DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

So, he lied about his raise until he needed to make himself feel special in front of his mate - because his mate was impressed with you? He let his ego drop him in it?

That's not just lying, it's wanting to cut you down to size in front of somebody else.

This is so weird. Who would move jobs for £15 more per week?

He doesn't get to be angry. You've done nothing wrong. I'd be furious at him.

Why do you put all your money in the kitty and he gets to keep money out for football and beer? That needs to be changed.

Also, I'd be wondering what else he's lied about.

What a lying knob! Re-evaluate your finances, possibly your relationship!

The £15 pw made no sense. Who would move jobs for an extra £3 per day? Surprised you believed him.

I thought that, £300 is probably not the figure

Absolutely this... After his lie.

It's the fact he thought it OK to lie to you, and presumably that lie would have continued unless you'd found out....

This is so weird. Who would move jobs for £15 more per week?

it makes no sense, especially in a recession!

I did.
It wasn't about the money but about the environment and other benefits. Best decision I could have made because I'm getting a big cost of living increase this year that I wouldn't have had before as the new company values employees much more than the old one.

Is the credit card bill definitely £1200? I'd be wary that he was trying to avoid telling you for a while because there's something else he needs to do with the money and there could be another debt you don't know about.

Maybe that's what he was trying to set up.

You should keep exactly the same amount he gets to keep back for his own use.

I wouldn’t be subsidising his fun money whilst all your money is going into the household pot.

It's not about the amount, it's about the fact he's lied. I wouldn't be impressed

this. it would make me view him and the relationship differently and yea the trust is now gone which is pretty bad.

He's angry because he's been found out and is not handling his embarrassment and shame well. You are justifiably angry because you have been lied to about something significant.

He doesn't get to be angry. You've done nothing wrong

yep classic gaslighting right there.

So he doesn't put 100% of his wage into the pot but you do, why ?

MN, the place where people are advised to keep inheritance a secret but when their husband doesn't mention a pay rise they are advised to get a divorce

agree with you but in either situation I think if either spouse,male or female, feel the need to lie to each other over money then the marriage is over anyway.

Got to admit that I’d struggle with this but if in other ways you two are happy, try to work through it. Not by arguing and angry silences but by really listening to each other. Obviously money is an issue to the extent he is wanting to hide some but maybe he has persuaded himself that’s the only way to get what he wants. I guess you won’t know until you talk it through.

If you get your promotion, keep your £800 a month!

I don't get why you were putting every penny you earned into the joint account while he was keeping back money for personal spending though. Stop being a martyr and keep some of your own back too. As a pp said, each put in a percentage.

As for the lying, if he regrets it and if it's a one off I'd let it go. If you get the new job tell him your keeping the first paycheque entirely to yourself!

Have you asked WHY he didn't tell you?
Did he feel those were slightly selfish uses for the money, even tho they aren't?

OP has already categorically said she eoukd have been happy for pay rise to go towards these things. Stop trying to twist the narrative

it's mn, the narrative will always be twisted and the op will be piled on.

Why does he get personal spending money and you don't?

He’s not a team player op; he sounds selfish and untrustworthy