AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

I suppose the problem is that DH is in bed while I’m getting myself and a small child up and ready for the day, and that after that he does get time to chill. I’ve no desire to be churlish and have the attitude that I’m up so he has to be up too, but I am conscious that my mornings are very stressful and tiring compared to his.

But that’s prob because our lives just are different, apples and oranges.

This is a drip feed!

Now that you've fleshed out your situation more your arrangement in the mornings sound sensible. No point in DH doing the drop off if it's on your way to work.

What happens on the mornings of the other 2 days when DS doesn't go to nursery?

The only way I can see how this would 'even out' is for your DH to pick up some of the household chores during the 2 hours before he has to start work.

Do you have a job?

I can see how things would be really stressful if you do. I WFH and my husband and I have just split everything with him paying bills and me doing housework and school stuff.

I did spend a good while every time I had work, even sometimes when I didn't, expecting him to also help me, then I quit that because it works better.

We discuss it and he admitted he would like a more traditional set up. I thought well I like being with my child, I like keeping a home, I like being financially secure, and actually it's a pretty good deal.

Why do you think it would be churlish to ask him to get up and get DS ready, so that you can just get yourself ready?

Alternatively, if this would feel churlish to you, how about on your 2 days at home with DS, he gets up and gives you the morning to lie in and chill? You take over at 8.30am.

Really unfair to your child. DH takes him at 8, problem solved.

It sounds like there’s not much you can do in terms of swapping drop off etc - but what happens at the other end of the day? When DS is in bed, are you able to chill a bit then because all the chores have been done? That might be the way into a constructive conversation - look at overall ‘jobs’ that need doing, inc getting DS ready and out the door, and make sure there’s a fair split. Your H can choose when he does them and when he takes his ‘chill’ time - but you need to have the same!

I’d be annoyed at this too. You should at least take it in turns to get up with DS but DH should get DS ready while you get ready.

Why can't he wake up earlier and sort laundry and empty the dish washer whilst you deal with the kids?. You have made a rod for your own back.

We can't advise if we think this is reasonable or unreasonable unless we understand a bit more about the rest of the day/week.

If he is doing everything in the evenings (unlikely perhaps but you never know) and overall doing his share, and its just the fact you have to leave early, then it maybe can't be helped - he happens to be able to wfh which has other advantages (assume he is on hand to pick up from nursery for sickness or other unforeseen situations?)

if not, then there is a broader question. If there are things to be done around the house they need to be shared - when they are shared is a secondary concern. Eg as posted earlier if you're more a morning person and he a night owl does it matter if he gets up later as long as his share of the household work gets done at a suitable time?

Why are you not answering those of us who are asking what the afternoon evening set up is OP?

This like pulling teeth!

People have no information on OP's work commitments but see it as inherently unfair that husband is not helping with the child in the morning. what does she need to get ready for?

It's the automatic assumption that he must be doing half of what she does without knowing whether she does half of what he does.

Why?

I get why people were shocked by 7m30 drop off when Dad's at home but it makes sense and no worse doing 7.30-3.30 than 9-5.

I think you need to alternate mornings.

You have to be up to get ready for work 3 days a week so I'd say 1 of those days DH is on get up duty so you just wake up in time to get YOU ready and DH has baby ready to go.

What happens on the other 2 days when I guess Dad's at work and you're not? What about weekends?

Is there an argument for giving him more of a lie in on your work days, but then he does all the morning stuff with DS on your days off so you get a lie in? Him waking up at 6.45 to hold the baby for 10 mins and then having 2 hours off seems inefficient.

How fair are the evenings, weekends and your non-work mornings?

Because OP says I do think we’ve got into some habits that aren’t great

And she says he has more time to chill.

The usual agreement is that you get equal down time, if possible. It isn't always possible with clingy babies etc. I don't see that your DH being up would make much of a difference. I'd expect to leave the breakfast washing up etc for your DH to sort because you've done the morning routine with your DS.

I don't know, I consider time with my child chill personally. I also think time with my child is a gift.

I don't see why your DH can't get up with you son, get him ready etc, and bring you a cup of tea of in bed before you have to get up.

Doesn't have to be everyday but might help ypu feel more supported. You're not the only parent.

So what time does your DH finish work? Is he still working when you get home?

I think it’s logical if you’re leaving the house and he isn’t, that you’re the one who does pick up/drop offs, particularly if the nursery is near your work, where you’re going anyway. I mean, he could do it, but it seems a bit pointless to me.

As someone said, not every task has to be done exactly 50/50

I think the more important question is what does he do once he’s finished work?
Does he help with cooking dinner/bathtime/bed time?
If the answer is no, that’s the problem.
To make up for him not doing anything in the mornings, he should be doing a significant part of the evening routine to make it equitable

I think I'd be looking for a nursery closer to home so DH could drop him off. Saving an hours childcare money if he's there full time would be a fair amount each month.

Shouldn't the DH get up early and spend time with his child, since it's such a gift?

🙄🙄🙄

If I understand the post correctly, its the fact that your DH is getting two hours to himself in the morning to just chill, whereas you have to get up early anyway because you leave just after 7 to go to work, and because the nursery is near work it just makes sense for you to do the childcare/drop off on those mornings. It actually seems a sensible arrangement. If DH isn't starting work at home until 9, and wasn't getting up until 8.30, I'd think he was unreasonable.

You say you are going into work three days each week, so you could level it up by asking DH to get up with the baby on the other two weekdays so you can have a lie-in, or chill time, and then take it in turns for weekends?

Why are you paying for more child care than needed? (seems insane)

Why are you getting you DC up so early?

My DH gets up at 6.30 to go to the gym, showers, then drops oldest at school and goes to work.

I get up with the younger two when they wake at 8 and get them ready for school and do that run then come home and look after youngest while doing jobs... theres zero reason for me to get up at 6.30 when he does and I would frankly laugh at him if he tried to imply I had too.

We have different jobs and scheduals, I dont have to conform to 'his' its not more important than my routine.

Common sense would be to leave DC and DH at home and he either watches DC or takes him to childcare right before his work.

There are a lot of posts. I’m not intentionally ignoring anybody or trying to make it like pulling teeth, but I do feel a bit like the rest of the day isn’t as relevant because I’m asking about the morning.

I generally get in around 4, try to keep DS entertained until 6 when DH finishes work. Then he has bath at 630, bed at 7. So obviously I spend more time with DS then because DH is working.

It’s DH choice to get up at 645, I don’t make him get up at that time.

Believe me I am not getting DS up so early - he is just a lark.

It is me woken by DS, not DS woken by me!