To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

£400 a month sounds fab @mumofteenss

Ignore the posters saying YABU and charging too much. He still has £900 left FGS!

Some people really have zero clue as to how restricted you are in terms of working when you’re a single parent with an ex who decides to just fucking disappear.

Relying on benefits isn’t a choice we make, it’s forced upon us. So is having your career stagnate therefore no extra money, not being able to take on a second job therefore no extra money, having to rent rather than buy and UC will cover about 50% of the cost if you’re lucky because LHAs are not reflective of real world private rental costs, etc etc.

Absolutely fair and a great deal for him . Well done for raising a child that learns the value of money .

Why does he need your help to save for a deposit why cant he do if himself?

Lol, are you my ex? He went back to his mothers after split up aged 28, on a salary of 45K, paid no board, and even when his Grandfather died when he was 32, and left him 300K, it still took him till he was 39 to finally move out. Arrested development much?!

Why would you discuss which benefits you got for him. It’s not his job to fill the gap the government filled before.

That the Gov has to fill because they pay Nurses far too little and do fuck all to make absent fathers cough up the pittance they’re meant to.

With him? I didnt. I said £400, or £350 if he wants to takeover his own phone, apple music, xbox gamer pass etc

On here, for context of how I came to the £400/350 suggestion

You stayed at home with your parents for 20 years after leaving school, and only paid £120 a month 'board money.' WTAF ???!

I hope you also bought food/ groceries/ household supplies, and paid a few bills - (internet, water rates, or council tax or something.) If not, then you should be ashamed of yourself for contributing such an embarrassingly pitiful amount of money to your parents, for the 17-18 years of your adult life that you lived there!

All these people talking about him saving for a house deposit. I’m sure the OP would have loved to have been able to save for a house deposit. Instead she has probably scrimped to house, feed and clothe her children and she is still subsidising his living costs.

op you sound a lovely mum.

Oh yeh it’s the governments fault people pick shit dads.

Agree. Ignore the naysayers @mumofteenss

You’d have more money than Elon if only you could mass produce that crystal ball your smug ass seems to own.

I would be encouragingly him to save for a deposit or got his future. Another way you could do this is to say he could contribute to the bills, food & cooking, that way he's going to take on more day to day responsibility & that's good for preparing him to move out eventually.
Otherwise he's like a lodger which is okay if that's what you want but I think it's an opportunity to do some preparation for the possibility that once day if he has a partner he will be more inclined to half the work

You OP said

As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this

So you did discuss and make him aware your benefits stopped.

Actually, the government says otherwise. Universal credit is based on the number of children and working adults in a household. A working adult is expected to contribute to the cost of running the house. Being the mum of an 18 year old and a 21 year old I know how much extra expense they cost in food, gas, electric, water meter etc.

Hes not ,as a working adult hes paying a contribution ,the Op cant afford to keep him and house ,so its either that or he movea out which will cost a damn sight more thsn £400.

I didnt tell him specific amounts. I made him aware my income would be reduced so he would have start looking for a job once his college ended and contribute towards living costs. I didn't sit him down and say Ive lost X in UC and Y in CB, sorry.

Or women (and I don’t mean the OP) could have kids with men that are decent humans.
Hundreds of threads on here saying how shit their bf,husbands are and they still get pregnant and then wonder why they didn’t magically change.
You don’t need a crystal ball for that. Just your common sense.

Very fair OP, we shouldn't martyr ourselves to our fully functioning adult offspring.

The son is not a kid rhough now hes a fully grown adult earning a full time wage so rughtfully pays his way

Just for context, one of my adult DC earns a similar rate, he pays £520 rent (Inc utilities) for a room in a HMO, council tax and about £40 a week on food. So at least £600.

DSS is 18 and I am astonished at how much money he thinks he needs to live on.

He is in on a gap year to save up before he goes to Uni.

He is working full time in a chain coffee shop and is earning about 410 a week after tax!

He now transfers £210 a week to DH to save for his uni rent and he keeps the other £200 to piss up the wall.

We make him transfer £10 a month for his phone and also make him buy his own toiletries.

He announced that he wants to go on 2 summer holidays next year at a cost of circa £2500 (utter madness)

We've said that he needs to pay for the holidays put of his £200 living budget but apparently he can't afford to. .

My mind boggles as to how they think people live.

OP you are not unreasonable

Again for context, we were married, owned a home, both worked and decided on three children in the 12 years we were together. I never expected even at the time we separated he would walk away from the children and his responsibilities entirely.