AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

Of course it's relevant what the rest of the split of parenting is!

An example. Me.

For about a year, my husband got up both children, got them ready, took them to childcare, and then hang home to WFH for the day. I was often either still asleep or waking when he came back, and would log in to my computer (also wfh) somewhere between 9-11, still in my PJs.

With no further information, I would have been without doubt incredibly lazy.

The reality is that our youngest was still waking up to breastfeed 5-15 times a night, and was often up for hours at a time. Because of boobs, I did about 90% of the night shifts, despite working, and the block of sleep in the morning was the only thing keeping me sane (it was often the only block longer than 90m).

It could be that your husband does the night shift, or stays up until midnight doing chores, or it could be he does nothing.

Obviously its relevant 🙄

Afternoon.
Just dropping in to remind people to please post in the spirit of supporting each other. That's what Mumsnet is here for, ultimately.
Thank you.

Calmoutside

I can see you're getting a bit of a hard time on here, but I can also understand why.
7am is pretty early to leave the house, with a child, so the layout of the day helps us understand more about your setup and what might be fair or unfair.

If nursery is on the way for you, it makes more sense for you to be doing the drop offs as you mentioned. Do you like to be early, is it a long drive (20+minutes?), or does your work start early (8am)? Those are factors that are dictating the time you leave and therefore how much time you personally get in the morning, regardless of whether your partner is awake or not.
Equally, he could do one drop off per week (if feasible) to give you a break, unless he's pulling his weight in the evenings and weekends. That does matter, because it's swings and roundabouts. It's not always possible to be totally "fair", but to arrange your days to minimise impacts on everyone (i.e. an hour long commute for someone working from home does not make sense!). If he is contributing in other ways throughout the rest of the day, I personally wouldn't have an issue with the morning just because it's partly linked to your own set routine (i.e. you need to leave anyway to get to work for a specific time).

And, call me crazy, but could you try encouraging your child to stay in bed until after 6am? I mean, that might help you out a little with feeling a bit more rested and less resentful!

Well said.

I'm not blind to the nastiness of Mumsnet sometimes but this thread has really shocked me.

Good post @Youcunnyfunt

I was going to suggest encouraging toddler to stay in bed later too as the ‘getting up with and watching TV’ with him seems like wasted time when everyone could be getting more sleep.

I used to decide what was an acceptable wake time and ignore until then. So how long do you need to get ready in the morning? And work back from there. Don’t get up earlier than you need to. Their body clocks do shift it just takes time.

@Calmoutside

I have a similar routine to you - I leave the house at 7.10, childcare drop off at 7.30 and get to work for 8am. I do all the drops offs and pick ups too because the nursery is on route to my work and it would be the opposite direction entirely for DP. However, the compromise we have since I have almost 2 hours of commuting every day plus the drop offs and pick ups (compared to his 15 min commute with no drop offs etc), is that he is the one who gets up with DD and gets her ready, sorts breakfast etc, whilst I focus on getting myself ready. Then he literally just hands her to me dressed, fed, and ready to leave at 7.10. He then gets himself ready for work and leaves the house around 7.40. It works for us. Could you do similar?

I am not sure why everyone is ganging up on you!
I think it's totally fair whilst your DS is so long that you might feel the need to mix it up, rather than your husband getting 2 hours alone every day whilst you have to dress, feed, sort yourself and your son.

I don't think there's much you can do about the time limits because of you doing drop offs etc and starting hours.

Would his work also let him work 7-3, so you could share the afternoon?
Could he get up with DS on the other two non nursery days and do the morning routing from 6-8 to give you some time to sleep or do whatever?

I'd bringing up and maybe research "bridging the gap" which has great resources and books for.how to have these conversations fairly.

I think your husband could be getting him ready while you shower and dress. That's what we did when we had a similar routine.