To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

Totally fair. I wish I could get my 20 year old to get a decent job and start contributing.

Yes ive told him. He is happy with the £400, though I've said his first pay we will look at and decide once when know what it will be as I'm not sure how much his first wage will work. I want him to enjoy that feeling of the first time he's earned his own money and be able to treat himself. So I've said I'm not expecting £400 for the first month, just a "fair" amount.

Im just worrying I'm asking too much, but from replies it seems people agree its fair and reasonable given the circumstances

I'm just depressed that a 19 year old is earning more than me! But yes, in the circumstances it sounds like a fair amount to be taking and he will have more than enough disposable income (I don't think I know any adults who have £900 to themselves every month).

Mine pays £350 and things like gym membership and phone he is taking over as contracts end and need renewing. He'll be earning £30k soon! But he hasn't been beforehand and we said they get a year after education free and then start contributing.

I wish i could afford that, but I'm not a high earner myself and their father is NC so Im 100% financially responsible for all 3 and have been for a decade.

I think it's not enough.

Well sadly back in the real world many peoole cant afford to subsidise a fully grown workking adult , and mummy secretly saving on behalf of her adult son hardly teaches a fully grown adult the value of money

How nice for you to be able to afford that. Rather crass thing to say to OP, who can't afford it, though.....

Good for you 🙄

My dd has 10 grand in her bank account.

You are still massively subsidizing him at 400 if you are covering his rent, utilities, food, and his gadgets. What on earth does he have left that he needs to provide for himself with his remaining money? Some clothing and some transportation? He could probably save 500 a month with this plan without much effort. Has he made a commitment to do that or is he going to fritter away his earnings?

you don’t have to throw him to the wolves, but your job now is to give him a good strong launch into the real world. The real world is expensive.

@Dailymash @Notthetoothfairy
It's a lovely position to be in, not having to take keep from adult children in the home but I'm not sure accusing OP of profiting from her DC is very kind or helpful.
I think you'll see from the thread that the majority of parents don't have the resources to keep paying for food, board, utility bills etc for a working adult when they have £1300-1400 disposable income a month. Financial need aside, how will these kids ever learn how to budget, know how much it costs to run a home, ever have the incentive to leave home of they have no financial responsibility?!
Personally, taking your attitude, you're in danger of having 30 year old 'kids' living in your spare room, getting mummy to do the cooking, housework, laundry etc..Good luck with that

It seems more than fair. You might have to be open to asking for a higher contribution in due course as you'll lose your single person council tax reduction.

@caringcarer makes an excellent point about him opening a LISA too.

You’ve done brilliantly to get him where he has, don’t feel guilty at all, it’s a fair amount to pay and you have to live also, everything is going up so you can’t put yourself in debt, unfortunately you can’t not charge him but he needs to learn how much bills are etc, in the long run it’ll help him

YANBU OP. He could not live anywhere on his own for £400 a month for rent, all bills and food. He will never have it so good.

People need to understand that there are a huge variety of people on MN with very different lives. Not everyone can afford to keep their adult children and once they are working why shouldn't they pay their own way, especially once council tax discount is lost and maintenance ceases etc.

I think it's a very fair amount. While I don't need to charge mine, I would as I think young adults need to learn how to live in the real world. If he works for nhs he will probably move up the increments every year.

Very fair op. Generous in that he would not get such a good deal in the private rented sector.

It stikes a balance between ensuring you are not out of pocket and he can save to build up the means to move out later on - eg tenancy deposit.

It's extremely fair. Students are paying up to £600+ for a crappy single room.

I think £400 just about covers his board and lodging , utilities, council tax. But only if he eats what you provide and doesn’t expect you to be shelling out for drink ( soft or alcoholic, ) snacks etc.

Anything else, phone , including insurance, travel, lunch, entertainment, clothing, toiletries , music, savings etc comes out of his earnings. He is a working adult and should be accepting that this means taking financial responsibility.

If that’s what your income has reduced by and you need that amount to live, then there’s no real point asking others what they think or if it’s fair. There’s no alternative anyway. Hopefully he can progress in the company and his wage will increase.

We aren't charging dsd but we can afford not to. She's saving 50% of her salary once her overdraft is paid off

People should understand that and accept others do it differently and have different circumstances. Unfortunately you also get people telling parents that don’t charge, that they are damaging their child and they’ll never be financially responsible.

25% of take home was the going rate for many of me and my friends when I was living at home, and I believe is still what’s considered fair. I would make a spreadsheet of all home costs, you shouldn’t be out of pocket.

as PP say he won’t be able to live for the same elsewhere. We put some of our Childrens’rent’ into a savings account for when they bought their own homes but we were lucky enough to be able to do that.

I still think that you’ll be out of pocket with all the extras that you afford him.

Anyway, in response to your question, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. My mum and her husband have my 30+ year old brother living with them rent-free. He earns a very good wage, has saved thousands, doesn’t contribute to food costs, has a free babysitter for when his daughter visits and it’s all to my mum’s detriment. She and our stepdad are on such a low income that they’d probably be entitled to some top up from universal credit or the cost of living payment to help them, I’m not sure, but unfortunately she cannot apply for anything with him in the house as he has such a good income. He’s always on his high horse looking down at the rest of us struggling but we just laugh because obviously we understand the true cost of bills etc. He very nearly bought his own place but once he became aware that he may not have much left out of his wage after bills were deducted, he pulled out! I love my brother very much btw but I will not make the mistakes my mum has with my children.

IMO you are making the very sensible choice of giving him a dose of the responsibilities of the real world. It’s unlikely that he would pay such a small cost even in a house share.

£400 seems reasonable. If he objects, talk over costs, ie Council tax reduction, 50% of the food and energy and see what that comes to. Either way, the bills need to be paid and if you really haven't got the money, then he needs to pay his fair share.

YANBU at all.
IMO the sooner they learn what a roof over your head, heating, hot water and food actually cost - not to mention that it’s all too easy to spend money, but a lot harder to earn it - the better.

I dare say it’s still a lot less than he’d have to pay in a flatshare, with all the bills, CT and food on top.