To think £400 board to parents...

[mumofteenss]

is fair under these circumstances?

For context, my son is 19, this is his first job. He finished college last June having spent 3 years there doing vocational/skill-based courses. He's not academic so uni wasn't something he wanted, but he's very active and practical/logical-minded. I said while he was in education I would 100% support him; even if he had a job, he could keep all that income. He chose not to find a part-time job, entirely his choice.

Since June any support I received for him stopped, I'm a single parent, and I work full time, but my wage isn't a lot so I received UC and CB to top it up. As soon as he finished college all the elements for him stopped. I made him aware of this. These reductions in my income were around £350 a month.

He did find this job fairly quickly in mid-July, but due to the nature of the role, it required DBS checks which were a nightmare to sort out when he had no ID or statements. But we sorted it for mid-August. He's been waiting since then to start and finally started this week.

The wage he will be getting at 19 is not terrible. It equates to around £1300 a month after tax and whatnot. I have said I think £400 is fair, and I will continue to pay for everything he received up until now, all meals, if we have take out or eat out ill pay. If he wants to take over his own phone contract, apple music, xbox live, etc (all combined with them for my other children still so I don't mind keeping these) and he wants to arrange all of that himself, then he can give me £350 instead.

I see it as for 6 months I have 100% supported him with no income at all, in fact, I have really struggled to do so, but have not said anything as he was waiting to start this job. But I do need to recoup this money somehow and feel asking him to contribute that much is fair.

He will still have £900 a month, which is a damn sight more than I have spare, and very few outgoings as the workplace is within walking distance, and I in fact work on the same site so days our shifts line up he can come with me.

Is £400 a month a fair amount?

For the posters on here who say that they would never dream of charging their children to live at home, it must be nice to have that luxury.

Having an adult child living at home is another person who is consuming food, electricity etc. If £400 per month means that he can stay at home with you then so be it. You don't necessarily want to ask him for this money but if that is what it takes then so be it.

LOL!!!

I’m sure everyone would love a crystal ball that tells them which men are going to be good fathers and which are not.

Students are exempt from council tax so if he is the only adult living at home apart from you then you should still be able to get your 25% discount. He will just need a student status certificate from the University which students can usually order online free of charge and then you'll need to send it to the council tax department who can then process his exemption onto your account. Get him to talk to Student Services at his Uni if he can't find where to get the form from.

You would take more because you want him to have less? Why?

@Sarahzxcvb

I don't see what the issue is with explaining to an adult in the household how the finances work.
I sat down with my son when he was 18 and explained what came in, what went out and what we would no longer get when he was 18.
I showed him the things that I paid for that I wouldn't have if he wasn't living in the house.
He knows there is already a deposit fund for him, but that he will need to save more.
We came to a mutual agreement on what he needed to contribute, not just money but with his household chores.
Like two adults.

That’s more than fair and very kind to him. And he sounds happy with it too! You sound like you’ve done a cracking job of organising your finances and staying afloat with a useless ex. Go you. X

This is a great point,

If he was a student he'd be paying his own food & bills.

Not everyone can afford to let fully grown adults mooch off of them. You're being absolutely fair OP.

Can i just say thank you for all the kind comments, I've only done what any other mum would do in the same position, and do best by my children with the cards I've been dealt.

Im very fortunate to have 3 kids who are very content with what they have, are grateful for all the things they get and I'm more than happy to go without to make sure they have what they need and as much of what they want as possible. All 3 are helpful kind empathetic intelligent young people, and (most of the time) a pleasure to be around. If I could give them the world without needing them to contribute i 100% would, as they more than deserve it. But I cant so I'm trying to be fair to my eldest, whilst ensuring my other 2 children don't have to face yet more changes in their lifestyle due to my income dropping now he's considered an adult.

I wouldn’t charge my DC that much…my youngest age 24 lives on and off at home….when he’s here he pays 200 a month….I wouldn’t take any more from him

YANBU, and if he doesn't like it he can get on www.spareroom.co.uk and try flatsharing. Unless he's prepared to live in a hovel in Merthyr Tydfil, he won't get anything that cheap - and probably not even then.

'unfortunately just going band 6 isnt an option. Band 6 roles are not that common. I also work in a department where I do days as otherwise, my other children would have to be alone overnight which isn't really something they or I am comfortable with, and weekends are emergency-only services'

There are band 6s in every single department plus the higher you go the less likely you'd work nights anyway.

'Because Mummy didn't charge them a penny for living at home ,once they became adults'

Charge them yes, just not a third imo when on a low wage and he needs to save to rent or buy his own place hopefully at some point. Imagine if he'd gone to uni, the op would have lost the UC plus be topping up his living expenses too. Irrelevant in this case I know just some perspective.

Well thats lovely ,you can afford ,the Op cant so unless you.

want the Op to go cold and hungry ,whilst her son keeps all of his money to himself its just the way life is isnt it?

In my dept all band 6 roles are filled, there are very few across the trust as whole at the minute. Its not possible for me to transfer and id probably need a lot more ward-based experience at band 5 for the ones that are available as currently I am not on a ward and haven't been for a long time.

She could also have moved into a smaller house therefore reducing living costs ,but we live the real world not an imaginary one

By weird coincidence we're just debating this at home.

DD started work at a coffee shop - currently earning about £1200 per month. She's 18.

I'd thought about £100 per month then realised I was being ridiculous - that's about what I paid my parents back in the eighties - then I thought £200 but DP just told me that's mean and too much and should be £150.

And loads of people here think it should be double that or more.

Guess we need to do some more thinking.

@Janiie

For perspective

Some parents cannot afford to top up university loans.

My son will need to have a job to support himself, if he goes

£400 sounds more than fair to me, even without all the addons. I would tell him the addons are not part of a "£400 package". The £400 is for board/family meals at home only. He can use the extras, but he isn't paying for them and doesn't get a discount if they are not available.

He is a very lucky lad, wishing him all the best in his new job, time to start adulting and hope he appreciates the financial challenges you had supporting him over the last 6 months.

Absolute nonsense. I never charged my daughter a penny but she now has her own flag and manages very well.

OP, if you need your son to contribute then he should and you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

I guess you missed the part that says some adults in my post then.

I wasn’t sure initially but after reading all the way, yes I think it’s fair based on his earnings. Make sure you explain it fully to him so he understand why your want this amount and what it covers.

Absolutely entirely fair. You sound like an absolute grafter and a fantastic budgeter and role model for your children. Well done.