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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is selfish to have night out and leave me alone with 3 week old newborn?

263 replies

Londonaries · 09/11/2022 19:01

My husband has just recovered from covid, me and my 3 week old caught covid from him, my newborn is thankfully better now after a worrying night of a fever and visit to the hospital. I am still unwell but slowly improving.

Husband wants to go out with his friend on Friday night after also being out the same afternoon for work and work drinks. AIBU to think that is just selfish to leave me at home with a less than 4 week old while he goes drinking and eating curry with his friend especially given the tricky week of covid we’ve had?

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 09/11/2022 19:22

The thing is, everyone's newborn experience is different. For some people it's really intense, they're knackered, recovering from a bad birth, etc. and would struggle for a night on their own. For me, the newborn phase has always been the easiest as mine have just slept, fed, pooped, on repeat for the first 5/6 weeks, so a night without DH wouldn't really have made much difference.

Now with a 5mo and a 3yo, a day and night without him is a much more frightening prospect Grin Luckily I have a better social life than he does!

Stag82 · 09/11/2022 19:22

It wouldn’t bother me as I’m breast feeding so doing most of the night stuff anyways and I’ve been sufficiently recovered (csection) since 2 weeks that I’m confident I can cope.

Tbh tho I’m grateful that DP doesn’t really drink much and that I had to encourage him to meet up with a couple of friends during his paternity leave!

Covetthee · 09/11/2022 19:24

Its easy for me (and others) as mothers already to say I think a night on your own is doable because we have the experience now but I think in those early days I would have found it very hard esp if I was recovering from Covid and the birth! So no I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

could he just do works thing or just the evening thing? I think both is a bit excessive atm Or do you have any family/friends who can come over to keep you company and possibly help out?

workflowers · 09/11/2022 19:24

Is this your first child? My second baby was a dream and I had a straightforward birth, so I’d have been fine with husband going out (we all got covid when the baby was young). With my first, it would have been trickier - she was a very challenging baby from the start, screamed for hours on end, fed for hours on end, she couldn’t be put down, woke all night etc. he used to come home and take the baby for a couple of hours so I could get at least a couple of hours sleep a night (bf baby). I feel very glad he was supportive as otherwise I think mentally I would have found the time trickier and that was without recovering from covid too. I wonder if all the people saying it isn’t an issue had straightforward babies.

BuildersTeaMaker · 09/11/2022 19:24

MolliciousIntent · 09/11/2022 19:07

I couldn't get worked up about this - a 4wk old baby just wants to sleep and eat, you'll be fine by yourself for a few hours surely?

🤨mine didn’t and will depend on baby. He never settled, cried relentlessly and fed continuously (BF on demand) for 1 min, fell asleep and then woke back up 15 mins later screaming in hunger. nearly broke me.
second one completely different
they’re not all the same and some bailies are little buggers to be honest. And leave you exhausted, tearful and feeling like a crap mother. In those circumstances ,nope he needs to stays in and do his fair share of dealing with a completely irrational infant

Sceptre86 · 09/11/2022 19:24

Yanbu. His timing is shit. Whilst you are ill then no he shouldn't. If he was going to work you'd have no choice but to grin and bare it and mange as best as you can but he isn't. He can go out with his friends when you are better.
The fact that he can't see you would struggle speak volumes to me though he's selfish and I would not be OK with that.

TidyDancer · 09/11/2022 19:25

OP can you advise what your specific concern is with this? The timing and the activity I wouldn't personally see as an issue so I'm trying to understand what in particular you're unhappy about.

PeekAtYou · 09/11/2022 19:27

Are you annoyed because he's likely to be hungover and useful on Saturday and Sunday?

I think it's fine for him to go out assuming that you're not ill. Have you got any social events to look forward to?

PeekAtYou · 09/11/2022 19:27

Would you feel better if he delayed going out for a week or two ?

Foolsandtheirmoney · 09/11/2022 19:28

Hugasauras · 09/11/2022 19:22

The thing is, everyone's newborn experience is different. For some people it's really intense, they're knackered, recovering from a bad birth, etc. and would struggle for a night on their own. For me, the newborn phase has always been the easiest as mine have just slept, fed, pooped, on repeat for the first 5/6 weeks, so a night without DH wouldn't really have made much difference.

Now with a 5mo and a 3yo, a day and night without him is a much more frightening prospect Grin Luckily I have a better social life than he does!

I think this is what it boils down to. I had easy enough newborns, loved the tiny baby cuddles and found it all very easy. Dh going out wouldn't have been an issue at all. When our 2nd was a baby dh was at uni during the day and working evenings so I was very used to doing it all and being alone with them. If the op isn't finding it easy then I can see why she might want him around. We are all different.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/11/2022 19:29

Is he liable to be wasted and therfore useless the next day also? Fuck that. At that age I needed someone to watch baby in the am so I could get any sleep at all!

Are you breastfeeding? Or can you say, sure darling and i'll be out all day and night on Saturday?

Ignore the aibu crowd who love to give a new mum a kicking (wtf is wrong with you all?). It's bloody hard work to have a newborn, particularly if you're ill!

2pinkginsplease · 09/11/2022 19:29

I would have a problem if it was a weekly occurrence but if it’s not every week then It wouldn’t bother me.

dh went out for his works Christmas night when ds was 2 weeks old, we were fine, shame the same couldn’t be said about dh. He hadn’t drank for a few months due to baby being due so when he went out he drank a bit too much and ended up splitting his head when he fell. What a laugh we had the next morning.

Doingmybest12 · 09/11/2022 19:30

Some posters are being really harsh, having a new baby is really hard for some ,not so hard for others. It sounds like you've had a hard time with you all being ill. I can see why if you are at home all day with the baby and then he is put all day and then all night it feels like too much, even if only for one day. How are things generally , how supportive is he generally. These things are different for everyone. Hope you can communicate about it and you get a break too for a bit.

WooWooWinnie · 09/11/2022 19:31

I think a day/night out is fine at this stage, but not to get so pissed that the next day is a write off. He needs to be back in time so he can be awake and safe to take over in the morning if you’ve had a sleepless night.

BestSelfBlah · 09/11/2022 19:32

Skelligsfeathers · 09/11/2022 19:15

At 4 weeks i was still bleeding, leaking milk everywhere, crying randomly etc
It is such early days

This! with a covid cherry on top.

He should be at home pulling his weight.

My God Op, the "cool wife" is as toxic as the "cool girl". Don't fall for it, be honest and upfront about what you want and need.

Darbs76 · 09/11/2022 19:34

I don’t see the issue. But you clearly aren’t comfortable with it so why not say you need some support this weekend as you’re still not recovered. I don’t think it’s healthy though having to allow a partner to go out. Yes you’ve got a new baby but it’s not a weeks holiday but one evening

firef1y · 09/11/2022 19:34

Blimey I couldn't wait to have some me and baby time after my youngest was born. Sent my OH out for the day/evening with older brother when he was a day old. Spent the day in bed cuddling/feeding.
Less than a week later I sent the OH for the day/evening on his own.
I ge5 you've been poorly but a very young baby doesn't need 2 of you there all the time, they don't do much more than feed (all the time if breastfeeding), sleep and poop. Try to enjoy the one on one time with your bubba, this small baby stage doesn't last long so make the most of it

SallyWD · 09/11/2022 19:34

Unless you are so ill that you can't look after the baby then he should go. Why not? It's one night. I think if husbands or wives feel restricted and that they aren't "allowed" to see friends it can breed a lot of resentment. I know, I've been there with my ex.

SallyWD · 09/11/2022 19:35

Peashoots · 09/11/2022 19:14

No need to name call, people have different opinions and different relationships. Out of interest, why specifically would you have a problem with this? Ill explain why I would’t, because belittling people and slinging insults helps nobody understand the other’s point of view.
I wouldn’t have a problem because

  1. I would cope fine for one night with a three week old baby. Their needs are very easily met at this stage
  2. it’s important to have time apart as a couple and I might even enjoy the sofa and tv to myself for the evening
  3. it’s important to maintain a life and a persona outside of “mum and dad”- my husband and I love and respect each other, and care for each others mental and emotional well-being.
  4. I would look forward to a night with the girls when husband would stay at home with the baby- I’d hate to be guilt tripped into staying at home when I wanted to go out.
Show quote history

Well said.

sageandrosemary · 09/11/2022 19:35

Well I'm going to go against the grain here bc I think it is a little selfish.

At three weeks we were both still absolutely exhausted and I still needed DP's support through the night (bottle fed).

sashagabadon · 09/11/2022 19:35

Let him go. But plan a night out with your friends too maybe December time if you are not up for it just yet

alottea · 09/11/2022 19:37

Tell him to take you out for a curry with the baby instead

CurbsideProphet · 09/11/2022 19:37

I have a 4 week old baby and DH would not go out drinking at this stage. Our baby is delightful but is breastfeeding and pooing around the clock. DH and I see this as a team effort, especially as I'm very sleep deprived and need company / support at night.

mommatoone · 09/11/2022 19:37

OP i wouldn't have a problem with this,and im not im the 'cool wife brigade ' either 🙄
Now baby seems a little better, id get baby settled when he goes out,run myself a nice bath and have a nice cosy night watching crap tele.
He can do the same when you feel up to it and fancy a meal out with the girls 💕

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 09/11/2022 19:37

When did you ease up on DH having a social life after the arrival of a newborn?

I never stopped DH having a social life. Most of the things in the 1st 2/3 weeks after DS was born we went together, auch as pub quiz's in the evenings etc, or takeaways with friends. Dh went out a few times on his own which was fine as you have to get used to coping with baby on your own for when DH goes back to work