AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

As someone else said, don’t ask them, tell them. “We want Christmas morning to be just us and then kids”. Then ask, “so what other time would you like to come over”?

Any suggestions?

You: Mum & Dad, can you come round after dinner to see the kids?

Them: No, we want the morning etc etc

You: DH and I have decided we’d rather not have visitors early. But we’d love to see you after lunch.

Them: We’ll miss the magic blah blah

You: It’ll still be fun in the afternoon, the kids will be so excited to see you and we can do more presents then. It’s nice to spread it out.

Them: We want it our way, wah wah.

You: We’ll, it doesn’t work for us. So it’s the afternoon or not at all on Christmas Day. Let me know what you decide.

If its a ritual, and your DC enjoy it then they may be upset about not seeing their grandparents on Christmas morning. My 3 DC would wait for my parents to come over before opening them but we did live in the same road as them so not quite the same. Sometimes they stayed for christmas lunch and sometimes they would go to my sisters afterwards. It is ultimately up to you what you choose to do I guess, and christmas morning with DC is always chaotic, whatever they do, its the excitement, wrapping paper etc, part of it all.

That's a definite no from me. They had their "special" moments with you at that age, its your turn now!

I used to have this sort of thing with my mum every year! I got fed up with always being pushed, guilted or the children told that if we're not at her house Santa won't be able to find them to give them the gifts (!!!!), now I leave the country for xmas.

I'd have liked just one xmas at home with when they were little but it's too late now. We don't really celebrate it that much now, other than buying gifts. You'll regret it if you don't put your foot down now.

Probably in the minority but I think it is wonderful they are so interested in their GC and wanting to see them. It’s only one day of the year - share it. It wont be long until they are grumpy teens.

You only get so many xmas's with young children, and you'll regret it later if you plan your xmas's to suit everyone else and not you and your DC's. I would repeat again that you are happy for them to come after such a time, if they repeat their line of no that doesn't work for us we have dinner to get to say that's fine you are welcome to come on xmas Eve or Boxing Day which would you prefer. Don't make excuses either, why should you? Your truth is valid and reasonable so tell them and stick to your guns. Why should they dictate how you spend your Xmas morning

Stand firm

I am very lucky in that my parent comes on the day from 11am - when DS was little that gave me & DH all that magical time opening of stocking to ourselves (& MIL who stayed over but like looking at the stocking gifts many hours after they were opened 😅)

Meant to add now DS is 14 we get a lie in as he eventually opens the gifts when he wakes up on his own (🥲)

Sorry hut you sound like random strangers are turning up each year to stare at you then they just wander off when bored.

How are they disruptive? Do they expect you to make them drinks etc instead of you watching the kids open presents? Do they take over and open the presents or pull out theirs first?

Please just feel so lucky to have your parents around to do that, an hour in the morning to share the joy really isn't too much as you have the rest of your day? Sorry, but maybe a lot of mumsnetters are younger than i am and don't realise the importance of just giving in a bit? Also, Christmas day was always a family get together for the while day from 12 til 8 so maybe I don't understand why they go elsewhere? Different lives, none wrong. X

How much chaos can two grandparents- sorry, “visitors” - create? Seems very churlish. Your children may treat you the same way, you know.

Watching children open presents is wonderful. I am happy to share those moments. I hope my kids are if they become parents too.

We have the 3 days just the 5 of us. We're so stupidly busy all the time, vith working full time and all the extra curriculars the children do. We completely relax and barely get out of our PJs! We visit DHs family for the weekend before and spend another day with my family and have a mini Christmas with each of them. Works great for us and family can watch them open some gifts too. Works great for us. Would recommend!

It’s really sad that you see your parents as ‘visitors’ I hope to god my kids never see me this way. I’d love my parents or in laws to be found as soon as we wake up.
however all families are different so do what you like but know that you’ll probably upset them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Your little family. Just offer another day or say we just want a chilled morning just us but poo down anytime after 11? I’m not close with my family and they do feel like visitors I guess some people are different and happy to share the experience. Personally we don’t share our Xmas day with anyone. It’s just dh and kids. But our eldest has a birthday Xmas eve! So we tend to see family then and on Boxing Day x

Plenty of people have the kind of relationship with their parents that makes visits into visits. That can range anywhere from wanting to be sure you brush your teeth before they come in to making sure you have the cleaner visit right before and the best china out. It may be sad, but it isn’t something that can be changed on a whim. These relationships were formed over decades and were primarily defined by our parents, not by us.

my autistic 12 year old asked me once, “so you aren’t really close to your dad are you?” She sees me go through the motions of a relationship, but even she can tell the difference between what she has with us and what I have with him.

In our house the kids open Father Christmas’s presents in the morning, then the family arrive and we eat and then in the late afternoon they open all the tree presents - a similar routine might work well

My in laws have alwaysl done that. They turn up all showered and spruced up and I cringe in my sweaty pjs and bed head offering my sweet, cream sherry which they sip through gritted teeth (they like the dry, pale stuff). I feel sorry for their neighbours with children much younger than mine, who they visit BEFORE us!
I do wonder if the whole ‘not staying for dinner’ bit is muddying the water for you. Perhaps you need to ask them directly why they don’t stay if it upsets you. You need to be firm about the morning ritual, but offer them a good alternative.

I have grandchildren who are my absolute world!

They have three sets of grandparents. My DD and DSIL want and always have wanted a family day on Christmas day with just the 4 of them.

We are usually given a time slot to go to them on Christmas eve. We exchange presents, all open them there and then, so we get to take part in the magic!

This is perfect and works for all.of us.

YANBU!

I would hate guests at Christmas morning, it’s a really special time for my little unit as Santa magic doesn’t last forever! Besides, I wouldn’t feel good in PJs next to other people who have showered and gotten ready for the day and I don’t need that stress. Thankfully, my parents and my partner’s parents are sane and we record the kids opening a few present and they are more than happy! I hope to continue the tradition of realising I had my time when mine were little when I make it to being a grandparent.

OP I know it’s hard but you just have to be firm and say “sorry not this year” and repeat it until it sinks in.

Perfectly reasonable wish. We insist our eldest spends Christmas Day with her little family unit. We’re happy to see them on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, whatever fits with the other grandparents though it’s going to be both sets together this year on Boxing Day which I think will be lovely. Two Christmasses is twice as good as one 😁

I'm close to my family but I don't think I have any right to decide that I want to spend the morning with the GC, therefore I will. I had the right to decide what kind of Christmas morning I wanted with my own kids, now it's their turn to decide what works for them at Christmas. If that's a quiet start with the kids and I go over later, then that's how it should be.

What do your kids think? do they want the grandparents there? as kids we all wanted my nan to be with us for the entire Christmas...my dad wasnt keen (his MIL) but we outvoted him. When my kids were small we had my inlaws every year for 25 years. They loved it...we loved that they got so much from it. My parents lived further and were a generation younger...so worked up till Xmas Eve and we couldnt put up both families due to lack of room. My parents only got to come to two Christmases with us. Now we have grandchildren and my son brings them to us for lunch....he films their morning and then we have another great hour of unwrapping presents we and my other children have bought them. Just remember, time is limited...one day the grandparents arent there anymore... and your kids are grown...and you are the grandparents.

theyre not visitors though - they are family! They’re grandparents! They won’t be here forever. Will your memories really be ruined by having their loving grandparents feature in the memories?! Be honest - you’re just hurt that they’re not coming for dinner and that is reasonable. If you said ‘I’m pissed because they have ditched us and so I don’t want them to call the shots on the day’ I’d have said ‘well, I get that.’ But let’s just call it what it is!

A question who class there parents as 'family' rather than 'visitors'.
Would they consider making you a coffee in your house?
Would they consider offering a hand to cook breakfast?