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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

258 replies

Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:08

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:32

DS goes to bed at 7, so that’s relaxing time for both of us.

(is 7 an ungodly hour?)

Nursery is quite close to where I work, so I do the pick ups and drop offs. I do think we’ve got into some habits that aren’t great but some of the posts are very belligerent and it’s putting me off answering tbh.

OP posts:
BlackberryCat · 09/11/2022 07:32

I’m getting a sense that it’s not just mornings he’s lazy. Does he pull his weight generally?

trilbydoll · 09/11/2022 07:34

If DS is an early riser anyway I think it makes sense for you to get him ready and leave at 7am but then that is a brilliant opportunity for DH to do housework as that is much easier in an empty house 😊

AltheaVestr1t · 09/11/2022 07:34

ememem84 · 09/11/2022 07:26

Maybe nursery is near the ops work?

I have. A similar issue. In the mornings I get up at 5. I do a work out/meditation/study or just chill with tea for a bit. Then do lunchboxes sort laundry empty dishwasher get breakfast for the dc.

DH rolls out of bed at 745 usually. While we’re getting dressed. Absolutely infuriating.

This doesn't sound like an issue...you don't have to get up at 5!

WahineToa · 09/11/2022 07:35

Nursery is quite close to where I work, so I do the pick ups and drop offs.

Which makes practical sense. What time is pick up and who looks after him in the evenings. You just have to talk about these things and make sure everyone is happy. I don’t think him getting up at the same time as you is necessary.

Cosycover · 09/11/2022 07:35

Why are you getting so offended at the further questions?

You have came on here for opinions, no?

You husband should be doing the drop off.

Midlifemusings · 09/11/2022 07:35

What would the morning routine look like if he got up when you did? Maybe alternate mornings as to who gets up but then you need to stay in bed or be doing your own thing so that DH is actually needed to be with DS and not just up for the sake of it. Are you okay with giving up that morning time with your DS?

Definitely look for childcare close to home that DH can walk to. Putting a baby though a two way commute and many extra hours in childcare makes no sense.

Pigsinmuck · 09/11/2022 07:39

I have a DH who doesn’t like getting up righter. However kids are a joint responsibility and so he doesn’t get a choice.

I do the drop off at 7:30am for my DD when DH works at home as it’s near my work.

However all I focus on in a morning is getting myself up and sorted. My DH gets DD completely ready and hands her to me as I’m leaving for work. He then sorts himself when I leave.

If he hasn’t got her sorted in time I don’t take her, he then has to get in the car and drive her there which is a pain so 99% of the time he gets up and sorts her!

Apollonia1 · 09/11/2022 07:40

What time do you have to be in work at?
How far away from home is your work/the nursery?
What time do you pick DC up at in the evening?
Who looks after your DC once you're home from work?
Can you find a nursery nearer home, so your DH can do drop offs?

EVHead · 09/11/2022 07:40

If the roles were reversed and you were the one who WFH and had two hours every morning before work started, what would you be doing in that time?

deeperthanallroses · 09/11/2022 07:40

How far away do you work? Because ideally your dh would take them sometimes! If it’s 20 mins then that is no big deal and he can do it in the morning to let his young children sleep an extra hour.
but if that’s not an option you do need to balance the time. Bring dc home and take yourself out or upstairs to bed to just be on your own for an hour. It feels really awkward but I bet he wouldn’t think it was that awkward if it was him! He could jump up and help and go back to bed after after all.

Original poster
Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:40

@Cosycover I’m not offended. But the post about ‘poor’ DS (without explanation) and the one about lying down with welcome took me aback a bit if I interpreted it correctly.

OP posts:
huyropi · 09/11/2022 07:41

Cosycover · 09/11/2022 07:35

Why are you getting so offended at the further questions?

You have came on here for opinions, no?

You husband should be doing the drop off.

Tbf, you sound like one of the people I wouldn’t bother answering if I were OP. Heads up, you sound rude. It’s actually possible to answer politely.

ChrisTrepidation · 09/11/2022 07:41

Sorry but 7am is an ungodly hour for a small child to be at nursery. Your husband is basically letting him be sent to nursery horribly early just so he has more loafing time.

You should be sharing the nursery drop offs so your DC doesn't have to be there so early every day. Your husband is taking the absolute piss. I could not respect a man who happily saw his child out of the house that early every day just so he could laze for a few hours after.

People are reacting as they are because it is quite a shocking situation tbh. Your husband has clearly conditioned you into thinking his needs trunk everyones, including his small child's. It needs to stop and only you have the power to make the changes.

HuggsBosom · 09/11/2022 07:43

Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:32

DS goes to bed at 7, so that’s relaxing time for both of us.

(is 7 an ungodly hour?)

Nursery is quite close to where I work, so I do the pick ups and drop offs. I do think we’ve got into some habits that aren’t great but some of the posts are very belligerent and it’s putting me off answering tbh.

How far is the nursery?

Could DH get DS up and ready and fed and you take him?

Tumbleweed101 · 09/11/2022 07:43

The main thing I’m getting is that you have a commute and he doesn’t. I’d say it was fair so long as you’re coming home to a tidy house - breakfast things cleared up and things like that. Sounds like a circumstance situation more than a problem. Perhaps he wants to keep out of your way as you get ready? I hate getting ready others are pottering about getting in the way though lol.

ChrisTrepidation · 09/11/2022 07:45

@EVHead I think we all know she would be cleaning, planning or otherwise being productive.

Its always men who manage to convince everyone that they can't survive without their excessive downtime🙄

Original poster
Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:46

He isn’t at nursery at 7, we leave at 7. I rounded up for ease but we leave at just after. Usually 710. He’s at nursery for 730. If that’s ungodly then there’s a lot of other kids there at an ungodly hour.

It isn’t an equal solution because if DH did the drop off it would increase our fuel costs and also take a lot of time because he would hit school run traffic on the way back so it would take him ages. In other words he’d have to drop DS off at 8 to be sure of getting home for 9, so for the sake of half an hour it’s a lot of faff.

OP posts:
EVHead · 09/11/2022 07:46

Indeed! I was going to suggest that whatever she would be doing then, is what he should be doing, but I suspect he’s not.

HuggsBosom · 09/11/2022 07:47

Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:46

He isn’t at nursery at 7, we leave at 7. I rounded up for ease but we leave at just after. Usually 710. He’s at nursery for 730. If that’s ungodly then there’s a lot of other kids there at an ungodly hour.

It isn’t an equal solution because if DH did the drop off it would increase our fuel costs and also take a lot of time because he would hit school run traffic on the way back so it would take him ages. In other words he’d have to drop DS off at 8 to be sure of getting home for 9, so for the sake of half an hour it’s a lot of faff.

So could DH get ready DS ready every morning?

Or can DH get DS fed, bathed and in bed each night.

Original poster
Calmoutside · 09/11/2022 07:49

Plus, I finish early so he leaves nursery at 330. He generally sleeps for a couple of hours in the afternoon, so it’s 730-12 morning then a sleep then only just over an hour before he’s picked up. Plus it’s only 3 days a week. So I don’t honestly think it’s THAT bad or that he’s suffering unduly!

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 09/11/2022 07:50

Your DH thinks that childcare is your responsibility- and so do you by the sound of it

Slimjimtobe · 09/11/2022 07:54

I think it makes sense to do the drop off and picks ups

so dh needs to use that hour to get jobs done eg. Meal in slow cooker or washing hung on airer

I would literally leave a list - also fake an hour for yourself two evenings

Curtayne · 09/11/2022 07:54

PP made a good point though, if the the routine works regarding childcare perhaps he could do some bits around the house before work? Ideal opportunity as the house is empty and it means you might get a bit more down time after work.

Slimjimtobe · 09/11/2022 07:55

Take - not fake (get out of the house)