AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

Maybe think about finding a nursery closer to home in the medium term? I always think closer to home is better than closer to work as it doesn’t then become one person’s responsibility, not an issue if you change jobs and if you are ill you (or dad) can still take the child to nursery without an hour’s driving.

Your DP could certainly be emptying the dishwasher and sorting laundry after you’ve left in the morning.

What time does your dh finish work?

Now you have said you work three days a week and pick up ds at 3pm I can't really see what your beef is. If your DH works u.til 5/5.30 then it's equal isn't it.

Neither of you sound like you work very hard, you just sound resentful of getting up early.

The question for me is what do the afternoons/evenings look like? The nursery drop off and pick up seems to work for you and your work routine so that's fine. Butnwjat happens later? Do you come home then tun around cleaning, doing.laundry, cooking, looking after ds etc while your dh works then comes down ans announces he's knackered so sits on couch while you are rushing around? Because if so, then your problem is not specifically the early mornings but that you do everything.

Eg if he starts work at 9 and house is empty, I would absolutely think he could get up at 730, load/unload dishwasher, tidy breakfast things, get a load of washing on, quick tidy up.

And then still pull his weight in evenings.

Me and DH are in similar situation. He works from home and starts work 2 hours after I do. I work in the office 3 days a week and from home 2 days. On the 3 office days, I'm getting up early anyway so it makes sense for me to get DS ready and do the nursery drop off at 7:45am. On my two days working from home, DH gets our son ready and does the drop off so I can get a bit of a lie in until 8am. Sometimes it doesn't always happen in this same routine, but the point is if that I'm leaving the house anyway, why shouldn't I drive DS to nursery anyway?

I think in your situation, the best compromise could be that your husband gets your child ready in the morning while you get ready, and then you do the drop off anyway. Makes absolutely no sense for him to do the drop off to be honest, but he can help with getting ready. Then once you guys leave the house, he still gets his 2 hours to faff around.

Btw, there's also lots of kids at our nursery there from when they open at 7:30am. They are open at that time for a reason, it's normal.

The obvious way to improve things would be for your DH to take responsibility for some housework every day, whether he does it first thing in the morning or later.

Now you have said you work three days a week and pick up ds at 3pm I can't really see what your beef is. If your DH works u.til 5/5.30 then it's equal isn't it.

No it’s not equal, she looks after DS after work whereas DH has his 2 hrs to himself.

I agree it doesn’t sound very hard on anyone right now BUT if they have another child or jobs change things may get a lot harder to juggle - so best to try to ensure things are more equal now before habits get formed.

I don't understand your post.

You had a bit of a whinge about having to do everything, then ignored or contradicted everyone's suggestions that might help.

So I don’t honestly think it’s THAT bad so stop wasting everyone's time!

Either ask your DH to help out more or don't. It's up to you.

all I focus on in a morning is getting myself up and sorted. My DH gets DD completely ready and hands her to me as I’m leaving for work. He then sorts himself when I leave.

Isn’t this the solution? 3 days a week when you work DH does the morning DS stuff. On your days at home you do it.

As long as you’re not doing all the housework and DS stuff in the evenings/on your days off - as long as your DH is contributing proportionately to the household running and parenting - then it’s OK.

(Bet he’s not, which is the real issue, not ‘just’ the mornings.)

Very simple, when you get home from work… Sigh loudly, you’ve had a long exhausting day beginning 5am and you are knackered. Bright and breezy “Please do take over the evening shift darling, I’m exhausted from the morning, and frazzled from the commute and work, thank you so much darling! Kiss kiss. Then take yourself to the bedroom with a book, close the door behind you.

Men do this every single day, they don’t even ask, they simply expect it, you are just as valuable and need just as much decompression time. Muster courage, this is very reasonable.

Once you’ve established the evening routine like that, then you can be seen in the living room on the sofa with your book/hobbies/box set/doing your nails/eyebrows/exfoliating/working out/running/walking/cycling/with a friend/s…. SELF CARE basically. You need rest, too.

You took care of child the more difficult shift beginning 5am (goodness, that is gruelling!) for 3 hrs, he can do the evenings 3 hours from 4pm when you get home, he can start work earlier if necessary. Actually he has it easier because he hasn’t had to deal with a commute in all weathers.

You obviously knew the balance is unfair or you wouldn’t have posted… it is very okay and a big part of adulting and looking after yourself and not letting resentments build to do something about this, decisively and firmly.

Make sure you act with conviction, knowing it is your due, the universe tends to step out of your way when you have this mind frame, and don’t brook any resistance!

DH should do an hour of housework every morning. He should also get up and help get DC ready for the day so you can sleep in a little and just get yourself ready, at least half the week.

It's not fair at all.

So if you're doing the morning stuff and the early afternoon, DH should be doing a big chunk of the evening, yes? You were joking about going back to bed yourself but you should be able to take a bit of time out to chill.

DH and I have never resented when the other gets an easier time of it BUT I think this is because we both get the breaks, albeit at different times. When someone is pulling their weight, it's a pleasure to be able to "treat" them. If they are freeloading, of course you're going to resent it.

I think logistically your plan makes the most sense in terms of drop offs. My dh is very proactive so he would do a few chores once we'd left. What does he do?

Should she be getting angry at her husband? Depends what the evening routine is tbh, but likely yes as it doesn’t sound like they’re getting equal “loafing” time.

But OP is correct to call out cunty PPs who are calling her child “poor son” for having to go to nursery at a perfectly normal time. That isn’t “helping” that’s being a monumental arse to a working mother and we all know what the implications of statements like this are.

What you are missing here is the time that your DS is actually waking . I didn't have a really early waking toddler - so in my house I was up and dressed and DS was woken and dressed very soon before we left the house with breakfast at nursery . It all depends on how long one of you is sitting with him in the morning . I'm not an advocate of very early bed times if it means the child is then waking up ridiculously early .

We can't really offer advice unless you tell us what the afternoon/eveing set up is OP.

If you are doing both YANBU
If DH takes over and does his share in the evenings YABU

Why doesn't your husband get up & get your son ready so that you just get yourself ready in the morning?

A nursery closer might be a thought if your husband will be wfh for the foreseeable.

I'm guessing his hours are fixed in which case there's nothing he can do about the time after you leave & before he starts.

He does at least clear away the breakfast stuff & sirt any washung that needs doing in that time though?

What does 5-7pm look like in your household, OP?

Cos if you’re up 6am every day with DS, do getting ready & childcare drop-off then work 3 days till 3.30, pick DS up and have him til 5pm (& have him all day 2 days a week), and your DH only works 9-5 with no commute at all 5 days a week, then if 5-7pm doesn’t look like your R&R time - or at the bare minimum you get an hour off before/after tea & bedtime routine then I’d feel very take advantage of, if I were you.

However if your DH does meal planning & cooking 3-4 days a week, the laundry and day to day tidying up, takes DS out at weekends so you get some alone time etc then perhaps it’s fair. Perhaps.

6:45 isn't really a lie in. Especially not for someone who WFH. It's not his fault that you have to get up so early for work. Presumably he's still working when you finish work in the afternoon? I think the only way you'll be able to make the mornings feel more "even" is to move your child to a nursery closer to home so DH can do those drop-offs.

I think it would be more fair if your DH got your son ready whilst you got yourself ready. It’s hard looking after a toddler and trying to get yourself ready for work.

Nursery time sounds fine since toddler is up anyway. I think the issue here is all childcare and ferrying around is falling to you, despite you being to one who works out of the home whereas it’s normally the parent who works from home who would do more drop offs and pick ups.

So he needs to step up somewhere else. Is the house tidy when you get home? Washing done. Does he cook dinner? Can he look after DS for a few hours whilst you go out and exercise? If that’s what you want to do.

I would find it annoying rushing around with kids, trying to get ready if DH was in bed snoring away.

Does not sound like a big deal to me.

You still haven't explained if DH is doing housework, prepping dinner, sorting 'home admin' etc. before he has to start work or at least in the evening when you get home .... although I assume not or you would have mentioned it.

And for goodness sake don't come back here in a couple of years having had another baby and still moaning that you are married to a lazy prick.

I wonder if people actually read threads on here ... there are so many threads about lazy husbands ... doesn't anyone see a pattern and actually think carefully before setting up home and having a child (and not often stopping at one) with a lazy man?

Welcome to smart a*d mumsnet OP. I would be a bit annoyed about this too, I think he should be helping you somewhat in the morning or could you find a nursery close to home so your husband can do the drop offs? Then he can wake whenever he likes I suppose.

Is this what you'd like to happen?

If you want things to be different, you have to work out what you want then communicate it to DH and have a discussion, if he sees it another way.

Drop off and pick up sounds fine OP, i used to drop off at 7:30 some days and a lot do now at breakfast club.
Given your husband has that free time though he really should so some housework while the place is empty

You don't say how come it's unfair
Do you also work? Do you work full-time?

What's the problem?