DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

Yanbu I would be livid.
It is not acceptable to lie about finances that impact the household imo.
My trust would have been broken

Yeah, part of a marriage is openess and honesty.
I'd probably have said to DH "wow, extra 300 a month, planning on paying off the credit card, and maybe dump the Friday evening OT, you OK with that?" With every expectation of him agreeing!

Fucking hell, I don’t know that I could be arsed with the upheaval of a new job for £15 a week unless I badly wanted to leave anyway.

First of all, stop putting all your money into the joint finances.

Then make sure you have a similar proportion kept back for yourself, as your DH does. Not the same amount. Same percentage of your net income. If you earn more, you contribute more bit you also get to keep more back.

That's how it works between dh and myself despite us both working part time.

He should have told you from the start. That's just sneaky.

I'd start keeping back my extra £800 a month.

My dh lied about his wages..
I filed for divorce the next day and threw him out.

This. Good luck with your job application OP.

Wow! That is serious stuff.

The lies are unforgivable

Well depends.

Are you controlling and critical about finances? Would you have been OK if he’d said look I’m getting a pay rise but I’d like use it to pay off credit card and drop some hours? Would you have been receptive to that?

I think either way it is out of order to lie about it when you have joint finances but then, there could be more to it if he feels like you aren’t open to discussions?

Seeing as he already gets to hold some of his money back whilst OP doesn’t, does she sound controlling or unreasonable?

@Googlecanthelpme

I said in my OP that those precise reasons were completely acceptable.

Why did he not say, did he think you'd object to his plan to pay off the credit card debt and dobless overtime?

I’d be really hurt by this, he’s being so selfish. You’re meant to be a team, but he’s thinking just of himself. On top of that he lied, not even just once! and then the cherry is he’s angry at you?! Is he normally such a dick?

What words have you both been using at home about your raise? Have you both described it as "significant"? Because there is quite a big difference between £300 and £800 which makes me think if you both describe £800 as "significant" then it might be more that £300 extra.

As a minimum I'd want to see his new contract before concluding that it is £300.... I think he is still lying and used that 20 mins to pluck a number halfway to the truth.

It's not about the amount, it's about the fact he's lied. I wouldn't be impressed.

The lies aren't great and he should have been honest. That is twitish behaviour. I'd have been angry too.
But £300 a month isn't a significant pay rise in my opinion so maybe he thought like me and didn't think it was significant but just enough to start paying off some credit cards?
The most important thing is whether he contributes fairly to family finance with his wage. If he doesn't then definitely not good. And you should stop adding all your pay into the joint account and make sure you have independent money too.

What would he have done 4 months down the line with the extra £300 a month once the credit card was paid off?

I would have an issue with the lying part as he has quite specifically lied.

We've always been open with our finances, pooled and any bigger costs discussed. Helps that neither of us spends a lot.

It's interesting that he felt a need to hide this from you when it sounds like his intentions were pretty normal.

@Basilthymerosemary

With our take home/outgoings an extra £300 a month is big.

Mine (If I get it) would be amazing, but if I didn't get it his £300 would still be good. I was never going to be told about it though (from what I understand).

So was he going to lie about working overtime?

Tell him you’ll be keeping the £800 extra to yourself…..

It's a deliberate, thought-out lie. It's not that he forgot to mention the raise or didn't tell you "yet"; he said £15 when he knew it was £75. You can ask him why he lied but it's a breach of trust and I'd be wondering what else he lies about.

His story is also shaky - he'd wanted to change jobs for more variety, not because he wanted an extra £15 a week, so why stay for the same money he'd get at the more desirable job? I also don't understand why he typed "I haven't told her about the significant raise" to his friend when he KNEW you were right next to him reading the exchange.

Being angry with you for being angry at him when he's admitted to lying sounds a bit like DARVO or victim blaming.

I had financially supported dh through illness. He got a job so I cut my hours due to childcare. He claimed we were still skint. I was borrowing money for bills. He was laughing all the way.
Wiped that smile off...