To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

I think 1/3 of income is the fairest way, which would be around £430 a month.

I'm astonished that so many think this is reasonable amount instead of half a smaller amount and supporting their kids to save and then buy or rent their own place.

Op if you're a nurse, top of your band maybe there's potential to go up to the next band. Nurses start at band 5 so a 6 may top up your salary?

Also in reply to the 'privileged' comments, we certainly aren't but I wouldn't charge a dc a third of their salary to live at home. A token 200 maybe and they pay their own extras, petrol etc. We'd pay the leccy gas whatever because we would be anyway.

Seems fair under the circumstances. My mum always took “living tax” of one third of my gross pay.

You don't have to justify yourself to the people insinuating or stating that you are profiting from your son making a necessary contribution to the household

Your post will probably be deleted sadly but well said!

My dd has seen me struggle, as a single parent. That is why she has saved so much and helps me out.

It seems fair

Has dad contributed to the kids during this time it is that not doable

I actually think you're slightly unreasonable for not asking for more 😅
He'd be paying a lot more than that to rent a room somewhere and then would have all his food to pay for on top.
At that age I paid a quarter of my take home pay to my parents, and still had plenty left for myself

unfortunately just going band 6 isnt an option. Band 6 roles are not that common. I also work in a department where I do days as otherwise, my other children would have to be alone overnight which isn't really something they or I am comfortable with, and weekends are emergency-only services so we are limited how many weekends we get as the amount on shift is lower. Therefore my rate of enhancements is reduced so I earn basic only. Changing this is possible in the future when my other children are older, but for now I cant transfer to a dept that involves nights and increasing my chances of securing a band 6 role.

What about him saving for his future? Instead of subsidising your living costs…

Catch yourself on. OP's DS is not subsidising her, it's the other way around. It is healthy, appropriate and completely reasonable to expect a 19 year old man in full time employment to make a financial contribution to the household.
If he is sensible he will still be able to put some money aside each month for the future. There is nothing wrong with encouraging a bit of personal responsibility. No wonder there are so many women on here with DP's/DH's who are feckless, selfish and incapable of organising their own lives! OP is clearly a very caring parent who not only loves her son, but also respects him enough to treat him like a functioning adult.

OP, you're doing absolutely the right thing here. You're making life as easy and comfortable for your DS as your circumstances will allow while still promoting independence and fiscal responsibility. You sound like a great Mum.

Clearly you are priviliged ,just by saying you would pay the leccy bill because you would have to anyway ,the Op cant afford to live there withput taking £400 which is incridibly reasnable imo

We'd pay the leccy gas whatever because we would be anyway.

The “leccy”, gas, etc would be less without an extra adult in the house. Showers and laundry cost money. A house share would cost a lot more.

So when we meet those ' obnoxious the world owes me a living type ' we know exactly why.

Because Mummy didn't charge them a penny for living at home ,once they became adults.

All those "I never could" PP's are doing their DC's a great disservice IMO. How do they expect their DC's to be able to budget properly if the parents are paying for everything and/or saving money for them? Honestly, it's no wonder some adults get in a pickle over their finances when they eventually decide to fly the nest, if they have had no teaching from their parents.

No, nothing in a decade, not for want of trying CMS is as helpful as he is.

My ds uses electricity double what I would on my own. Ps4 electric shower clothes washing all adds up.

It's very fair.

When I was his age I had a full time job during the week and a part time one at the weekend. I worked 7 days. I worked hard, paid my parents board and paid for take away etc. Had my own bills, bought a new car aged 20 and partied hard too.

He needs to do this whilst he's young and needs to learn how everything costs and how you have had to manage this on your own all these years.

It’s a shame that a nurse is not paid enough and has to struggle like this, and then we reward them by banging pots and infusing every other statement with “thank God for the NHS”.

A professional nurse with lots of experience should not need to supplement income with UC; we’ve allowed wages to be suppressed so much and it’s not sustainable.

And to make it clear OP, this is not a rant at you, this is a rant at circumstances that have put you in this situation.

Honestly, £400 is possibly too little with the rising cost of food - whats his reasoning for keeping you on the breadline? He should be happy he has so much disposable income - you don't have that fgs.

This is bullshit. Plenty of parents don’t charge their children and they manage to be financially responsible. Equally, kids that contribute financially will be fine too.

This thread is pointless, OP needs to charge this amount to pay her bills, she has no choice.

I would ask for £600 and put £200 month into an account for him, that’s what I did for my son and he has added to it monthly to save for a deposit now he’s renting.

Erm I paid my parents £120 pm and moved out at 35 so can't say anything like. To me 400 is alot to pay esp if he wants to save for house deposit one day ??

That is more than fair. Rent, bills and food for less than a third of his salary is an absolute bargain. Have you got space for me too?
Add up your outgoings to make sure that you’re charging him enough. 19 year olds eat a lot, so take his food costs into account.
If he wants driving lessons he can pay for them himself out of his £900pm pocket money. You do not owe him driving lessons.

Why should he save a house deposit at his single mum’s expense? She can’t afford to keep him, it’s as simple as that.