DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

You need to be more selfish with your money.

Keep a separate savings account for yourself.

This dickhead has revealed his true colours.

And I wouldn't buy his excuses about overtime and debts. It's for more money for him to do what he wants whilst you put more in the joint account.

What an utter, utter cunt.

So whats yours is "ours" and what's his is his? Hm.

So whats yours is "ours" and what's his is his? Hm.

Sounds like he was thinking like a single person.

Well stop paying every single penny into joint finances and keep some money for yourself? No-one is forcing you to do that.

But him lying about that would make me wonder about a lot of things, to be honest.

He didn’t just lie, he messaged his friend to remind him that he’d lied and not to let the cat out of the bag (didn’t work!). That would bug me too.

He should have told you, but I’d want to gently ask why he felt he couldn’t? I’d also support his thinking to be paying off the debt first, that’s a sensible thing to do with a pay rise before it is used for anything else.

In a partnership you would be honest with each other about money, and reach a consensus on how it should be spent, how much you each have for fun/leisure spending, whether overtime should be reduced etc.

He lied because he doesn't see your marriage as a partnership.

It's a seemingly small thing, but symptomatic of something much bigger and more serious in his attitude to your relationship. I'd be reconsidering everything.

I’d also support his thinking to be paying off the debt first, that’s a sensible thing to do with a pay rise before it is used for anything else.

Paying off debts is fine, but he should have told her. Honesty and trust is a fundamental requirement in a relationship.

Couples need to be completely open about finances. Yes, I'd be angry.

If you read the OP, he's admitted that he lied.

Talk about massively missing the point of the thread!

Well I meant that I’d have been a bit suspicious in the first place of my partner going on about his new job and “pay rise” for it to be £780 a year extra.

THIS

Whether you get the increased wage or not (and I very much hope that you do) keep a proportionate amount from your wages for your personal use. Spend it how you like, or save it in case you decide you've had enough deceit and want to leave.

If he doesn't like it, tough.

OMG - a tad harsh eh?! Or not?

When you move jobs, you effectively lose a lot of employment rights for the first 2 years. £780 a year would never be worth the risk, so I am also surprised the OP bought the original story about £15 a week extra.

Also, who measures their payrises in £ per week? (Also missing the point of the thread)

Overall, I think that without honesty and trust, you don't have a functioning marriage. And he has broken the trust.

OP, sorry but that is not what he was planning to use the money for. He wanted extra pocket money for himself.

Its unreasonable all your money goes into to joint finances. Either everyone's full pay check gets directly paid into a joint account or each party gets to keep personal spending money separate to joint household expenses. In either case, full transparency is needed for the arrangement to be fair. You need to not only know what your partner earns but what his debts are. In reality, those are your debts too if he dies or you divorce so the concept of separate finances is largely a farce.

the lies are unforgiveable but maybe time to rethink how you arrange your finances?
For eg have a household account where you contribute equally or proportionately to all bills and the rest goes in your personal account to do with as you wish? maybe open a holiday savings account that you both contribute to?

If you already agreed the season ticket, for eg, why didn't you immediately earmark the same amount for you right from the start?

When you are borrowing for bills and have a dh who manages a golf membership and all the gear. And he claimed there is no money for the dc's activities... Wasn't harsh at all. He lied. To my face. For 10 months.

You now know that your husband is capable of lying repeatedly to your face. That would be my biggest issue with this.

The fact that he's angry that you're pissed off... That is so gaslighty and manipulative. He's pissed off that you caught him lying! Prick.

Just realised I don't know how much OH earns.

You don’t see his payslips or bank statements?

You don’t see his payslips or bank statements?

You do see your OH's payslips and bank statements?

So he told friends about the payrise but not his wife?

Wow.