely not being harsh) that you don't get to just put down tools if you're ill and not parent your kids. Unless it's a serious illness or hospital job etc. You will need to parent your child when you have sickness, when you have a cold, sore throat, ear infection, the usual.

A 4 week old should be relatively easy for one night. You should be able to get a night chilling in bed with the TV or a book considering how much a newborn sleeps.

Is this perhaps because you're anxious about being on your own with the baby?