AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

Ignore everyone saying about the child being in childcare at 7.30 that is the norm for many working parents. But

Could you find a nursery closer to home that your DH does drop off too and if you finish at 3.30 with an hour commute back you still be back by 5pm to pick up. This means in the morning you only focus on yourself getting to work as you have the longer commute. And it sounds as if its 3 days a week. Then the other 2 days your home do DH gets to chill until he starts work then weekends you take turns for lay in.

Or if unable to move child you should still take turns getting up so you can have an extra half hour in bed/stress free morning before you leave. You should be able to come downstairs and have a child ready with shoes and coat on. Don't underestimate how annoying it is getting yourself and child ready whilst your DH is still lazing in bed.

Do you take turns on non working days or are you still always up first?

It isn’t an equal solution because if DH did the drop off it would increase our fuel costs and also take a lot of time because he would hit school run traffic on the way back so it would take him ages. In other words he’d have to drop DS off at 8 to be sure of getting home for 9, so for the sake of half an hour it’s a lot of faff.

So you sound like you think that the morning routine of you dropping off 3 days a week, is the best and most practical. What happens the other 2 days?

I honestly wouldn’t care if the person starting later got a tiny bit more of a lie in than me. Do you share responsibilities later in the day/week?

@Twinklelittlestar65 Ignore everyone saying about the child being in childcare at 7.30 that is the norm for many working parents. But

I think people are just making the point that it’s very early for a young toddler to leave the house when they don’t have to. And they don’t have to when the father is just at home sleeping in and lazing about.
Obviously in OPs relationship the child and childcare is viewed as much more her job, hence the nursery being close to her work so she can deal with it.

The state of some of the responses on here. Anyone would think OP was sending her child to a workhouse, not a nursery. YANBU OP, maybe DH could give him breakfast while you get ready so it's a bit more chilled in the morning? He can chill out once you've both left.

@luxxlisbon I'd be interested to hear what the evening routine is like.

Does your husband do the lions share of childcare on an evening op? At the very least be should be doing the bedtime routine on the days you have to take DC to nursery. That's the only way I would view this set up as being remotely fair.

Yabu,
You don't need both of you up to get DS ready and out of the house for 7. Especially if you're the one taking him to childcare.

However, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to get a nice long lay in one day, every weekend. 😆

@ChrisTrepidation I'd be interested to hear what the evening routine is like.

It hasn’t been answered so I think we can guess!

Do you get a lie in on any of your days off? Because that would make it fairer- eg. on a Saturday DH gets up with him and watches some CBeebies and takes him to the park and you get a couple hours to sleep

True. That’s my choice. It’s more DH not doing anything because he sleeps in every morning. Then moans he’s late. or that he’s being rushed.

it’s more that I have to do everything for the kids. Because he’s in bed.

because he chooses to come to bed late.

Can your DH maybe start work earlier on the days you and DS are up and out early? That would mean he could finish earlier too and there’d be more family time in the afternoon/evening with DS and you both?

He might not want to or be able to. But aligning things a bit more might make it all feel like it’s working better.

If DS were out of the house at 7ish, I’d definitely get in a couple of hours of work before my colleagues had started ?and could be bothering me on teams 🤣). Then I’d finish early and enjoy my longer evening.

God, I can’t believe some of these responses. You’re doing everything fine OP. Yes, your DH should be pulling his weight way more in the mornings. You can tell him that he needs to be getting up at 5 with your DS three mornings a week, feed him, get him dressed, pack his bag and have him ready to go with you to nursery at 7. He can then go back to bed or chill for two hours before he starts work. It would massively piss me off having him snoring in the next room while I was doing everything. You’re both working so you both need to do the childcare. Even the shitty 5am wake ups.

He needs a morning chore - loading the washing machine / hanging up washing / doing the dishwasher - things like that.

You have a lazy husband problem. So why can't you communicate and address this?

Thank god there's some sensible people around this morning! Some of these responses have left me

OP you have explained that the current set up is the most practical in terms of fuel and timing. So it's not really an issue.

At best could you ask him to get up a little earlier to help with giving DS breakfast and ready for nursery to give you a bit more time for yourself? And leave him a couple of jobs to do in his 2 hours before he starts working?

Has the OP been back?

We need more than a snapshot.
Not every task has to be shared 50/50 to be fair.
We have designated tasks in our house that suit our timetable.
OH does no laundry- I am at home all day.
OH doesn't clean the floor or hoover.
I never take the bins out or empty the dishwasher.
I do no food shopping and I don't cook at weekends.

It’s weird how OPs get angry with people trying to help them, but never with their feckless husbands.

I think things may change - or need to change - as DS gets older anyway.

Sounds like he’s having a long post lunchtime nap and then waking very early. How old is he? I would be gradually trying to cut down the nap so that he hopefully sleeps longer at night. Of course this isn’t in nursery’s interests (easier to look after a sleeping child!) so you’d have to get them on board with waking him from his nap.

This should mean you’re not getting up quite so early. It also might mean DS doesn’t wake early enough for you to take him to nursery and DH has to…

In the meantime I agree DH ought to be using his spare 2 hours for household tasks. OR he ought to be taking over with DS in the evenings so you get 2 hours off.

If he has 2 hours 3 x per week then can he use this time to prep meals, clean, tidy etc to minimise weekend tasks. This would make more sense then a nursery run.

I don’t think 7:30 is too early for nursery. My toddlers were usually up at 6am ready to play, 7:30 was a perfect time to play, colour, run around etc.

DH works from home but when DD was still in childcare and I worked in the office he always got up with us and while I dropped DD off on the way to the station, he would do some household chores before setting down for work.

I now work hybrid and on my days at home everyone goes up and has breakfast together, DD leaves the house at 7.30am and DH and I do some chores before sitting down for work.

I would have said something very strongly if DH would be lazy in bed while I run around in the morning.

I think it depends on how you feel about the situation. Our set up is somewhat similar except DH leaves around the same time as me and our two DC but does barely anything in the morning while I run around like a crazy lady.

However I am a morning person and I have my routine set now so everything (usually) goes like clockwork. For many it would be infuriating for their DH to wander around with their nose stuck in their phone, spending forever on the toilet and drinking coffee. But for us it works as he does all the cooking tea and bathing and bedtimes in the evening when I don’t function well, as he is a night owl, so the trade off is there.

It sounds like this balance isn’t really there for you and it frustrates you, so you need to talk to him about it. Even him just lying with DS half snoozing while CBeebies is on would give you some time to do stuff and have some peace. I’d recommend sitting down with him and clearly setting out what you want. If he then refuses that’s a whole other thread!

What happens on the other 5 days, do you get a lie in on at least 3 of them like he does on nursery days?

From your explanation, it does make more sense that you do the daycare drop off and pick up. It only saves half an hour and costs more if you don't. I would expect DH to be helping get our child fed and ready while I get ready.

Does DH make up for it at the end of the day (have primary responsibility for getting DS ready for bed and so on, while you can sit down)? How it all balances out counts a lot.

My DH often leaves at 7am and I'm sometimes in bed finishing breakfast then (not a morning person), but my kids are independent, not little like yours.

Unless the balance is reversed in the evening, or on another three days he does mornings himself while you take it easy, I would expect a father to help get the kid ready while you get yourself ready.

We don’t know if the DH is lazy! We just know he doesn’t get up at the same time as the OP, who hasn’t answered any other questions regarding schedule to see if it evens out… this is also only half the week. Seems resentful he gets an extra hour of sleep 3 days a week? Seems childish to me

We all have different routines. DD went to bed 7.30-8pm, but rarely wanted to get up before 7pm. If she did, DH would take her downstairs with him and bring her back up for me to take over while he got dressed - even if I was still cosy in bed with a book. I guess the difference is your little one needs to be out early at the same time as you. One thing you could do is shower when DH comes in in evenings and he can take over then. That way, you've got less to do in the mornings.

Unless I've misunderstood, you work part-time (nothing wrong with that). Maybe look at the whole picture, how many hours are you working, doing childcare and chores verses the time spent by your DH. If it's clearly more, then ask DH to take over at other times, while you say have a long bath, go for a walk or out with friends.

I have DD 16months.I take her to work with me and need to leave by 7:10 latest.
DH gives her milk and gets her ready for me because he starts at 9.
We had a chat about it when she was born and he wanted to be lazy but I was having none of it.I was consistent and it works well for us.
It's time for a chat with DH.