To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

£900 is enough to save. He can spend £100 per week and still save £500 per month x 12 is £6000 a year.

OP Son needs to learn to budget. This topic always brings out the privilege OP has stated she can't afford it!

What about him saving for his future? Instead of subsidising your living costs…

He's not subsidising her living costs, you loon, she is subsidising his! He will merely be beginning to pay some of his own living costs!

Do you really think an 18 year old should have 1300 a month disposable income while his mother can't afford to pay the gas bill? WTF?

He's not, he's paying his way....which he would have to do if he lived elsewhere. He has plenty left over to save should he wish to do so.

Hes not subsidising the Op ,s living
costs ,if anything shes subsidising his ,but back in the real world what part of the Op not being able to continue to pay for everthing aa she cant afford to whilst a full time working adult lives for free do you not understand????
Maybe the Op could instead ask him to move out ,i think he will pay far more of his wage though 🙄

Unless he's living in the garden with no food and heating he's also paying for his living costs.

He can have a room in OPs house and pay for it or he can take a house share room elsewhere and the OP rent a smaller property and not buy his food or pay his phone etc.

£400! It isn't his job to replace your UC and CB.

I wouldn't ever charge a dc a third of their salary to pay for bills we were already paying for. Get him saving for a deposit instead.

I couldn’t charge dds that much rent at that age. That’s the issue with relying on benefits to top up income - you get much less when kids are older.

Of course it's fair, he's an adult with a secure paying job and you are still heavily subsidising him while providing him with a ton of additional benefits too in all likelihood (laundry, meals, etc I am sure will all happen now and then).

Im a nurse, top of my band, i live in an area where rent is high. I lost my home when I divorced their father, who hasn't contributed since and that was a decade ago. When I had children we were a 2 income family, in a nice home we owned. My situation changed through no fault of my own, depending on UC to supplement my income ist a choice, I wish I could support my 3 children without the need for it or asking them to contribute as adults. I really do. This was never my plan.

The privilege is coming out thick and fast on this thread. It’s very easy to see who’s never been a single parent or struggled to make ends meet.

Sounds very fair you need your costs covering , with £900 disposable unless he's running a car etc, I'd be insisting he saves £200-£300 a month in separate account so he doesn't get used to having so much cash and pissing it all away . He'll never have that amount disposable once he gets his own place .

my mum charged me £400 a month to live at home after uni 10 years ago so given inflation I think he is getting a great deal here! What you’re proposing is totally reasonable and in my case paying my mum actually helped me to adjust to renting my own house share and flying the nest as I was used to those outgoings. I should add I was privately educated, my mum was and is not short of cash she did it out of principle so don’t feel you have to justify it!

She cant afford it ,so maybe he hould move out instead so she can downsize 🙄
Are people really so ignorant thay they cant take their heads out of their over priviliged backsides ,and realise that not everyone can afford the lifestyles they can?

Wow, the privilege of some. Who didn't understand the OP? It was really clear. The smugness of saying you wouldn't charge. You wouldn't need to, that's all. She would not have the same outgoings if he wasn't there. He's got a good job, she's clearly been a great mum, a nice well brought up young adult should not be accepting charity. Especially not on that wage. If you haven't brought up your child with that attitude, then perhaps you should be asking yourself some questions, not the OP.

He wouldn’t be able to find a room share for that (at least not where I live) so I think it’s more than fair!

Well arnt you lucky unfortunaley shit happens in life that you dont plan for ,im my case a disabled chold .

We charge DS18 £300, he earns around £1200, and he's taken over his phone contract, buys his own clothes etc.

It seems fair to me. He knows if there's something specific he wants to eat, we'll get it (he works shifts so is figuring out how eat with late nights). He's saving for uni next year, paying for driving lessons, and after some nagging, opened a LISA. But he's also visiting friends, going to gigs, stuff like that. But having to fit it into his budget.

It teaches them so much, to have to look at the cost of stuff before they buy, and think about what other costs are coming up.

I'm basically banking it, to make uni contributions easier for us in the future, but I've always been open that they would be expected to contribute once they were 18, so it didn't come as a shock to him.

I just see charging board, as another learning experience for him.

Some people are really privileged.

I've raised my ds alone since he was 1.

Returned to this country - raised him alone. He's disabled.

I'm completed an extra AS level and then went on to do a degree.

I earn 10k a year more than I did back then.

I'm top band of what's possible to get paid in my role and near the top step in that band.

The issue isn't always - and rarely is - people not trying to support themselves.

It's the outside influences meaning whatever you do the cost of living has risen faster than wages.

I'd love to be able to earn above 30k. However raising a disabled child alone has prevented me going onto a career where this is possible.

The worst thing is if I leave my current role the pay the band lower now for the same responsibility.

OP, don't let a few nasty posters make you feel bad . All this "oh I'd never charge my child to live at home" and "he is subsiding your living" is bollocks.

He isn't subsidising your living costs, he is paying his way as an adult. You ARE helping him as it would cost him a hell of a lot more to move out and live on his own.

You are earning at the top level that you can and providing for several DC on your own. You are doing a bloody great job and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The lack of understanding on here is astounding.

Given your circumstances I think it’s fair and he’s got a decent amount remaining

OP ignore all the ' I could never ' lot.

He's on a very good wage for his age I actually think you should be taking slightly more from him.

In the real world what would he get for £400,possibly a tiny room + bills + food.

Him working should make your finances easier. Hopefully he'll be sensible and start saving.

You're teaching him the lifeskills needed around money.

£400 is very fair, and to help your relationship I’d also go through all his ‘costs’ with him (proportion of bill, food) to show him he’s getting a good deal and also to prepare him if he ever wants to move out. Please encourage him to save as well, or ask if he wants to give £450 and you save the £50 in his account.

Said they would all come saying, how could you?