To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

My 17 year old DD got a great job during the summer holidays and I felt she might not want to do a 2nd year of college. I told her straight that the benefits I get for her in full time education equal £350 and to give up College and stay here, she would need to replace that.

This is the reality for those of us on low incomes!

The money to pay for us, as a 4 person family has to come from somewhere. My partners job doesn't cover it all, even though it's not minimum wage, UC and child benefit are essential. She costs us a lot, more than her brother, so it's only fair she covers what we would lose by her giving up College (although still not all she costs).

YANBU, OP, from someone who understands where you're coming from!

My son is not academic. He didnt pass gcses despite trying his best. He came out with grades that for him were great, for progressing in eduction not so great. He has no desire to continue education but I encouraged and supported him to go to college and do training courses that were more vocational and he did for 3 years.

Now, however, he has a job that to outside may not seem that great, but to him, its a job he has spoken about wanting to do for knocking close to 5 years from when he was admitted to hospital for a prolonged period of time due to a serious illness.

He isnt in a job he hates, he is in a job he has aspired to do, and a very necessary and valued role within the NHS. A role that does offer some progression, and job satisfaction. One that i supported him in getting by filling in applications as he is severely dyslexic, one I attended interviews with him (i sat outside) as he was anxious. I took him to occupational health appointments. Helped him source all his dbs for. Paid £90 whatever it was for a passport cos he needed ID and he didnt have one that was valid as holidays aren't a luxury we have.

I have not nor ever would force him into a job he hated. This is a job he wanted, and aspired for, despite how much people try to look down on.

Im immensely proud of him for securing and and doing a job that was his goal.

I would say 1/2 of his income would be fair. He certainly couldn't live elsewhere for that, and it would allow you to build up a bit of savings.

I know you are right, thank you. I just already feel shitty about having to ask him for anything at all, so trying to justify to myself as well as the negative posters.

Thank you though

I told ds that if he wanted to live at home for uni, he would have to make a similar contribution, as like you I lost benefits once he left education. We worked through the figures together, and both agreed we were in the right ballpark. For him, it helped tip the balance towards moving into halls versus commuting in to uni, and he now rents a flat with his girlfriend (they’re both still students). I think it’s benefited him that he’s never had it cushy living at home with no rent or bills - he’s learned to budget and works hard at his course and part time job.

Very fair and a bargain.....

I charged my boy £400 p/m until he moved out 18 months ago and he earned less than your son at the time.

Placemarking this very useful discussion

I find the concept of asking your just turned 18 child to compensate you for your lost 'income' from CB and UC totally bizarre. They don't owe you that!

However it is reasonable to ask him for a contribution since he is now working. £400 sounds high to me personally, but it's a figure you have to arrive at together with your child.

Hes 19. Not even just 19. Hes closer to 20...

Some people really need to take their priviliged heads out of their priviliged backsides
This is an adult son earning an adult wage why shouldnt he pay a contribution ?
I know this is hoing to blow some mumsnetters minds but not everyone goes to university
As for all those who tske a percentage of their adult childs earning ,s and secretly save it for them ,w
How does mummy saving for them teach them the value of money?

@mumofteenss Some people on here really need to go spout their judgy ignorant crap elsewhere! Christ, reading some of the comments you've had gave me the rage!!

You sound like an incredibly supportive, hard working, fair mum & your son is lucky to have you - which I'm sure he knows.

You've more than explained & justified your situation (not that you should have to!) & your son is understanding & happy with the amount you've suggested - which, again, is a credit to you.

Do what you need to do & celebrate what great kids you have!

@Notthetoothfairy
That is what my mum did. She took a quarter of my wage and put it aside for my wedding. As I had a teensy tiny wedding I got quite a bit. £400 sounds very fair. Your DS is a very lucky boy. I wish him luck in the future.

Would you still be cooking for him, doing washing etc? I moved home for a bit post-uni and didn't pay as much but did all my own food shopping, cooking, laundry and did most of the other housework.

If your parents had insisted you moved out at 18 you would have been paying a damn sight more

I never meant my comment to come across like you were doing what my parents had, obviously every family is completely different I was just trying to get across the viewpoint that sometimes a short term struggle would be worth it for the long term gain for him, but if he's happy in his role and future then there's no issue, it doesn't apply to your family! You really don't need to justify yourself, it's just there will be parents reading this down the line that do put their own needs and wants above their children, so hopefully some of the advice and comments on this thread will help them too. If he's happy in his job and earning a decent whack, and nearly 20 I noticed, then yeah it's good time he was eased into the adult world.

So you think the Op should stuggle to pay bills so her son has the life of riley ???
He already has £900 to himself ,do you not think thats enough?
Back in the real world a lot of us can only dream of having £900 / month disposable income 🙄🙄

I'm not sure why my post got such a nerve with you, apologies it's triggered some deep rooted issues, that wasn't my intention. Not that I need to justify myself to you, but I absolutely don't have a lack of ambition and I have made something really great of myself, BUT it would've been really helpful and supportive of my parents to allow me the opportunity to continue my education (like they did for my older siblings) instead of demanding rent right away, meaning any decision I made had to factor that in. Unfortunately my siblings were funded through university by my parents and I was told if I wanted to go I had to fund myself entirely and also pay rent to "keep" my room at home, so it just wasn't possible. I've worked since I was 16, worked 70+ hour weeks, run my own business, worked 3 jobs while funding further education courses, but it's just about giving your children the opportunity to create a better life for themselves without having to absolutely obliterate themselves in the process. I have a great life and I'm immensely proud of my success, but that doesn't mean I think my parents did the right thing. It's simply just another point of view from someone out the other side, it wasn't ever meant to be judgemental and if course at the time I wasn't aware the OPs son loved their job and was happy with their position in life, that does completely change things.

Again, I never said that. I replied to the OP already, my comment was simply another point of view, and wasn't shaming or attacking, it obviously didn't take into account her son's feelings as that wasn't something that had been made known!

I agree its a fair amount OP. Years ago I posted a similar question, asking was £85 a month too much to take from my DD18 (she was earning an apprentice salary - many said I shouldn't charge her anything at all - like they have on your post, oh to be so comfortable that you are able to do that!

Anyway, 8 years on, she now pays me £95 a month, and is happy with that as many of her friends who are still at home are paying 4-5 times that. My point here is that for us (not a single parent family) £95 is enough to cover the extra gas/electric/water etc and that every situation is different and some posters are just not getting that while they are wearing their rose tinted glasses.

The breakdown doesn’t sound like profit quite the reverse. But even if there were the son needs to understand paying money out of wages to living costs.

Hebsint your partner, he is your son and to say £900 I enough for him is not your call. You need to get a job that pays more because if he moves out you are screwed.
Parents choose to have children and to say the child has to make up for the shortfall for lost benefits is unfair.
The cost of getting a car, insurance etc is astronomical and he will never get on the property ladder if he doesn't have decent savings.
Look at making your own position financially viable because if he doesn't agree to your demands, what will you do? If you kick him out, you are screwed, if he leaves you are screwed.