DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

MN, the place where people are advised to keep inheritance a secret but when their husband doesn't mention a pay rise they are advised to get a divorce

When you get your new job, I'd insist I'd only got £15 a week pay rise & put the rest into my running away account.

Cheeky fucker. But he's provided a great reason to re-examine both your finances & ensure you keep an equal proportion back for yourself.

Do not let this opportunity pass.

I would find this bizarre and I'd be livid.
As above poster said use this opportunity to evaluate your joint finances.
Why on earth do you put everything in and he doesn't?
Absolutely never ever give all your money to joint finances. Never put yourself in this position. It's crazy.
Every woman should have a runaway fund. It doesn't have to be a complete secret but it's important to keep some financial independence no matter how happy you are.

It's a head-scratcher, all right! Almost like more than one person posts here, isn't it? 🤔

(Anyway, OP's husband didn't fail to mention the raise, he lied about the amount and then said he hadn't lied and then admitted he had.)

Did you know he had credit card debt?

Why can’t you keep the equivalent of his football & beer money?

Why don't you get to keep any of your money?

Go for the job op and please get it. Toss an extra £15 a week (after tax) into the family pot. The rest is yours. Not for him to see a penny of. He will perfectly well understand after all. Good luck building up your personal savings!
why the fuck are you going along with he keeps money for himself and you put it all in the pot as the standard approach anyway?? That ends now op. You are not worth less than him. He has football fees, you keep extra too.

I think the worst bit is him being angry at you being angry.

It's a bit weird that he lied about it. I got some overtime in the last two months of about £350 & didn't tell DH. But I didn't do it on purpose, just forgot.

Could he have more debt?

It’s crap of him not to be open with you. It says to me he wanted to keep the extra as spending money for himself. Don’t you have a joint account where both wages are paid in? Or do you keep finances separate and just put a set amount in a joint account. Either way I would expect to know for certain how much my partner earned.

YANBU.

Though his story was off to start with.

This, definitely. RealBecca has put everything I wanted to say, into one neat paragraph.

Also, I agree with PP who said you should be keeping back a portion of your finances. For "pin money" but also for a safety net in case anything happens.

And no, you are most definitely not BU. Also, <hugs> as I think you probably need a couple.

If he was going to do less over time how was that going to go unnoticed if it's a regular thing and you generally rely on the income?

Surely you were a bit suspicious about a £15 raise?? I thought you’d made a typo at first. Not that that absolves him of any responsibility here - of course he shouldn’t have lied!!!! Why would you be against paying off his credit card debt? Unless you have other, more important debts I would think that’s a good call - he obviously thought you wouldn’t agree - why? Doesn’t justify the lies though.
Reshuffle your finances and ensure you are both putting in to the joint pot and keeping back an equal amount for yourselves.
Big Q here is can you restore the trust? I think you both need to address this x

Why are you putting all your money into the joint account and he’s not? Everything should go to the joint account with equal amounts as personal money regardless of your income.

You need to be starting a "fuck off fund" with your extra £800 poundses. I wonder what else he lies about?

That would probably be the end for me. I wonder if he lied because he wanted to spend the money each month on whatever he wanted, maybe not clearing the credit card and reducing hours. I’d be really sad he didn’t want to share that with me.

If he was going to do less over time how was that going to go unnoticed

By going to the footy, pub or some other 'extra curricular activity' I should imagine 🙄

Are you sure it’s a £300 raise and not actually higher again ?

OP what was his intentions with the money after the credit card was paid off? He'd have that £1200 covered easily in 4 months with change left over since I'm sure you already budget for this repayment so it would be £300 a month extra on top of normal repayment sum, if that was his intention. Also how was going to explain the sudden ability to pay of the credit card early? I'm sure you would have noticed since you contribute your entire wage to the joint account so I'd expect you would be well clued in on how much is going out towards regular repayment, actually does your wage also contribute to paying off this credit card? If so was he going to allow to continue budgeting from your money to continue to pay it back while he threw £300 exrra on top without you knowing? Did he tell you how he planned on covering his tracks in terms of not actually being at work doing overtime when that's were you were suppose to think he was? Let that really sink in this was not one lie but an entire Web of lies, its not some absent minded fuckery but well considered and thought out, it would have to be for it to work out for him in a way that you never find out.

Lastly he was comfortable lying to you, and he made peace with the fact that he would have to lie to regularly, about the money and about where he actually is when nit at work doing overtime. Your husbands anger is gaslighting, this is no different then how cheaters operate when their found out, he has been unfaithful in regards to finances and is becoming defensive to deflect. He fucked up big and knows it.

I cannot fathom anyone moving jobs for an extra 15 pound a week. That is almost derisory. I think he meant 15 pound a day (which equates to 75 pound a week which equates to 300 pound a month). Could you have heard wrong?

There was no need to lie about wanting to use his pay rise to pay off a credit card. His pointless lie has damaged your trust and raised all kinds of serious and uncomfortable questions.

Why do you put all your money into the joint account, but he doesn't? If he lies to you about money, what else does he lie about? If he planned to stop doing overtime without telling you, how was he planning to spend that secret time? You didn't do anything to make him angry, so what is he trying to cover up by pretending you did?

His stupid lie has really blown it. I hope you can talk this through and find out what is really going on. Best of luck, OP.

Cross-posted with Thelongnights

You have a point. Save your own money in your own account. No idea why your joining anyway.