DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

We’re they spending it or paying off debt?

One paying off secret debt the other sometimes paying off debt but mostly spending it and getting into more debt. Safe to say I am not friends with these people anymore, I do not condone that behaviour!

Secret savings account ...no they dont!

He lied. About money. And to add insult to injury, he's gaslighting you.

I've lived this. It doesn't end well. Please get your own account and separate your finances. He has. So you should too. He won't like it. He'll try to convince you that you're completely overreacting. You're not.

Try not to make the mistake I did. Do not trust someone who lies. Especially about money.

I hope it all works out for you.

They really do.
Use your common sense.

Filter a secret account. I know this will seem harsh but your husband is not to be trusted.

What else might he hide. Get an account and don’t tell him ever. It’s to amass money for a rainy day. It’s not for spending now.

Totally agree - I said it before, you need to feel secure, just in case

YANBU

Id want to see his offer letter confirming it was actually £75 a week… I’m guessing it’s more.

I don't see why it has to be secret. OP doesn't want money of her own at the moment, or that's how she feels she ought to think.

OP, putting everything into a joint pot would work well if you were both doing it. Remember you are equal partners if you're married. So what you agree for one person (some personal money) should also be done for the other person. Otherwise you have made yourself unequal.

So set up a separate account and work out a fair amount to put in it each month. A proportion of your salary the same as he gets as a proportion of his. Or if you earn roughly the same, just the same amount as he keeps. No need to keep it secret. (If you feel he's making life awkward because of that account that's a sign the marriage is over.)

None of this helps with the lying, but PPs have said plenty about that and there's good advice in there.

Your not friends with them? Sounds like they had serious financial woes and probably needed good friends in their lives. So you probably did them a favour actually!

Some do (I did)
Others don’t

Are you honestly saying that all women have a secret savings accounts??

Ah sorry - all women need a secret savings accounts.

His anger at you being upset is interesting.

He was very premeditated in his actions.

I think it's time you saw his payslip and separated your finances, both contributing equal amounts to bills.

I really hope you get that new job.

His actions, involving his friend is very dishonest and disloyal to you.

It would make me question things for sure.

Oh reign it in will you! Ah yes sorry let's make judgements on situations you don't know...

They weren't close friends, I tried to help many many a time and one pushed me away because they knew I knew their secrets and were paranoid and the other we just weren't ever really close and drifted apart.

I also do not condone multiple lies.

Sorry about that!

JennyJungle

I have plenty of common sense! SOME women need a secret account. Some do NOT. Nothing to do with common sense, it's circumstances, relationships and what they think they need to do!

But our views will differ as I suspected have had very different experiences!!

We have totally separate accounts, we put an amount into a joint to pay bills etc. This means we have everything left to do whatever we want with, it doesn't matter how much we earn the rest is ours. Works brilliantly, we never have any issues about who earns what, or what we spend our money on. It would be really hard if there was one wage earner who had to support everyone, that would be a nightmare and lead to no end of issues.

It would be really hard if there was one wage earner who had to support everyone, that would be a nightmare and lead to no end of issues

It didn't with us!

There are a few ways for couples to have finances. Everything into a joint account and both take what is needed for themselves with the partner agreeing. Separate accounts with a joint account, or not, to pay bills. Some people don't tell their partners what they earn if they have separate accounts but if you have a joint account then there should be total honesty including about paying off the credit card (what was bought on it?), hours worked and anything else. Perhaps you would feel better if you keep some of your earnings for yourself and go out to an equivalent of football and a pint. However, you need to discuss this with your hubby and explain why you are angry then tell him that you are keeping a portion of your income.

Well OP doesn’t but you on the other hand… nah just kidding. But I dont think @Googlecanthelpme was being objectionable. Just trying to get the facts.

Why don’t you both have your salary paid into your joint account? There is no hiding what he’s earning then or what he’s spending. His anger is misplaced. He shouldn’t be angry at you for being angry at his lie. He should be angry with himself for thinking lying to his partner was acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

OP it sounds like you are paying the majority of the bills and he is ‘topppng it up’. Why is this? Is it your property or in joint names? If it’s joint then why aren’t you paying half each? What does he get to keep personal money and you don’t?
if it’s your property then fair enough to take a bigger financial responsibly for it but if joint then what the hell is he playing at?
I was with my exh for over 20 years, we both paid into a joint account to cover all household bills and expenses and had our own private accounts to start with. After we had children he changed jobs, I started my own business and went self employed to be able to work around the children so the dynamics changed, he ‘took over’ the joint account as his wages covered the main bills and my earnings paid for food and anything for the children such as school dinners, clubs, trips etc. When we divorced it turned out he had 4 pension pots I knew nothing about, had taken out a loan for a car (which I knew about ) but was £10k more than what he’s told me and then had the audacity to go around telling everyone I’d left him in debt. The moral of this long winded (apologies) story is that lying about income is probably the start of the slippery slope and an indication of other things going on.
Put some of your own money away just in case, and if things work out you can spend it on a nice anniversary cruise or something.

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable and he should have been open and honest. But I'm conscious that this conversation was within the wider context of your relationship that we can't see into from the outside.

There is clearly already resentment on your part from the perspective of the financial aspect of your relationship and you have presumably discussed this. He may be already feeling guilty about his inability to contribute financially and so this has become a real centre of tension in your relationship.

How about the issue of wider trust, has he given you reason to distrust him?

He did say he'd "made a bad call" which he clearly had, was this part of a proper apology? ... him being 'angry' may be more defensiveness when under attack and having 'apologised' ... this doesn't excuse his behaviour of course, but worth also looking at both sides given that this is a long term relationship.

Good luck with the possible promotion, an extra £800 pm is huge and with inflation and cost of living etc would be very well timed!!

On the face of it, this is completely unreasonable and YANBU to be cross. As for "trust is gone", no I wouldn't see it that way at all.

There are circumstances I would say this is OK - where somebody is subject to abuse, or is being kept unhappy by a spouse who knows it and doesn't care, or is having their hard work totally taken for granted by a noisy martyr. In those cases sure break off 50 quid for yourself and have a nigh-fatal amount of chocolate ice cream every now and then, if they don't care about whether you're happy then you will have to. I'm not judging those people. In most cases, though, it just looks like taking money from your family and I too would be livid.

I’d ask him why he lied and how he would feel if you did the same?

Lies in relationships just cause damage. Sorry OP, but the cheek of him even giving the heads up in the message that you don’t know adds even more insult to injury.

I would be thinking what else does he lie about? How is your relationship on a whole?