DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

Looks like it’s more “ours and his” in this case as OP is putting her entire salary into the family pot while he gets to keep beer and season ticket money back for himself!

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been planning this exit from this marriage. “Getting his ducks in a row” as per mumsnet language.

i recall a thread. The poster (female) was planning on leaving controlling husband. She had received a pay rise. Unanimous advice was… don’t tell husband

Is this the very first time you've caught him lying to you?

so did he not think you would notice him not doing the overtime? or was his plan to be doing something else while you THOUGHT we was doing overtime?

My exH of 20 years did this.
I supported him for almost 20 years because he never managed to get a decent job.
He then got a decent job and it transpired he kept half of his salary back from me which was quite easy as it was on a self employed basis.
He had decided to leave me for someone else and left like a ghost in the night never to be seen again with a good few thousand.
I was gratified to hear lately that she's left him and he is completely skint having lost his job with no home because I owned my house outright and kept it..
He actually asked if he could come back home.
I said no, I had a solid consent order drawn up during the divorce so he can't have any of my property or money. He is regretting his actions at lesiure.

Honestly that you got so angry so easily may be the reason he lied. It was just easier to tell a white lie rather than risk an emotionally volatile reaction from you.

I don’t want to trouble you but you seem very angry in your post and your DH sounds like he’s walking on eggshells trying not to upset you.

@Oddieconvert

Agree this seems possible. Husband also seems afraid of his wife’s reaction here, which admittedly is very angry and seems like it comes from someone with a hot temper.

YOU need to take the job, and anything else you can.
Then get your "ducks in a row" (MN thing) and make sure any savings are in YOUR account, that he has zero access to before the cheeky bastard fucks off into the sunset.
Never, ever, ever be beholden to a man.

In which case - I wish him all the best

Are you the OP?!

Terrible isn’t it, when women have emotions after their husband has led to them? Poor menz 🥺

Thanks for all your responses.

He didnt go for the job for extra money, he went for it as its what he has always wanted to do. Think of it as a sideways step to then move up the ladder.

He receives weekly pay as opposed to monthly which is why I've been referring to the weekly increase.

I put all my (monthly) money into bills and then he tops it up with his portion on a weekly basis. Anything left over (after his petrol, season ticket and football spends) goes to the joint everyday account so I do have access to money if and when I need it.

A pp mentioned that I have a hot temper....I've been lied too. Yes I am angry, wouldn't you be?

Thanks all. Food for thought.

Where did the OP get angry "so easily"? Her DH went quiet for 20 minutes, as did she. Then when it turned out he'd lied to her she became justifiably angry. The person she's supposed to be able to trust lies about something pretty fundamental - doesn't just not mention it, which would be bad enough, but actively lies by plucking a fake figure out of the air and telling her that. With further lies sitting behind it - what would he be doing when the OP thought he was still working overtime? This isn't a couple rolling in money; they have debt, £300 is a 'significant' raise (even assuming that is now the true figure, who knows if he's still lying?) but he's deliberately lying to carve out more money for himself when he's already keeping a proportion of his income for himself for hobbies and interests.

If you wouldn't get angry when you found out your DH had cynically and calculatedly lied to your face then I'm afraid you're a doormat who needs help to work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

This is the type of thing that happens when couples don’t pool all their money together due to lack of trust.
All our income goes into joint bank accounts, we never have to need to discuss money, we’ve better things to do.

@BenCoopersSupportWren

I wouldn’t get as angry as she seems in her post given that he may have been embarrassed about his credit card and just wanted to quietly pay it off. Tbh I would have laughed it off with him.

Im just saying what I see from her post, which is she had a very angry reaction and he was seemingly afraid to tell her the truth about something normal, so perhaps he is afraid of how she will react to anything slightly negative so just lies to avoid her temper.

@PollyZo he told a white lie not to upset her? What exactly would have upset her about hearing he was earning more money from the get go? He lied because he wanted to keep all of his raise for himself which is selfish. His behaviour is entirely inexcusable.

Do you always find yourself making excuses for men when they behave terribly?

Stuckinthemiddle1990 do you think he was actually going to use the money for other things? Not paying off the debt and doing less overtime? It’s just that you say that you say those are good reasons so why not tell you them?

Lying to you is not good at all, but if you’re also concerned that he was going to be doing something with the money that he would hide from you, I think you need to keep asking questions.

A white lie to avoid upsetting her?

Hey love, guess what, I'll be getting more money and I'll be able to clear my debt faster!

You...you bastard. How could you? You've broken my heart. I want a divorce.

🤦

No. He hid it so he could have even more money to spend on himself compared to the fuck all she spends on herself.

Sparing her feelings indeed 🤣

So does this mean the other job he applied for, was also offering more than a £15 a week pay rise? It would seem so if his current employer matched their offer. So many lies.

This is a weird financial set up. Do you have your own account at all? Does he?

@LondonGirl83

He probably wanted to pay off the credit before she realised he had the pay rise, as she may have been upset he was in credit debt. If she reacts angrily to things like that and her post does make her seem hot tempered.

Im not being unreasonable or joking I truly think OP comes off very angry in her post (to a beyond normal level) and she should consider that.

@IncompleteSenten

Or so he didn’t have to tell her about the debt so he could avoid her anger over that?

Anger over secret debt your partner has while they still spend money on social life and hobbies while you have nothing for yourself?

Yeah. You are right. I can't argue with you on that. Someone that selfish would very likely not want to face their partner's anger and risk not having even more money to keep to themselves.