DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

It's not a bad thing he wants to pay off his debt, very responsible approach, but not telling you it's just awful. It should be joint decision what you do with these monies. Fuck it, OP. Don't put 100% in joint account anymore.

He lied, he wanted his friends to lie to you too.
Wow.
Agree with others that you stop putting all your money into the pot, and you need a real, grownup conversation about the future. Him being angry, that you're angry, isn't good either. Lots for you to unpick OP.

Uff this hit a nerve, ny husband lied to me for yeeears about his wage, we have now split up. Quite sad that I actually put up with the mind fuck I was put through and people on here wouldn't accept it after 1 lie, some men are so selfish!

I think it's time to start keeping the same amount of your earnings for yourself as he does from his.
He's taking the piss.

How did he think he was going to hide this? Are your finances not transparent for the both of you?

@Stuckinthemiddle1990 so as you say, being able to not do overtime would be great for him. All of it is great except lying. He is annoyed because he got caught out, and actually publicly with the text from his mate.

For a start, unless you cannot both afford to pool half each of the money required per month to pay all the joint stuff (bills, rent, mortgage, food, kids, holiday savings etc) in a joint account, that is what you might normally do. What is left over is your own. If one of you has more, so be it. If it is significantly more, then you might pay a bit more than the other party. If one of you has to work overtime, then I’d say that person has every right to use a pay rise to put theirself on a better work schedule - stopping the overtime. Which you said was fine.

How was he going to explain not needing to do the overtime, or was he going to pay his bills off then confess?

I would want a conversation that cleared all this up and then I’d want to work out what you both pay into a joint account. If you have been paying more than your fair share then that needs addressing, too. It’s one thing for you to pay more so he doesn’t need to do overtime but it is something else if you’re funding his hobbies and getting no equitable treatment AND being lied to.

I would be annoyed at him lying to my face

Also him telling his friend that he hasn't told you would really fuck me off too, I'm not sure how to put into words why i find that so maddening, like, you're the old nag who you need to hide things from, that kind of sexist attitude?

It sounds like you want totally joint finances but your husband wants to keep some autonomy. There's something about the way you say you give everything over as family money as if that's a better stance, as if you're more committed. When you talk about 'acceptable reasons' to keep some of his money, it sounds as if he has to justify doing it to you. That's not to defend his dishonesty or the fact that he's let a colleague know that he's kept you in the dark - that's really shit. But I think you need to have financial arrangements that suit both of you. Would it be so strange for you to have a joint account to pay bills, household, child expenses then keep the rest for yourself? Or at least have a little bit of financial space within your marriage to make individual decisions? Now I'm older I'd go for that every time. Being self-sacrificing doesn't do women any favours, and you'll be disappointed every time a man doesn't do the same.

@girlmom21 of course! We share log-ins and track all bills, credit card balances and bank and investment accounts in shared budget / finance sheet. Our pay goes into a joint account each month. I honestly can't fathom how some people run their lives. How can you come up with a joint budget for living and raising your children with no visibility on how much your other half earns and what your financial position is regarding debt, savings retirement planning? I weren't planning on being partners why on earth get married.

@OctopusBreath I agree he's gaslighting and the dishonesty is a huge red flag. He's also clearly selfish.

It would be the fact that he blatantly lied to me that would get me and I'd be furious and so disappointed in him.
Also, why does he get to keep some of his money aside and you don't?
I'd be wondering what else he's been lying about.

In our marriage the understanding is that all money is shared and considered family money.
However that doesn't mean we can't spend it as we like, having a conversation with eachother on how you want and need to manage your finances is important as well.
I think it's pointless being married if you don't trust eachother enough to share your full finances.
I would be having words about why he felt the need to hide this from you and if you can trust him again.

I flippin hope you're going to keep that raise for yourself. YANBU he has deceived you to benefit himself that is not acceptable at all.

I wouldn’t be putting 100% into joint finances if he’s not doing the same. It needs to be proportional rather than a fixed sum. If he keeps eg 20% of what he earns then so should you. I’d also want to dig deeper into the real reason he hadn’t told you about the raise, he is not acting in a way that shows he’s trustworthy.

Tell me you haven't read the full post without telling me you haven't read the full post..

Someone has already said this, and I’ve already responded saying that I would have been suspicious from the off with the mention of a “payrise” which amounted to £780 a year. It’s a negligible amount for a lot of upheaval and loss of employment rights, etc.

It isn't much of a raise. Is it after tax? I wouldn't think to mention it to my DP.

The lying part is really bad.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

its not an equal relationship its a parent child relationship, this is not a basis for a marriage. With your dh positioning himself as the child he is making you the parent and that not healthy

OP, your husbands a dick. I’d be a bit concerned that there’s something else being concealed financially if he was worried to tell you about wanting to pay off a £1200 credit card debt.

I’m assuming you’re not an ogre, or mean with money since you’re contributing your salary to the family pot, so what exactly is going on with him?

It’s a strange way of him going about things for the sake of reducing his OT and paying off a meagre sum on a CC. Did he plan to let you believe he was still doing OT and use that time for something else?

Is his disproportionate and misplaced anger based on the fact that some other shady plan has now gone awry?

start keeping more back for yourself why does he get to do that and you dont

as for the lie thats up to you if you want to accept it or not

I would be concerned that he has some issues with money. Eg additional debt that he was planning to secretly pay off in his own time (or potentially get himself into further trouble)

Good for you.

I didn't think you were harsh at all. You pit your children first, which was a damn sight more than he was doing.

It's the selfishness, lies and deceit that get you, isn't it? And struggling with every penny while he's being the Big Man buying drinks for his mates etc.

Been there, done that, wept into the tee-shirt . . .

It isn't much of a raise. Is it after tax? I wouldn't think to mention it to my DP.

Read the room, PPs.

I'm getting annoyed about this repeated comment now. Maybe not, if the take home pay coming in to the family is more than twenty times that and covers all family bills, pensions, savings, children's activities education and savings for them with surplus for each of you. But even in quite well-off families, the cost of living / mortgage crisis means that another £300 before tax might still be important to cover increased bills or pay off debt or put away for a future bill increase or a holiday or something. It's quite obvious from the OP that £300 isn't a drop in the ocean and £800 is a LOT. There is some debt in the family. The mortgage isn't paid off.

Most people are not in that well-off a category are they especially right now?!

Then there's the dishonesty and whether this is the thin end of a wedge with regard to the OP's DH's attitude to money and to the 'partnership' which is the key point of the thread.

Yours and mine finances at work again.

Payslips- no.
I do see our bank statements, but OHs workstuff is complicated- he gets a car allowance, there are expense payments, lots of hotel, parking, flight tickets etc.
I don't really want to get immersed in all that.
OH checks it all, andI leave that to him.